tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6693410853170513824..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: #11 Thriller (psychological): White LiesAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54776904226506414552011-12-05T23:47:17.372-05:002011-12-05T23:47:17.372-05:00I like this one too, though I usually stay away fr...I like this one too, though I usually stay away from psychological thrillers (nightmares!). I liked how the scene unfolded through his senses. <br /><br />Others have pointed out details--anchor or reporter, for example--but I think your premise is solid and timely. I dare say, I'd read on.<br /><br />Good luck.Kayhttp://www.kayelam.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86022146779776641432011-12-05T04:40:02.252-05:002011-12-05T04:40:02.252-05:00I like the writing here, and as we work out that t...I like the writing here, and as we work out that this was a man who was held prisoner and is suddenly free without explanation, I think it's a really powerful premise. Things we take for granted, like sunlight and clothes, take on a lot of significance. Good description, good voice, and a timely subject. Maybe clarify a bit (I'm not sure why you'd stop dreaming of sunlight just because you can't see it in real life) but I like this.Dayspringnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90780007199292418292011-12-04T11:50:51.204-05:002011-12-04T11:50:51.204-05:00I love the premise and the logline is fantastic.
...I love the premise and the logline is fantastic.<br /><br />I, too, had to reread the excerpt a few times to *get* what was going on. I think the protag is too self-aware. There are sensory things that will stand out and others that wouldn't -- especially in a disorienting position.<br /><br />This is something I struggle with writing in first person (and my critique partners always catch!).<br /><br />A Showtime series "Homeland" did a good job of showing the disorientation of a prisoner who is suddenly let lose, allowed to bathe and dress. Everything is a new sensation after a lengthy captivity.<br /><br />This story appeals to me. I'd read on!Durango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32251021207567514262011-12-04T07:31:24.200-05:002011-12-04T07:31:24.200-05:00This is a great hook--waking up disoriented and fr...This is a great hook--waking up disoriented and frightened in a strange place, with people after you. I had to read the first paragraph three times to get it though--that he hadn't dreamed of sunlight so he knew this had to be real. Personally I don't dream of day or night at all vividly so not sure this is as plausible as it should be. But then I am totally with you as he struggles to his feet. I like the cockroach/hope line a lot. My only other note is have you researched how likely it is that a local TV anchor would go overseas these days? I'm familiar with the media and with drastic budget cuts and less foreign TV coverage than ever, it's rare.Nancy Bilyeauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03081147714919653976noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58971452528169788202011-12-03T17:48:24.446-05:002011-12-03T17:48:24.446-05:00The first two sentences are great and make me want...The first two sentences are great and make me want to read on. I like the writing, I like his aside to himself, I like the way he thinks. <br /><br />The only thing not clear to me is where he's waking up. If he's alone in the damp grass, he should maybe experience the dew sooner. <br /><br />There are other details that could maybe be slipped in to help to ground the reader in what he knows and what he doesn't know. Is he so far from wherever he's been kept indoors that there's absolutely nothing around, should he be looking for those landmarks first? If he knows he's been so long without clothing, does he know they're his pants? Was he dressed by someone in his sleep? Is that weird to him? <br /><br />On the whole, though, interesting logline and really compelling writing. I'd read on!Gabrielle Harbowyhttp://www.gabrielle-edits.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67190270591356697922011-12-03T01:43:28.798-05:002011-12-03T01:43:28.798-05:00I really like your voice, particularly the dark hu...I really like your voice, particularly the dark humor in the midst of confusion. <br /><br />I did find the last sentence of your logline confusing -- I think adding 'to' before 'uncover' will clarify it. And 'its' in 'My gaze followed its' threw me.<br /><br />Otherwise compelling situation, great imagery, and nice pacing. I'd definitely read more.<br /><br />Good luck!Monica Enderle Piercehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08906580310155422359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45684030544392166062011-12-02T16:22:13.746-05:002011-12-02T16:22:13.746-05:00I love the voice/humour in this, and the fact that...I love the voice/humour in this, and the fact that he thinks he can't puzzle his way through gravity.<br /><br />I rarely read this genre, but you've definitely hooked me!Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16466014613515065083noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7635741854400723252011-12-02T12:25:04.897-05:002011-12-02T12:25:04.897-05:00It's the last line of the excerpt that I parti...It's the last line of the excerpt that I particularly like about this one. I guess being hooked is a funny thing too :)Ruthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02046492434737362097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8256164702997357802011-12-02T11:22:40.813-05:002011-12-02T11:22:40.813-05:00I like the premise. The ending of the first senten...I like the premise. The ending of the first sentence of your logline is awkward to me. Also, do anchors follow stories to the field, or reporters?<br /><br />The MC's confusion comes across clearly. I really like how he compares hope to the cockroach - not that I like those things - in that it survives in the unlikeliest places.<br /><br />Best wishes,Writing Jo Lawlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14756647013419693381noreply@blogger.com