tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7088699400214367578..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: 49 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13669448295658329202009-04-23T00:04:00.000-04:002009-04-23T00:04:00.000-04:00The elves, the half-bloods, the made up words...al...The elves, the half-bloods, the made up words...all a little too trite for me. Also, what is an eight-sided disc? I have trouble with characters that start off being whiny, it doesn't make me want to read more.Jennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14353365745000545667noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72477461031728598932009-04-20T22:40:00.000-04:002009-04-20T22:40:00.000-04:00The rhythm of the writing echoes the melodrama of ...The rhythm of the writing echoes the melodrama of the setup. er-yn KNEW what her TUtors and NANnies SAID about her beHIND closed doors. SHe was the FREAK of the KINGdom. the WEIGHT of her MOTHer's NECKlace AGAINST her THROAT CHOKED her. THUMPityTHUMPityTHUMP!!!<br /><br />I don't feel I can trust the author's honesty, as if this isn't a character the author really sympathizes with or cares about--just wants to use her to show us a moral.<br /><br />Don't show me a moral. It's rude.DeAnnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10260429251547575572noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77607384825655717082009-04-17T14:02:00.000-04:002009-04-17T14:02:00.000-04:00I think this is something I might read, but not re...I think this is something I might read, but not represent. I'm not in love of the idea of an angry MC -- I don't want to spend my time with someone so annoyed at the world.<br /><br />There's also some fantasy cliche here, as well as writing cliche -- describing your MC by having her look at herself in a reflective surface, for instance.<br /><br />Not hooked, I'm afraid.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66528109746746900382009-04-17T06:57:00.000-04:002009-04-17T06:57:00.000-04:00Interesting, but could perhaps be trimmed down a l...Interesting, but could perhaps be trimmed down a little? I was intrigued by 'that thing' - I'd read on, because I'd like to know what it is that cause such dislike in her.McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44611241312844883072009-04-17T05:03:00.000-04:002009-04-17T05:03:00.000-04:00The first sentence didn’t grab me and I’m not real...The first sentence didn’t grab me and I’m not real found of stormed. Seems you can’t have a YA novel without this angst ridden word. Stormed is best served in moderation, but really I don’t think we need our MC to both push the iron gate and storm – she can getting into the garden just as easily if she does jus one. “The beauty of the secluded scape did nothing to soothe her anger.” This sentence made me groan because this attempt to bring in setting is award and boring. Then we loose all action to get an internal diatribe that is loaded with teenage angst and an information dump loaded with backstory. There is an interesting story here and you can even keep the angst, just dial it down. Withholding what “That thing” is, isn’t enough reason for me to read more. Also, probably a dead horse by now, but he isn’t everyone.Stevennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26478230262211819262009-04-17T01:37:00.000-04:002009-04-17T01:37:00.000-04:00"Everyone kept talking ... strangers agreed with h..."Everyone kept talking ... strangers agreed with him" confused me. Is that a typo?<br /><br />I like how you've slipped in some interesting details about this world, but it did seem like a lot of backstory.<br /><br />Good luck!A.L. Sonnichsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11358456786727534289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92047355683060336162009-04-16T20:41:00.000-04:002009-04-16T20:41:00.000-04:00Mostly I like this. A few items:
Everyone kept ta...Mostly I like this. A few items:<br />Everyone kept talking about how wonderful Mum was, and complete strangers agreed with him. <br />Who is "him?" There were a number of other small issues i had; no big deal individually but taken together, I think it needs a little tightening. I didn't like the incomplete sentence. Small things like:<br />Especially now. Mum was dead. Two short sentences in a row that I think would have read better as "Especially now that Mum was dead." Is the next sentence necessary? Is it even true? She seems to have a father and brother.<br /><br />I'm hooked, and I'm reading a middle grade book right now that imho isn't as well-written as this. Still, I think this could be better with tweaking.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43767522693853142172009-04-16T13:55:00.000-04:002009-04-16T13:55:00.000-04:00Didn't read earlier comments, so this may be redun...Didn't read earlier comments, so this may be redundant.<br /><br />First paragraph - confused as to who "him" is. <br /><br />Eryn does a lot of throwing and ripping and pulling. How old is she?