tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6731164693249577463..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent Contest #31Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27738644398419968272011-08-20T15:12:29.189-04:002011-08-20T15:12:29.189-04:00I loved the last line and the little moment when s...I loved the last line and the little moment when she presses the flower as a keepsake. :O)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85663201591819976112011-08-19T23:50:41.414-04:002011-08-19T23:50:41.414-04:00The first three paragraphs don't do much work ...The first three paragraphs don't do much work at characterizing or establishing tension; they could be cut. I'd be more intrigued if this started with "It's a junk food extravaganza..."Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42331195898099094582011-08-18T20:38:35.775-04:002011-08-18T20:38:35.775-04:00The writing is good but I was also put off by the ...The writing is good but I was also put off by the 'teen moving' story, not because she's moving, but because that's all she's doing.<br /><br />There are no hints here as to why. Did her parents divorce and now mom can't afford the house? Did she get a job transfer? Are they going to take care of an elderly grandparent? Telling us why they are moving will add characterization and give us clues as to who these people are.<br /><br />And then perhaps say why she doesn't want to move. Is she leaving a good friend beind? A boyfriend? Did something horrible happen at the other house? Again, adding the info gives us insight into your characters and their lives. It also hints at problem and plot.<br /><br />If you get that info in, your 'teen moving' story becomes more than a 'teen moving' story.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89616615258847502262011-08-18T11:11:11.209-04:002011-08-18T11:11:11.209-04:00I was also confused about her driving, maybe you w...I was also confused about her driving, maybe you were using that as a device to establish age? However, that was the only moment I wrinkled my brow. The voice was strong and clear, there wasn't too much antagonism between the mother and daughter, just enough (the too much is also getting cliche, but is very relatable and often true.) And the humor in the end was the clincher! I would definitely read on!!Deenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72109362749213106682011-08-18T01:16:55.043-04:002011-08-18T01:16:55.043-04:00I liked the voice and really loved that the MC pic...I liked the voice and really loved that the MC picked a flower and pressed it in her book. Why she was driving confused me though, especially if she has no sense of direction.Tori Schindlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12350474671522596420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47470233013044944782011-08-17T21:12:56.985-04:002011-08-17T21:12:56.985-04:00I like the voice and you're a good writer!
B...I like the voice and you're a good writer! <br /><br />But is there any reason you need to show us the MC leaving her old town? Maybe start the novel with her arrival in her new place?Writer Tessahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17293970995892948121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16043984653860225472011-08-17T19:51:13.606-04:002011-08-17T19:51:13.606-04:00Strong voice and writing. I don't mind the mo...Strong voice and writing. I don't mind the move, because I think so many YA's can identify with it. I did kind of want to know where we were headed in the story. Is the move the major conflict? I wanted more of a hint of where we might be going on the storyline. But I would read more. Nice.shelleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41872315505456198162011-08-17T15:15:29.470-04:002011-08-17T15:15:29.470-04:00My favorite sentence:
"She was in full-on per...My favorite sentence:<br />"She was in full-on perky mode, the one she used while selling a house."<br />The writing is neat and clear.<br /><br />I would read on.Jessica May Linhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07166500450547294457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-97207655910945712011-08-17T13:31:37.890-04:002011-08-17T13:31:37.890-04:00I like the writing--it's very well done. But I...I like the writing--it's very well done. But I agree that opening with an unwanted move is a bit cliche. I almost moved on because of the first sentence--I think you could strengthen that a bit to make it less cliche and draw us in faster. Other than that, I like it :)Nazarea Andrewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09644521286572844909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64132319087303912572011-08-17T11:53:01.374-04:002011-08-17T11:53:01.374-04:00My first thought: if there is anyway to start the ...My first thought: if there is anyway to start the story without a move, I'd try to go for it. I don't know about anyone else reading YA, but I am sick to death of books opening with an unwanted move. It's become so cliche that my answer to, "Are you hooked?" would be an automatic no because of that.<br /><br />That said, the voice is strong and I like the last line about puking into her lap especially. However, I did have a little trouble establishing their current location - both the immediate position of the car and what sort of town they were moving from - just from this passage. Dropping a hint or two would help a bit, I think.<br /><br />All in all though, the writing is pretty good.Addley C. Fanninhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00187955352666529964noreply@blogger.com