tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6916955221279439150..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #4Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66557968287203140492019-11-06T18:22:05.717-05:002019-11-06T18:22:05.717-05:00First thing I noticed was the lack of emotions, th...First thing I noticed was the lack of emotions, this should be a really intense scene I would think, but it plays out as very low stakes and ho-hum. The "I hate her!" starts to show the feelings simmering, but I would like to see some signs of that intensity earlier. <br /><br />I also do think the "love" was a bit overdone. If he says it every single time he talks, it starts to become too noticeable instead of natural. <br /><br />But the set up is interesting and I hope they find a way to get married :)AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30422626231009055402019-11-05T22:44:58.048-05:002019-11-05T22:44:58.048-05:00I wasn't sure what time period this is, but fr...I wasn't sure what time period this is, but from the way they’re talking, I’d guess early-to-mid twentieth century?<br /><br />Some of the wording is a bit awkward and could use smoothing out. It’s also repetitious in places and could be pared down. Reading it out loud would help with that.<br /><br />I think you need to drill down the emotions in this scene. Show us what the characters are really feeling. Deidre’s regret. Liam’s frustration. Focusing on their emotions would give us a better sense of who these people are and how they're dealing with challenges and disappointments. Thanks for sharing this with us and good luck.Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50480890545608291362019-11-04T17:04:28.295-05:002019-11-04T17:04:28.295-05:00Interesting! And I already feel for poor Deidre, w...Interesting! And I already feel for poor Deidre, who is finally getting the proposal of her dreams but can't marry due to her family. But I do agree that it reads a bit unemotional. This is a big deal for both, turning down a proposal from the man you love and dreamed of and being turned down by the woman you loved and pined for from afar for four long years. I realize they might have been more restrained than we would today, but as they already know how they feel about each other, they can let some emotions fly, even if held back a bit. <br /><br />I got the feel of the era right away though, so good job! I'd totally read this! DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74987403255380650052019-11-04T15:47:39.530-05:002019-11-04T15:47:39.530-05:00Sounds like you've got a good set-up for confl...Sounds like you've got a good set-up for conflict between our unhappy pair! It's hard to judge the time period--you say historical, but that could be anything from the 1980s on back. I'm guessing from your more formal choice of dialogue that this takes place in an earlier century (though "Mom" and "Dad" are more modern terms).<br /><br />Overall, I think your characters' words are a bit overdone. In attempting to recreate the sometimes-more-formal speech of earlier times, it's easy to fall into the over-writing trap.<br /><br />I would encourage you to read this dialogue out loud. Our tongues and ears tend to let us know when dialogue sounds clunky or unbelievable.<br /><br />The last chunk of dialogue is particularly dense, and I would encourage you to pair it down.<br /><br />Also, you're not using any tags (he said, she said) or beats (bits of action), so there's no setting. I want to feel some emotion. I'm not even sure which character is the protagonist! Give us glimpses of the emotion that this scene contains, and draw us deeper into the thought of your MC. And break up those big chunks of words!<br /><br />For example:<br /><br />“I can’t marry you, or anyone; not now."<br /><br />Liam looked as though he'd forgotten how to breathe. "Not...now?"<br /><br />"Clare’s always wanted to be a doctor." Deirdre couldn't seem to control the tremble in her voice. "Mom and Dad told her they couldn’t afford the tuition, so I promised Clare that I’d get a job. My wages could help send her to college, and then to medical school, where she is now. I can’t break that promise.”<br /><br />"Is that all, love?" Liam sounded relieved. "“I’ve a wee bit saved that I thought we could use to buy a house in Queens or Brooklyn, but we can always rent an apartment for a few years instead, and give those few coins to Clare." He smiled. "So, now that we’ve settled all that, when should we get married?”<br /><br />Best of luck!Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.com