tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6682912369390398009..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #16Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24538582050567255492013-04-27T12:59:10.863-04:002013-04-27T12:59:10.863-04:00I love this opening. I would definitely read this....I love this opening. I would definitely read this. :)Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87069420103597064622013-04-26T17:18:18.602-04:002013-04-26T17:18:18.602-04:00I'd read further. There's a nice voice her...I'd read further. There's a nice voice here but it feels a bit anachronistic in spots. But having no idea going in what kind of world this is, I shouldn't make assumptions.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43185222393477014802013-04-26T15:33:09.817-04:002013-04-26T15:33:09.817-04:00The last line grabbed me, so I’d give it a bit lon...The last line grabbed me, so I’d give it a bit longer. But what came before it, didn’t.<br /><br />I wonder why she’s kept in the castle. Her father says it’s to protect her. She implies it’s because she’s ugly. If that’s true, perhaps we need to see some of her ugliness. At this point, I’m thinking her father wants to protect her from people who would harm her due to her ugliness. <br /><br />Then we learn there’s a war, and that’s why her father wants to keep her home. So the reason for her confinement isn’t really clear to me, nor is it clear if she is really ugly or just thinks she is. Perhaps make all that clearer.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75051172581200678572013-04-26T08:00:04.959-04:002013-04-26T08:00:04.959-04:00I would read on for the last line ... but ... I wa...I would read on for the last line ... but ... I was a little confused in the first two paragraphs. At the start you say the castle is a prison because the princess is ugly. But in the second you indicate that she is locked away to keep her safe because of a war. So which is it? This makes me think that the first paragraph is only here as a 'hook' and doesn't actually have anything to do with the story - which would be disappointing.<br /><br />The description of the sky, horse smells, the woman appearing before her and the rearing are all a little lack-luster. I don't 'feel' any of this. KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82668968856306921362013-04-25T16:11:27.129-04:002013-04-25T16:11:27.129-04:00Love this opening. Great voice, great setting des...Love this opening. Great voice, great setting description, starts off with action, and the ugly princess who views her castle as a prison is a new take on fantasy. Only thing that threw me was how she could think she saw a woman when in fact it was a wing? Or was it a man with wings? I was a bit confused.Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42559458122340988142013-04-25T12:21:14.264-04:002013-04-25T12:21:14.264-04:00Sorry I can't dump this comment erroneously po...Sorry I can't dump this comment erroneously posted here.SanWriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882213832893854098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48160902889659884242013-04-25T12:17:44.887-04:002013-04-25T12:17:44.887-04:00The build up in this is great. The pacing makes me...The build up in this is great. The pacing makes me want more, and I like the voice. The mystery of the bracelets is intriguing. <br /><br />My problem is with the sentence structure, which seems to get in the way. I love IM, but using it to show actions, dialogue, etc. makes me want to stop reading. Just show him/her pulling back his ponytail, don't tell us. <br /><br />Your concept is worth fixing these things for. The tension you've created in 250 words is amazing.<br /><br />Also, please give us a hint if Rhiley is male or female.SanWriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882213832893854098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73054208320666484742013-04-25T06:07:36.594-04:002013-04-25T06:07:36.594-04:00I am so intrigued. I love the voice and the build ...I am so intrigued. I love the voice and the build up. Your sentence structure sets the perfect pace for readers to follow and remain interested. However I don't quite understand how this wing had a face? I don't really picture wings with two eyes, a nose, and a mouth so I had difficulty imagining what it would look like. Maybe clarify this further. Anooshahttp://www.myheartsblab.blogspot.sg/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30240576941447571682013-04-25T02:28:27.255-04:002013-04-25T02:28:27.255-04:00I really liked this too. You've got a great YA...I really liked this too. You've got a great YA voice and your world building is smooth. I want more though--you could take a little more time through this scene and still have enough tension since you've done a good job establishing it from the get-go. skyebluenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8554932320903128792013-04-25T00:11:41.494-04:002013-04-25T00:11:41.494-04:00I thought this was just about perfect. You've ...I thought this was just about perfect. You've got setting, characterization, and a mysterious creature at the end. Really amazing how much you were able to pull off in 250 words.Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84512900290839254162013-04-24T20:30:04.787-04:002013-04-24T20:30:04.787-04:00I like this. I think you have a good command of t...I like this. I think you have a good command of the voice, and the situation is nicely sketched out in so little space.<br /><br />It does seem strange to me that the woman in her path was hurt, since the horse reared and, as far as I could tell, they weren't going that fast. If there was a collision, I need it to be a little more palpable.<br /><br />I'm going to disagree with some of the others and say that the use of Dal throws me off. "God" in our world is really a generic term, so using it somewhere else wouldn't be necessarily a big problem. Also, just substituting Dal for God seems a little too pat. Why not come up with a unique phrase for your world (like God's Blood or Heavens Be Praised) (those are bad examples, of course) that fits the society you are creating?<br /><br />I would definitely read on. That is a great hook to end with.Andrewhttp://www.kozma.curragh-labs.org/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13240726483729953812013-04-24T20:28:02.413-04:002013-04-24T20:28:02.413-04:00I'd definitely read on. Good job. The only pla...I'd definitely read on. Good job. The only place I hesitated was "The ground races up to slap me." Seemed odd.<br />mskatrinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21538916505517821092013-04-24T15:49:24.408-04:002013-04-24T15:49:24.408-04:00Awesome first line!
I also like the "Thank D...Awesome first line!<br /><br />I also like the "Thank Dal" part, it let's me know I'm not in my own world.<br /><br />Great job.Jenna Lehnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05713120866375577654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29885355223554407072013-04-24T12:30:34.763-04:002013-04-24T12:30:34.763-04:00This is very good.
"The only ugly thing in T...This is very good.<br /><br />"The only ugly thing in Tavor Castle is its princess." I agree that this is a great line, and thank goodness 250 words was enough room to get that great hook in at the end!<br /><br />"Thank Dal." A quiet way of letting us know we're not in a familar world.<br /><br />I had to look up "fascinator," but it's a nice touch of language.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73034271207224174182013-04-24T12:17:46.520-04:002013-04-24T12:17:46.520-04:00Hello there!
I really loved the first paragraph,...Hello there! <br /><br />I really loved the first paragraph, and the last line as well. I would definitely read on.<br /><br />I don't have much to say, I'm sorry, but I just wanted to let you know I would really enjoy reading more. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14512877350675907909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53629511389240613672013-04-24T11:47:59.970-04:002013-04-24T11:47:59.970-04:00I absolutely love this beginning. Some really grea...I absolutely love this beginning. Some really great lines here. "The only ugly thing in Tavor Castle is its princess." And the last sentence: WOW! Who would not want to read on?<br /><br />As for picky comments, hmm. I can't come up with much. It was a bit heavy on description in the first paragraph (do we need to know the walls are 20-ft walls? or is looming enough?), but it didn't get in my way of enjoying the beginning. <br /><br />Great work and good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com