tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6958178136803400517..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #1Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17544321177874788382011-09-24T22:07:45.962-04:002011-09-24T22:07:45.962-04:00Thanks again for all the advice! Seems like I nee...Thanks again for all the advice! Seems like I need to watch out for the cliched descriptions. Will look through manuscript for those and telling phrases now.Writer of #1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91390912233401222932011-09-23T20:10:55.037-04:002011-09-23T20:10:55.037-04:00You need to use language more creatively--you have...You need to use language more creatively--you have a hammering heart, flashing eyes, relief crashing in waves, all pretty standard stuff. How else can you tell us she's freaking out without using "hammering heart"?<br /><br />I really, really like the set up here--I'm completely intrigued by the fact that she's stolen her mother's wedding photo--but I might not keep reading because I feel like you should use more vivid, interesting language.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67831093556969730542011-09-22T21:20:47.703-04:002011-09-22T21:20:47.703-04:00I'm with everyone regarding the first line. Th...I'm with everyone regarding the first line. The other thing that jumped out was the formal language and then 'goofy grin.' To me that felt out of place.<br />But good job and good luck! I liked it!! : )Write Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11243460609179141414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23922037077007061682011-09-22T04:39:19.267-04:002011-09-22T04:39:19.267-04:00The first two sentences are telling. If you combin...The first two sentences are telling. If you combine them, the scene gets even stronger. Its an intriguing beginning and I'd read more.Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12033581332697935852011-09-21T17:26:44.520-04:002011-09-21T17:26:44.520-04:00I agree with the excising of the first line. &quo...I agree with the excising of the first line. "Sneaking into her mother's bedroom wore Lily's nerves to their breaking point." is much more immediate, if less mysterious (mystery being important since we're dealing with fantasy here).<br /><br />Though I drawn in by the tension in the piece, I'm also turned off by the almost cliche phrasings you sometimes have ("darkness cloaked), "relief crashed into her in waves", and the flashing eyes). I'd suggest cutting those phrasings or twisting them into something more startling.Andrew Kozmahttp://www.kozma.curragh-labs.org/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19023773852132812172011-09-21T16:25:18.595-04:002011-09-21T16:25:18.595-04:00I didn't care for the first line, either. I wa...I didn't care for the first line, either. I was intrigued by the 'The end of Lily's world started by', then I expected something momentous, not 'with a pursuit of knowledge'.<br />Also, 'coaxing a goofy grin' - not unless she can see herself grinning.<br />I would like to know why the photo's so important, though.Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3377677125484835432011-09-21T16:11:38.255-04:002011-09-21T16:11:38.255-04:00Thanks for your input. That's such a good poi...Thanks for your input. That's such a good point about 'sneaking.' And I wasn't sure if the first line would mesh well with rest; I guess I have my answer now!Writer of #1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50635840771996258022011-09-21T15:04:02.513-04:002011-09-21T15:04:02.513-04:00I don't care for the first line.
You have a g...I don't care for the first line.<br /><br />You have a great deal of tension in this excerpt, which is great! It can be enhanced even more if you show, like Barbara mentioned.<br /><br />I would read on.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63570933671448619352011-09-21T12:27:20.169-04:002011-09-21T12:27:20.169-04:00I really liked this. It started with mystery and ...I really liked this. It started with mystery and a bit of suspense, which continued throughout the piece. There was constant movement, and there was always a reason to read on. You strung me along from sentence to sentence.<br /><br />Only two suggestions -- perhaps cut the first line. It basically tells us what's to come, hinting at why she's stealing the photo. If you leave it as a mystery, then there's more of a reason to read on, and you'll be starting with your actual story, rather than explaining it.<br /><br />And it could be even stronger if you showed a bit more, instead of telling it. For instance, intead of starting with 'Sneaking' into the room,(telling) show her actually sneaking in so the reader figures it out for themelves through her actions. Instead of 'Ressured her she was alone' let us see what she sees, show us she's alone.<br /><br />It's good as is, but showing it could take it to another level. Very nicely done!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30364019349097628772011-09-21T11:52:28.008-04:002011-09-21T11:52:28.008-04:00I don't know if I'm hooked, but I definite...I don't know if I'm hooked, but I definitely am curious as to why having the picture is such a big deal to Lily. <br /><br />I get confused about where she is after she hides behind the door. Since it's fantasy I'm wonder if she walks through the door...<br /><br />One last thing, the first line seems so formal and for some reason I thought you meant the actual world, not just the MC's world.RaeFo123noreply@blogger.com