tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6977260633311444450..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: 25 Words #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42016933317189968582020-09-24T08:57:45.825-04:002020-09-24T08:57:45.825-04:00nice!
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I open my eye...I'd tighten this intro further- <br />I open my eyes only to have my retina's fried by a blaze of lights. Damn! (in here I think you need to put something about why it is improtatnt for her/him to see, so that you raise the tension) ie. how's a girl supposed to defend herself when all she sees is random white blobs. (this makes it more immediate etc. Not sure where you are going with the not being able to see but as it is a suspense I think this is better.)Bronhttp://www.bronwenevans.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48220082307705222152010-06-22T16:58:31.892-04:002010-06-22T16:58:31.892-04:00If his retinas are being fried, wouldn't he do...If his retinas are being fried, wouldn't he do more than flinch? Perhaps cut the flinch.<br /><br />Damn! Now all I see is random white blobs. <br /><br />And the black he saw with his eyes closed before this happened is so much better?<br /><br />I know that's not what you're trying to convey, but that's what the words are saying. Perhaps rather than a verbal reaction to the light, the MC could give us a clue as to what the light was, or where it came from?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12885598674763737522010-06-22T12:18:08.075-04:002010-06-22T12:18:08.075-04:00Present-tense first person can be tough to pull of...Present-tense first person can be tough to pull off, though it puts the reader in the moment. I only worry that this opening doesn't move the reader into the story fast enough. <br /><br />Hard to tell in only 25 words but there's not much to pull me in here.Vincent Kalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04625863843215035035noreply@blogger.com