tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6964973280584787450..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32752973539300321602008-12-04T19:25:00.000-05:002008-12-04T19:25:00.000-05:00Thick smoke swirled in lazy circles trapped beneat...<I>Thick smoke swirled in lazy circles trapped beneath the floorboards overhead.</I> <BR/><BR/>This sentence confuses me. If the MC is on the lower floor, then wouldn't the smoke be curling around the ceiling?LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35665968046369277002008-12-04T11:01:00.000-05:002008-12-04T11:01:00.000-05:00beneath floorboards overhead really threw me... ve...beneath floorboards overhead really threw me... very contradictory. I liked the imagery but I wish there was more of a hook to make me wonder why the MC is in a basement or what old lady Kwan has to do with anything.Charliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03523744949575339156noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39799671030824935802008-12-04T10:33:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:33:00.000-05:00Average Readability Level: 9.82Average of grade le...Average Readability Level: 9.82<BR/>Average of grade levels scores that follow.<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Specific Scores<BR/>Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 66.7<BR/>Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.<BR/><BR/>Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 7.6<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.9<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 14.4<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 7.2<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 10<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Too high reading level.<BR/>John Grisham <BR/>Tom Clancy <BR/>Michael Crichton <BR/>Stephen King <BR/>Clive Cussler <BR/>Mary Renault <BR/>Frank McCourt <BR/>Arthur Golden <BR/><BR/>All write at 7th grade levelJulie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17977336388969844662008-12-04T10:31:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:31:00.000-05:00I don’t see the direction here yet. There should b...I don’t see the direction here yet. There should be a comma before trapped. Your narrator is clearly underneath the apothecary shop, which is the only thing that peaks my interest. I’m wondering why he/she is down there. I’m not really hooked.Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79831841431952696642008-12-04T09:58:00.000-05:002008-12-04T09:58:00.000-05:00Hmm.... What is up with that smoke? I like this, b...Hmm.... What is up with that smoke? I like this, but I'd clean up the second sentence just a bit. Perhaps either a comma between "worked" and "restocking," or just "while they restocked her apothecary."<BR/><BR/>I'd read on. :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740371055384281988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67585919170396106242008-12-03T22:35:00.000-05:002008-12-03T22:35:00.000-05:00The second sentence should be the first. The first...The second sentence should be the first. The first one doesn't make sense.Yvonne Osbornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18212188414972694795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33695224907955587252008-12-03T22:29:00.000-05:002008-12-03T22:29:00.000-05:00Had to look up apothecary, but the fact that the M...Had to look up apothecary, but the fact that the MC is hiding under the floorboards and there is smoke, has me wondering what is going on.<BR/><BR/>I'd read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8650250718314772922008-12-03T21:31:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:31:00.000-05:00while they worked ON restocking orwhile they resto...while they worked ON restocking <BR/><BR/>or<BR/><BR/>while they restocked the <BR/><BR/>Not hooked yet... but I'd read a little more to get a better idea.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10110805586309544612008-12-03T19:56:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:56:00.000-05:00This confused me as well. I had to read it a coupl...This confused me as well. I had to read it a couple times. Is there a better way to set the scene?feywriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17224558691840388691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44662604386814422802008-12-03T19:15:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:15:00.000-05:00Er, it feels like you're missing commas somewhere ...Er, it feels like you're missing commas somewhere here. Afraid it doesn't really hook me, as I had to reread the first sentence several times to figure out if the smoke was on the narrator's ceiling or what (still not entirely sure)...Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80914129595199700042008-12-03T17:35:00.000-05:002008-12-03T17:35:00.000-05:00Well, I'm a little confused about the floorboards ...Well, I'm a little confused about the floorboards overhead. if there's smoke, is the place on fire? But then the second sentence, the people aren't running for cover, but acting normal. so it's confusing more than intriguing. I'd probably read on to see if it gets more intriguing soon.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64172398264362503332008-12-03T16:36:00.000-05:002008-12-03T16:36:00.000-05:00I'd happily read on, this interests me. I'm assum...I'd happily read on, this interests me. I'm assuming we're in a basement from the "floorboards" line... if we aren't you might want to adjust.Ardythhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15379643762791779892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57505084556074385852008-12-03T14:03:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:03:00.000-05:00Overall, a good opening.The first sentence needs t...Overall, a good opening.<BR/><BR/>The first sentence needs to be tweaked for clarity.Barbara Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00610140328527165017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15328588027128278612008-12-03T13:02:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:02:00.000-05:00Not a bad opening. Something about "beneath the fl...Not a bad opening. Something about "beneath the floorboards overhead" was tough to digest... consider replacing beneath with something less contradictoryAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.com