tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6782471404482990152..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 62Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77065947201623758382008-12-10T00:21:00.000-05:002008-12-10T00:21:00.000-05:00It's not take-me-by-the-throat hooky, but I like i...It's not take-me-by-the-throat hooky, but I like it enough that I'd read on. there's a good sense of voice, I think :)Amy Laurenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16782528327499574711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51786139671502672432008-12-04T09:48:00.000-05:002008-12-04T09:48:00.000-05:00The narrator sounds dead. Dust on the clothes. Bla...The narrator sounds dead. Dust on the clothes. Black everywhere. Sorta cliché. The most interesting part is the fact that they are frumpy and faded. Not really hooked.Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72499443480619330732008-12-04T01:55:00.000-05:002008-12-04T01:55:00.000-05:00I had to read the first sentence twice to work out...I had to read the first sentence twice to work out what was happening. But yes, I would read on.Hakuna Mthathahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12184886247441820766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25540254992592613652008-12-03T23:43:00.000-05:002008-12-03T23:43:00.000-05:00Sorry, but not hooked. Nothing is happening. Jus...Sorry, but not hooked. Nothing is happening. Just a character musing about the current state of things, rather than facing them head on with the intent of strengthening her character.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47953781796867556792008-12-03T23:32:00.000-05:002008-12-03T23:32:00.000-05:00How sad for this character. I'm slightly intrigued...How sad for this character. I'm slightly intrigued to read on and find out why she has so much black that she hates. Hopefully the next part would have intrigue.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69251150429142273262008-12-03T21:14:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:14:00.000-05:00Hey -- who's been in my closet?! **glancing around...Hey -- who's been in my closet?! **glancing around suspiciously**<BR/><BR/>I'd have to read more of this. That description of the clothing is just too good. :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740371055384281988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21508068530167839782008-12-03T21:11:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:11:00.000-05:00I like it. Maybe I would reverse the order of the ...I like it. Maybe I would reverse the order of the sentences. The "dancing dust" gives me a visual of clothes not worn for a very long time. The proof of the sentences is in what follows. In that context, this could be a quite strong opening.Opinionatorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11546456650917079216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23400075866487369302008-12-03T20:38:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:38:00.000-05:00Hmm...a woman looking for something to wear doesn'...Hmm...a woman looking for something to wear doesn't really grab me. I'd pass.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49372048129175020332008-12-03T19:02:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:02:00.000-05:00It doesn't come off as my type of genre, but there...It doesn't come off as my type of genre, but there is something intriguing about the second sentence. Hopefully the action is only a few sentences away.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37683396704819399442008-12-03T18:49:00.000-05:002008-12-03T18:49:00.000-05:00I'm intrigued. I'd read more. I got an instant pic...I'm intrigued. I'd read more. I got an instant picture of her hand on the dresses.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51803309205874328352008-12-03T16:49:00.000-05:002008-12-03T16:49:00.000-05:00"and watched dust dance" I think would work better..."and watched dust dance" I think would work better, to show the dust moving was coming from the dress.<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure where you're headed for with this.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16849277794138758982008-12-03T16:08:00.000-05:002008-12-03T16:08:00.000-05:00Dancing dust is silly, but skimming the dresses wi...Dancing dust is silly, but skimming the dresses with a hand isn't. And the second sentence, wow that's great :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21044519350661150842008-12-03T15:51:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:51:00.000-05:00I'd maybe read on just to see what the black is al...I'd maybe read on just to see what the black is all for (unless she's like me and dresses in black because she thinks it suits her). However, I think this is a weak hook. Maybe giving a teensy hint about the color choice would be a step in the right direction?Stephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13659688646243833862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28886145021709383702008-12-03T15:41:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:41:00.000-05:00Not sure about "pilled" but yep. I like this.Not sure about "pilled" but yep. I like this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45382284614213432582008-12-03T15:23:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:23:00.000-05:00This opening sounds so melancholy. I would read on...This opening sounds so melancholy. I would read on to find out why.Sherrie Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11670339498152684137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12303158759111627302008-12-03T15:20:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:20:00.000-05:00Sounds like my wardrobe, haha. I'd keep reading.Sounds like my wardrobe, haha. <BR/><BR/>I'd keep reading.Casey Somethinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17596079290053524103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42737579349096133202008-12-03T15:17:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:17:00.000-05:00Wondering what all that black is for . . .I would ...Wondering what all that black is for . . .<BR/><BR/>I would read on.Michelle D. Argylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09696465137285587646noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8329971332979316392008-12-03T15:08:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:08:00.000-05:00I like the second sentence better than the first. ...I like the second sentence better than the first. Watching dust isn't exciting, but there is huge potential to expand on the frustration packed into that second sentence.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com