tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6884073783806508226..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: #102 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44207911080073776502008-07-21T00:08:00.000-04:002008-07-21T00:08:00.000-04:00I was interested in the situation, but I'd like mo...I was interested in the situation, but I'd like more action to start out with.Ardythhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15379643762791779892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70123527842575775492008-07-20T13:24:00.000-04:002008-07-20T13:24:00.000-04:00You're using your descriptions well but I don't th...You're using your descriptions well but I don't think we need them this early on in the story. I'd pare back to the stuff after he enters The Master's presence and wrap some of this mood-building in at other places.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35826805280323966012008-07-20T01:51:00.000-04:002008-07-20T01:51:00.000-04:00Ditto Merc.Ditto Merc.Amy Laurenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16782528327499574711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40284343221774457482008-07-20T01:09:00.000-04:002008-07-20T01:09:00.000-04:00I'm interested in the situation, but all the inter...I'm interested in the situation, but all the internal monologue and staring at the setting/description doesn't hook me. It's well-written, but I'd rather see the dude at his master's feet and the conversation from then on as the opening.<BR/><BR/>Good luck,<BR/><BR/>~MercMerchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22018894696725683472008-07-19T06:15:00.000-04:002008-07-19T06:15:00.000-04:00Sorry, but no. Too much description, telling, etc....Sorry, but no. Too much description, telling, etc. Nothing really happened.Beth Overmyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04820441246149409581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1615623950069491182008-07-19T04:09:00.000-04:002008-07-19T04:09:00.000-04:00Not hooked.It was all descriptions and no action. ...Not hooked.<BR/><BR/>It was all descriptions and no action. Nothing happened and I don't get any hints as to what's special about this story.<BR/><BR/>I'd try to get to the plot sooner, instead of having the MC think about the process of walking to the Master.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75321533339739464262008-07-18T18:32:00.000-04:002008-07-18T18:32:00.000-04:00Yes, but with caution. I like the first paragraph ...Yes, but with caution. I like the first paragraph and the last. The parts in between seem like filler -- or at least need a good trim. I'd read long enough to see where the plot heads.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27657739955886463382008-07-18T18:05:00.000-04:002008-07-18T18:05:00.000-04:00Probably not. I liked the first paragraph, the par...Probably not. I liked the first paragraph, the part with the statues was interesting. The next couple paragraphs started to drag, though. The setting strikes me as a bit cliche -- the empty halls, the dark, storminess, haunting music... nothing really happens, and I couldn't find much to relate with in Hasdrumal. It didn't really have a hook, for me.Jenitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03556732969358671557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15725782873424502942008-07-18T13:26:00.000-04:002008-07-18T13:26:00.000-04:00I think your story begins with the first line of d...I think your story begins with the first line of dialogue. Right now your opening is all set up. And while it's interesting information, it doesn't hook me into reading more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89761507842660348262008-07-18T10:51:00.000-04:002008-07-18T10:51:00.000-04:00Not just yet. It has potential, but the entire fi...Not just yet. It has potential, but the entire first paragraph is nothing but internal musings. The MC walks around; nothing happens. Your scene should start with the MC already at his Master's feet.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32235615730346474422008-07-17T19:10:00.000-04:002008-07-17T19:10:00.000-04:00I'd also like to know a little story here. The rep...I'd also like to know a little story here. The repetition of Hasdrumal's name is a little distracting.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16610248061191538332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8720318890630811812008-07-17T17:36:00.000-04:002008-07-17T17:36:00.000-04:00Break up the graph. And we're in Hasdrumal's POV s...Break up the graph. And we're in Hasdrumal's POV so you don't need to keep repeating his name so many times. Nothing much seems to be happening here to hook me. It's all set-up and no story.Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70652769088974174742008-07-17T14:22:00.000-04:002008-07-17T14:22:00.000-04:00Ditto on what others have said. I'd also suggest v...Ditto on what others have said. I'd also suggest varying the sentence length and construction a little to help make it flow better. I really love the imagery of the increasing statues and how they make him feel like he's shrinking!Carrie Harrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14893023777471521703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-658094436227877822008-07-17T13:42:00.000-04:002008-07-17T13:42:00.000-04:00I agree with what katie said. A 250 word first pa...I agree with what katie said. A 250 word first paragraph is daunting to read. <BR/>Hasdrumal is an interesting character though. Try to break it up and see what happens!<BR/><BR/>Emily HAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40749611011867516832008-07-17T13:33:00.000-04:002008-07-17T13:33:00.000-04:00I'm sorry, no.You need to break up the first parag...I'm sorry, no.<BR/><BR/>You need to break up the first paragraph. There is a lot there and I got a little lost...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com