tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6752250942288260901..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46679187063044571762013-03-30T16:09:29.715-04:002013-03-30T16:09:29.715-04:00I'm so nitpicky, but in two instances you have...I'm so nitpicky, but in two instances you have it's instead of its.<br /><br />I like the scene, but I think there are issues that the other comments have pointed out.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06319561838973256037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75031853003777183072013-03-29T11:14:15.710-04:002013-03-29T11:14:15.710-04:00I like the idea of opening at a boardwalk. But I&#...I like the idea of opening at a boardwalk. But I'm having trouble getting into this. I think the first sentence is too cryptic -- I had to read it twice to figure out what it was talking about, and still didn't understand it until later -- and the dialogue doesn't read quite authentically to me. I think I would need some more context and a better sense of who the main character is to really be drawn into this and keep reading. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3383848619828859612013-03-28T11:01:25.487-04:002013-03-28T11:01:25.487-04:00I liked the opening. The first paragraph sets the ...I liked the opening. The first paragraph sets the scene very well, but is lacking POV. I did not mind the long sentences. The one that I got stuck on was the last one. I get the foreboding, but it seems to contradict the rest of the paragraph on the first read. Maybe if it was written as a positive statement instead of a negative one, it would sound better.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46995210155042728002013-03-27T21:31:34.209-04:002013-03-27T21:31:34.209-04:00I think the seagull part can be taken out to make ...I think the seagull part can be taken out to make room for something better, but otherwise I really liked this.<br />It made me want to sigh and give up on my to-do list to curl up for a few hours and read.<br /><br />A minor thing:<br />The last sentence here seemed like it could also be something more. Not sure what. I think it's the phrase life's transience. Maybe it would be better to describe it as something more simple?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86022255516773256872013-03-27T16:17:43.139-04:002013-03-27T16:17:43.139-04:00Hmmm. Although I really like this, I think the POV...Hmmm. Although I really like this, I think the POV felt distant. I had to read it a few times, because I thought there was a fourth person observing everything until the very last para. Perhaps Nora's not Gunner's mother? That might explain the distance. Because she doesn't describe him like I'd expect a mother to describe her own son - there's a lack of intimacy in her observations of him. I also think you might be trying to do too much in the long sentence with the seagulls. But I enjoyed this little slice of a scene and certainly the boy behaved true to his four years. AnnetteGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80285374774692517232013-03-27T14:01:29.241-04:002013-03-27T14:01:29.241-04:00The POV of this passage pulled me in gently and, b...The POV of this passage pulled me in gently and, by the end, introduced just a hint of foreboding. Just enough to leave me wanting more without giving away the plot. The long sentences, though, weigh it down a bit. I think the dialog works here and would not suggest adding more. Perhaps breaking the descriptive passages up a bit would help. Barb Valentinnoreply@blogger.com