tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6971358335090895186..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Two (MG Fiction) #11Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67960895245655669092014-02-15T13:21:02.889-05:002014-02-15T13:21:02.889-05:00Love this. I would definitely pick this off the sh...Love this. I would definitely pick this off the shelf!<br />I agree that while your description of Craig is really fun, it's a bit too long. We want to get back to the letter she found just as much as she does -- so maybe collapse it a bit?<br />Also agree on the "every girl knows" - why is that?<br />And finally, agree that using the word "lied" is more powerful than "didn't care enough".<br />Terrific work, good luck.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18403083766515156655noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45196602288171441142014-02-15T09:48:37.494-05:002014-02-15T09:48:37.494-05:00Great start.
The opening sentence does imply tha...Great start. <br /><br />The opening sentence does imply that Mom tells Annie her Dad is dead until Annie dies (i.e. not just to the time of the story, but onward too). You need a 'had'<br /><br />However I'd reword. Don't start with an opening phrase. 'That' is unnecessary too. And calling mom a liar might help emote more.<br /><br /><b>Mom always told me Dad was dead.<br /><br />She'd lied.</b>Davenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24252973670477012552014-02-14T11:41:32.280-05:002014-02-14T11:41:32.280-05:00Wowser! Great opening line. I would edit out &qu...Wowser! Great opening line. I would edit out "that". It's a word that (LOL) sneaks into our language and is not always needed.<br /><br />Great details used to reveal info to the reader without feeling like info dumping. Good job with that. I can "see" your characters.<br /><br />At the end, I was hooked. I know that the MC is going to begin a quest (title and first page) and I want to tag along. Good luck with this ms. Patricia Nesbitt<br />Patricia Nesbittnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82118131032276763242014-02-12T21:28:56.805-05:002014-02-12T21:28:56.805-05:00Cute title! Annie seems awfully accepting of all t...Cute title! Annie seems awfully accepting of all the changes Craig has made. A typical kid would gripe about it, if only to herself. Especially if she's going to run away.<br /><br />"...below mom's and stained in oil" confused me. Somehow I thought her name had been painted on with oil paint.<br /><br />I agree that the interchange with and description of Craig goes on too long. But I do like her term for him: Health-butt.<br /><br />If he lives there, wouldn't she have noticed the chipped tooth a long time ago? Maybe you could say "Every time he laughed I could see his chipped front tooth."<br /><br />Minor comments/questions:<br />3rd paragraph: Don't need "in the trash."<br />Sticky matt should be mat.<br />What are black jellybean letters?MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73300850558666616342014-02-12T18:17:47.660-05:002014-02-12T18:17:47.660-05:00Love the descriptions of Health-butt! I think you ...Love the descriptions of Health-butt! I think you should name the "someone said" since she clearly knows who it is. I also thought the "Every girl knows" sounded a bit funny, kind of like it was put in at some point to make sure we knew the mc was a girl. I wasn't quite sure what jellybean letters were, but the detail and description in this piece was really nice.GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13427759805679328722014-02-12T17:26:17.490-05:002014-02-12T17:26:17.490-05:00This is a great opening with spot on descriptions,...This is a great opening with spot on descriptions, particularly of Craig -- I love "Dairy gave him gas." And I love that Annie's mother "Didn't care enough." It's a great set-up for some great family dysfunction and your MC's voice is funny despite the sad situation.<br />Nice job.Pattyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05661894463515895115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90526295964480826372014-02-12T17:06:58.784-05:002014-02-12T17:06:58.784-05:00I love this one! Love all the details about Craig ...I love this one! Love all the details about Craig because it actually does tell me about your protagonist because it's showing us her voice :) I think that's a killer first sentence, but the second one is a little bit of telling~ maybe just combine sentence two and three for more impact? "My whole life, Mom told me that my dad was dead. But there was my name, Annie Berger, below Mom’s and stained in oil." Anyway, really enjoyed reading this~ best of luck with it!Jessica Lawsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08916560941871741885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26861549488459202892014-02-12T15:31:21.874-05:002014-02-12T15:31:21.874-05:00I thought the voice was strong and the story is so...I thought the voice was strong and the story is something that will suck the reader in. The idea of finding a letter from her dad who she thought was dead is great. Especially because you've set up a situation where she doesn't seem happy with her mom's fiance. I liked the part with Craig. I think if you want to fix something based on how others felt like it slowed down, show Annie being frustrated and thinking of ways to get him out. You show her doing that by mentioning the headstand, but if she seemed more annoyed, we wouldn't lose our attention from the letter, but we'd still get how annoying Craig is. Great job! I'd read on.Creel Familyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15029252970974284330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25590721287657242352014-02-12T14:46:47.407-05:002014-02-12T14:46:47.407-05:00I enjoyed the humor in this.
A couple of nitpick...I enjoyed the humor in this. <br /><br />A couple of nitpicks: the phrase "and stained in oil" strikes me as awkward; the chipped tooth sounds like it's a new flaw; and the "Every girl knows" sentence pulls me out of the story. <br /><br />I'd like to find out if she manages to connect with her dad, and how. I love the title--it sounds like a good story! C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14206366338997114632014-02-12T13:53:24.223-05:002014-02-12T13:53:24.223-05:00Hm. Somehow I want this to start with a version of...Hm. Somehow I want this to start with a version of third paragraph. I feel like the first two - or actually the first sentence could be "Everything changed when I found the letter in the recycling bin." Then you could into "I tugged at the…"<br /><br />Seems like the other details about her name aren't as important just yet. But I agree with Post-It about things slowing down with Craig. But tighten things up after that and you have an intriguing beginning. I'd be curious for more.Mark Holtzenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17951708881333152501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10448979821338910772014-02-12T11:09:26.529-05:002014-02-12T11:09:26.529-05:00I was very intrigued by the concept that was set u...I was very intrigued by the concept that was set up in these first 500..piecing together a letter from the dad she thought was dead...very cool! Craig's interruption, therefore, slowed down the action a little too much for me. I wanted the scene to be cut in half so that she could get up to her closet and figure out what was going on with the letter. This early in the story, all of the details about Annie's stepdad felt superfluous and at times repetitive. <br /><br />Your writing and sassy voice seem spot-on to me, but I would suggest delaying the long descriptions about Craig and focusing more on the letter and getting to know Annie to build on the initial momentum in your first few paragraphs.Yellow Post-itnoreply@blogger.com