<br /><br />One more thing, her hair is tightly braided, but when she sees herself in the disc, she has dark messy hair. Can't see that being possible when it's tied up in braids.<br /><br />But I still love the idea of fairies and elves, so I would read on anyway once you fixed these minor nits. Girl with an identity crisis is always a good choice for me.melody colleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00141076095772934536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87285117088452786322009-04-16T12:22:00.000-04:002009-04-16T12:22:00.000-04:00I think this is a cler start, but would be more ef...I think this is a cler start, but would be more effective and tighter if it didn't oversell her grief. It felt emotionally repetitive, which slowed it down and dulled it. <br /><br />I'd be tempted to start with her pulling off the necklace that chokes her, and only saying once her mother has left her. <br /><br />It just felt very "telly" when with some tightening up it could be very emotional and tense. But worth working on to tighten and tense up. :}E.M. Kokiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00453541159643901257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60094497219401311932009-04-16T10:19:00.000-04:002009-04-16T10:19:00.000-04:00Obviously you can write. I have one positive and o...Obviously you can write. I have one positive and one negative. The negative being that in the first 250 words you describe your character through a reflection. Even though, it's not a mirror, it's still a reflection. I guess further along in the book it would be easier to get away with that. That's just a cliche I try to stay away from all together. But, you've got to know the rules before you can break them, and you seem to know them. So breaking them is your choice.<br /><br /> Positive? The biggest hook for me is what it is that Eryn could do differently. That makes me want to read on.<br /><br />One other thing I noticed. You seem to be in the sequel part of the scene-sequel structure. Maybe a better place to start would be with her in the funeral experiencing the looks and showing us the intoleration. Then we will immediately empathize with her when she storms away. Just a thought.ldpaulingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14808191755701674472009-04-16T09:04:00.000-04:002009-04-16T09:04:00.000-04:00I would read on - very enjoyable. "She might as we...I would read on - very enjoyable. "She might as well be all human" is a great line. It sets up genre and mood all at the same time - it would make a great lead line too!Just Menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78334753184429232702009-04-16T04:11:00.000-04:002009-04-16T04:11:00.000-04:00I liked your voice and the way the details were ad...I liked your voice and the way the details were added along the way.<br /><br /><br />The use of 'Mum' threw me. It jarred for elven speak.<br /><br />But I would definitely read on.Cheryl Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37883163428956224512009-04-15T23:16:00.000-04:002009-04-15T23:16:00.000-04:00Author here! Thanks for the great suggestions and...Author here! Thanks for the great suggestions and crits, guys! I really appreciate the comments! The "him" is a typo on my part (blushes embarrassedly) and will be fixed in the final copy.<br /><br /><br />Amy-have to ask...what made you think I'm British? I'm flattered, as I love the Brits...but I'm from New Jersey.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68927583133753435292009-04-15T19:43:00.000-04:002009-04-15T19:43:00.000-04:00I think a stronger opening line would improve this...I think a stronger opening line would improve this.<br /><br />I thought this could be made stronger by starting with the line, "The weight of her mother's necklace against her throat choked her." <br /><br />There is a bit of telling in here, a bit of infodumping that could be thinned out, interspaced between some action or in a scene with some conflict. <br /><br />Good luck!Azimuthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82797531419673433232009-04-15T19:38:00.000-04:002009-04-15T19:38:00.000-04:00I'm completely hooked. I liked the voice and how ...I'm completely hooked. I liked the voice and how immediately I felt 'in' the head of the character.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55618972711628746762009-04-15T17:39:00.000-04:002009-04-15T17:39:00.000-04:00Hi! Done no peeping at other comments, so all imo....Hi! Done no peeping at other comments, so all imo. :)<br /><br />Yes, hooked. <br /><br />Great characterization with Eryn (kept reading her name as Bryn which I liked too). Love all the character, story, and world details you sneaked in.