tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6896899904626845665..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? Adult Genre Fiction #27Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78075864848909748132016-05-18T12:10:26.638-04:002016-05-18T12:10:26.638-04:00I'd definitely read further, but I would sugge...I'd definitely read further, but I would suggest not using the word retired. Maybe given up, it may sound like a peeve, but when I read old Volvo and retired later I thought the leads were over fifty and then they're trying to have a child? Its a silly thing, but that's how I felt when I read it. Otherwise I would definitely read on for the voice. :)Pamela Q Fernandeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04280244804316274619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35094462000625244342016-05-17T12:39:42.869-04:002016-05-17T12:39:42.869-04:00I love the logline. And I'm hooked by the exce...I love the logline. And I'm hooked by the excerpt, but I think the commenters above are right - a little condensing wouldn't hurt.Kay Kauffmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09548015800317146108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15672716683283541942016-05-17T08:54:42.365-04:002016-05-17T08:54:42.365-04:00I would keep reading, yes, but I do think that you...I would keep reading, yes, but I do think that you might want to condense the second and third paragraph some. Your story gets interesting with the last sentence, and a lot of the second paragraph feels like backstory. You also have to watch for slipping into telling - for example: wanting a child of our own too. We'd already tentatively decided we'd start trying now that I'd retired from teaching.<br /><br />I love the title, btw!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47467405978450073352016-05-16T21:34:31.231-04:002016-05-16T21:34:31.231-04:00I like the logline, even though I know it breaks a...I like the logline, even though I know it breaks all the rules of a logline. Maybe that's why I like it. *shrug*<br /><br />I like the character's easy kind of playfully snarky voice, and I would keep reading past the 250 up there, but I think I would need something to happen pretty soon to stay interested. Kind of seems like something was gonna happen when Nik stops the car, so I'm guessing that's not an issue, though. mad-hat-writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4501981165162961022016-05-16T19:18:24.162-04:002016-05-16T19:18:24.162-04:00One quick thing -- I need it to be more obvious th...One quick thing -- I need it to be more obvious that husband = Nik before his name pops up in paragraph 4.<br /><br />But the main thing to give this a good hook, I think you need to push the details of that third paragraph further down, to after the last two paragraphs. Those graphs need to move up -- you've got the issue of having kids, and Nik suddenly stopping the car 3 klicks from home -- those are strong. The boxy Volvo bit can come after. But overall, good stuff.<br /><br />Your logline, on the other hand, needs a little more meat in the sandwich. Why does it drive you nuts? What's the consequence of that?<br /><br />Leo Valiquettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09438869771307846900noreply@blogger.com