tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6800061798387065283..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? Adult Genre Fiction #28Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25020914583832150282016-05-17T16:21:02.925-04:002016-05-17T16:21:02.925-04:00I would leave out the sentence "in her haste&...I would leave out the sentence "in her haste" but keep "the man was a bastard." It packs more punch. <br /><br />Agree that "boy could she feel it" was awkward and broke the spell of reading.<br /><br />And I don't get "until it disappeared" - does that mean he beat the woman to a pulp and she disappeared?<br /><br />Seems like a promising premise, but just needs polish.S.D.Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05707682524268581476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79694946533008176672016-05-17T01:45:46.591-04:002016-05-17T01:45:46.591-04:00I also like the concept and think you're off t...I also like the concept and think you're off to a good tense start.<br /><br />If this is a prologue, I don't have any problem with the first POV character being killed off. I've read lots of good suspense novels which do this quite well, and like experimenting with it myself.<br />The shift to the killer's POV did throw me out, so I think it needs a transition, at least.<br /><br />I liked the voice, but agree that the part about '..boy could she feel it...' seems out of place.<br />I'm also not sure about the baby aspect. Is it relevant to the rest of the story?<br /><br />I would definitely read further. I want to know what's going on and if Violet would survive the same.<br /><br />Leennahttps://leennascreativebox.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60118086187765905992016-05-16T21:55:46.525-04:002016-05-16T21:55:46.525-04:00I think the voice is a bit flip for someone runnin...I think the voice is a bit flip for someone running for their life - the "and boy could she feel it" - sounds out of place. Then I was confused. She's dead? What happened? If she doesn't even make it through the first page, then she shouldn't be a POV character.GRCubsfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05765284554972189746noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41476267597389467682016-05-16T21:35:26.560-04:002016-05-16T21:35:26.560-04:00This has a great opening few sentences. Straight t...This has a great opening few sentences. Straight to the action. Love that.<br />This part (I think) either needs to go later or be cut.<br /> "In her haste to get away from him, she left her slippers behind. He had come out of nowhere and after the last time, she just had to escape. The man was a bastard" <br />This isn't necessary and slows down the action. And I'd prefer to see for myself that the man is a bastard (though I have no doubt if she's running from him) then be told flat out that he is. Let your writing 'show' as much as possible. And in this opening you are doing this without needing to 'tell' me he is a bastard. Hope that makes sense.<br />POV- okay, so I was confused. We seeing the story from 3rd person through the woman running, then we shift to the man?? If the woman is knocked out then she can't know what happens next so...? I know this is why you shifted POV but I think you need to stay consistent. Pick a POV that is going to tell the story the best. This is usually the main character and the character who has most to loss and gain. The character we care about. If you do have multiple POV's they are usually separated by chapter or in some way that makes it clear we are now seeing the story through someone else's eyes and not just a switch part was through a paragraph. Switching POV part way through scenes and paragraphs leads to head hopping which is confusing for the reader. <br /><br />Also, I'm always a little wary of books that kill off the POV character within the first page. We are just starting to root for this girl and then... she's dead. Then the reader is left with the man who killed her and... well, as a reader who am I supposed to care about now? What I'm saying is that you have killed the character that had me hooked and then as a reader I need a reason to read on. I need to know whose story this is. And I'm confused at this point. This obviously isn't the story of the girl who just got killed. So who am I following as a reader? Just food for thought.<br />Otherwise I love the story idea. The location is excellent. Keep going!Tabitha Birdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08196816108272065974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9378303659318933432016-05-16T17:34:12.876-04:002016-05-16T17:34:12.876-04:00The shift of POV, as said above threw me, but over...The shift of POV, as said above threw me, but overall I liked the location. I just wish there were a different transitionMeredith Irelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267030131818850231noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57246880046333127982016-05-16T17:32:25.735-04:002016-05-16T17:32:25.735-04:00The shift of POV, as said above threw me, but over...The shift of POV, as said above threw me, but overall I liked the location. I just wish there were a different transitionMeredith Irelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267030131818850231noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10329362565974446582016-05-16T15:40:16.675-04:002016-05-16T15:40:16.675-04:00The shift in POV threw me for a loop as well.The shift in POV threw me for a loop as well.Kathleen M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01487324994554923511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35280587267042731612016-05-16T15:39:51.134-04:002016-05-16T15:39:51.134-04:00The shift in POV threw me for a loop as well.The shift in POV threw me for a loop as well.Kathleen M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01487324994554923511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56436116415013486222016-05-16T14:46:32.550-04:002016-05-16T14:46:32.550-04:00Interesting concept and exotic locale, but I was a...Interesting concept and exotic locale, but I was a little confused by the sudden change in viewpoint from 3rd person told in the eye of the woman to 3rd person told through the unidentified man who kills her. Debbie Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17498299547094240054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86387370620095431632016-05-16T14:46:21.789-04:002016-05-16T14:46:21.789-04:00Interesting concept and exotic locale, but I was a...Interesting concept and exotic locale, but I was a little confused by the sudden change in viewpoint from 3rd person told in the eye of the woman to 3rd person told through the unidentified man who kills her. Debbie Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17498299547094240054noreply@blogger.com