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67034279175323975802009-04-15T17:36:00.000-04:002009-04-15T17:36:00.000-04:00To the point and clear. Not my genre,but easy to r...To the point and clear. Not my genre,but easy to read.fascinatednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47666648124959725092009-04-15T17:27:00.000-04:002009-04-15T17:27:00.000-04:00This isn't my genre but I enjoyed your 250. I espe...This isn't my genre but I enjoyed your 250. I especially like the last paragraph (how funny that being human is a drag ;-)). Well done!sonjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08631391506006475925noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71866488438182912542009-04-15T15:05:00.000-04:002009-04-15T15:05:00.000-04:00You might have guessed, but the "him" at the end o...You might have guessed, but the "him" at the end of the first paragraph threw me too. The word "freak" also seemed to modern for the character. I liked how you left me hanging with "that thing". I easily fell into the story otherwise and would read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75845506751826996162009-04-15T14:56:00.000-04:002009-04-15T14:56:00.000-04:00Good internal conflict with this character and we ...Good internal conflict with this character and we get a lot about her and her family in a believable way. I'd keep reading.<br /><br />The only thing that threw me was "that thing." It felt almost like a lead-on directed at me, the reader, to make me question what it could be...and if you don't explain it in the next paragraph or so, then it might bother me rather than intrigue me. I wonder if it would feel like a more natural thought if it were along the lines of "Eryn's only ability was useless/embarrassing/weak." (You wouldn't have to reveal it, but it could still be mysterious without being so emphasized that it's distracting).Stephanienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80063346627382098042009-04-15T14:42:00.000-04:002009-04-15T14:42:00.000-04:00I really liked 'she might as well be all human' th...I really liked 'she might as well be all human' that had a definite character feel to it that read well and was freighted with depth and texture. Makes me want to read on. <br /><br />Minor quibble: she pushes through the gate while storming inside the garden in the first sentence, setting up everything else..'pushed through' seems to me to be too 'mild' of a verb there...especially to be followed so quickly by 'stormed' and 'anger.' I wanted that first sentence to have more heft and punch. <br /><br />And, ditto to all on 'him' at the end of that paragraph...Peterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03525836364241572779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15270828627637849662009-04-15T12:46:00.000-04:002009-04-15T12:46:00.000-04:00I have a soft spot British YA and I think the voic...I have a soft spot British YA and I think the voice is cute. My only concern is I'd want to see the plot go in an original direction. I'll have to keep reading to find out! <br /><br />I would take another look at this: Mum was dead. She left Eryn all alone. No one else would ever understand her, not like Mum did.<br />Everyone just tolerated her. They had to, because of her father. <br /><br />I think the line "everyone tolerated her" is cute. But, the problem is that it seems like an odd thing to say about someone who has passed away. Especially when right above she says no one else would ever understand her. Which one is it?<br /><br />Good work. <br /><br />- AKAmy Kinzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10436166248133753017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3986548205239837972009-04-15T12:36:00.000-04:002009-04-15T12:36:00.000-04:00I like it and would read on. The "him" at the end ...I like it and would read on. The "him" at the end of the first para. threw me too. I like how you've described her with the pointy ears and braids and hinted about that thing she can do.Jamie Blairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15899384749829457808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85040095198830032602009-04-15T12:22:00.000-04:002009-04-15T12:22:00.000-04:00I'd get rid of the first paragraphs as they are al...I'd get rid of the first paragraphs as they are all telling. I'd start with "The weight of her mother's necklace choked her." This is brilliant in that it (probably) aptly identifies your protagonist's story worthy problem. You don't need "against her neck". Since it is a necklace, I figured as much.<br /><br />I like the writing and I'd read more to see if it kept up or if there were more problems of show don't tell and redundancy.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30745497680241760752009-04-15T12:14:00.000-04:002009-04-15T12:14:00.000-04:00Good job on working the angst and dropping in the ...Good job on working the angst and dropping in the story hook. I'm curious what direction you take after this opening. You have your market in mind with your style--that's good.<br /><br />I would continue to read on.<br /><br />(I think I saw the query for this? That might have me intrigued a bit too as I know what she has to do. If I am linking this to the wrong query--forgive me. Either way, I am intrigued.)<br /><br />:)Jeanhttp://www.jeanoram.com/blognoreply@blogger.com