tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7160944933875793904..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber Winners #4Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64154697388587859992014-04-21T22:30:14.480-04:002014-04-21T22:30:14.480-04:00Nicely done. I also got lost in all the red and pi...Nicely done. I also got lost in all the red and pink. I skipped over it. But I thought this was nice to set us in a world, but consider what details are a MUST and what can be left out. Congrats on being in the top five! I so loved reading this.Tricia Lawrence, EMLAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20005759372657754182014-04-21T18:57:17.234-04:002014-04-21T18:57:17.234-04:00Congrats on your agent request!
Thanks for sharin...Congrats on your agent request! <br />Thanks for sharing this dramatic story opening. I agree w/above readers - paragraphs 2-4 not needed quite yet. Rather than have heroine describe what she's just about to do, what she's not doing, what she needs to do - just keep us in the lovely, intriguing story moment, and let the man greet her at the door (or bare minimum of description between the red door she's seeking and his welcoming her there. His voice and hers are great. I like the description of his house. (It makes it seem like its one of the first times she's been there. If she's been there before, she might have a quicker view of everything. But it orients the reader nicely!) And such a great ending hook to this opening. <br /><br />Yes I'd love to read more! Great work & best wishes on your writing.austenfannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34291007092890261552014-04-21T01:01:46.300-04:002014-04-21T01:01:46.300-04:00This bears a strong resemblance to miyuli's we...This bears a strong resemblance to miyuli's webcomic of the same title(http://miyuli.tumblr.com/post/77927805768/finally-i-can-present-you-my-little-comic-hearts). Is this fanfic based on the comic or are you the original artist?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88084636816511209532014-04-19T20:55:35.510-04:002014-04-19T20:55:35.510-04:00My apologies! Apparently my earlier post didn'...My apologies! Apparently my earlier post didn't 'take'. I still love the opening line and the world-building. I, too, would like to have a clearer picture of the hearts -- whether they're human, animal, mechanical or? I love so much of the language -- particularly the term 'heart soot.' I'd definitely keep on reading.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06611656982367077903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47885935803423301952014-04-18T15:07:54.952-04:002014-04-18T15:07:54.952-04:00My thoughts are in line with everyone else here. J...My thoughts are in line with everyone else here. Just too much telling. Instead of telling us that everyone hates red and pink, show us. Show us the men walking by the red door and spitting on it or making a warding sign against evil. Show the crowd parting around her to avoid touching her pink dress. <br /><br />The information itself isn't bad, but its delivered in a way that stops the action of the story instead of being a part of the story.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01052604405996474436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76600623353703342622014-04-18T12:51:55.245-04:002014-04-18T12:51:55.245-04:00I'm late to the party but I loved the first li...I'm late to the party but I loved the first line when I voted yes on it. I love this page and I would read more. I enjoy steampunk and don't feel it's too much backstory. I agree with Danielle though, what are Snatchers? Do they "snatch" your hearts from your body? I loved the part when he has "heartsoot" in his hair. What the heck is that? I want to know more!!! Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75582060244848003302014-04-18T11:00:11.071-04:002014-04-18T11:00:11.071-04:00I love this page, and would really like to see the...I love this page, and would really like to see the full manuscript! I’m entirely intrigued by this world, and this brash character, who I have a very strong sense of – her voice, the way she sets herself apart from others (and enjoys that), the way she wants to take control of every situation she’s in, even her sly sense of humor. Because I feel connected to her, I’m invested in this story and what comes next (what’s behind that door!) right away.<br /><br />My comments are small, line-edits really: I got a little lost in the brick buildings, and red doors – which are essentially the same color, so it doesn’t seem like a red door would stand out as completely as a red door against a limestone building, for instance. In some places, the language seems too much the vernacular of this world (“I mean, who do I think I am…”). But these are small things, and as I say, I’d love to see more!<br />Susan Hawkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09089666265680888535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5465440747363458652014-04-17T18:04:38.851-04:002014-04-17T18:04:38.851-04:00Well, unfortunately, my thoughts fall along the sa...Well, unfortunately, my thoughts fall along the same line as others. This is the one I wanted to see most, and I do think it's a great idea, but the back story kills it.<br /><br />Forget that there's a reader. Your characters live in their world, not this one. Cut pargs 2 and 3. Ask yourself, who is your MC explaining all this to? SHe already knows it, and she isn't talking to anyone, so it has to be there for the reader, who doesn't exist in her world. And while she is explaining all this to a person who doesn't exist, nothing is happening. Your story has stopped. <br /><br />Just tell the story. A good rule is to NOT tell us about anyone or anything until they appear on scene. When we need to know the worth of hearts and the dangers of Snatchers, it'll come out automatically right where it's supposed to. Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8648942779102741802014-04-17T17:46:39.204-04:002014-04-17T17:46:39.204-04:00You lost me at the second paragraph. Too much tell...You lost me at the second paragraph. Too much telling me about red and pink.don't hate menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55382711583648544962014-04-17T17:15:16.715-04:002014-04-17T17:15:16.715-04:00I feel like I'm going to be utterly useless he...I feel like I'm going to be utterly useless here because I actually really loved this and want to keep reading. I can see what others are saying about too much world building and maybe not enough plot, but I do think you did enough to balance that out with little things like the woman looking at her dress in disgust. <br /><br />Personally, the only thing that bothered me was that I think it's vital to give us a real sense of the threat that these people face. I don't know what a Snatcher is so I don't feel the proper tension when you use that word, but if you were to say that everyone lives in fear of having their hearts literally stolen/snatched/what have you (I still don't quite know), I'll feel worried for the characters. You can introduce the word Snatchers a bit later when we have the context to know what it is they do. But that's really nitpicky!Danielle Burbynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74178625400077916202014-04-17T16:13:40.264-04:002014-04-17T16:13:40.264-04:00I agree with the above posters - lots of world-bui...I agree with the above posters - lots of world-building details too soon and too much. It makes an otherwise intriguing premise drag on.<br /><br />Also, I'm not getting much steampunk in these pages even though you've built up the world a bunch. <br /><br />I'd love to see some danger, some interaction, some circumstances that make me root for, hate, love or otherwise care about the MC.<br /><br />Great idea that needs some polish.therealtwinmomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77911406994798486292014-04-17T15:36:46.547-04:002014-04-17T15:36:46.547-04:00I was eagerly awaiting this one. I love the openin...I was eagerly awaiting this one. I love the opening paragraph. But then we diverge into two paragraphs that seem out of place to me. I understand we need to know this information. But not yet. Consider delaying them and moving right to the paragraph about arriving at the red door. It supports the opening and adds more layers of mystery. Mysteries I want to read about to see where they lead. <br /><br />One little nit-pick. In the last paragraph, did she grip the door, or the door handle? <br /><br />I'm very intrigued by this set-up.MargotGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30896655563916762382014-04-17T15:15:35.190-04:002014-04-17T15:15:35.190-04:00I've never read any steampunk, but I would def...I've never read any steampunk, but I would definitely continue reading this. It drew me into a strange world slowly, without confusing me, and made me wonder what else there was for me to learn here. Great job!JanetLeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04351167841202171487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7499566875714931392014-04-17T13:18:57.004-04:002014-04-17T13:18:57.004-04:00This concept is really interesting. I'm fascin...This concept is really interesting. I'm fascinated by the need for hearts to protect from the Snatchers and how broken hearts aren't good for much but pure hearts are worth 100 gold pieces. It promises a unique story. But what I really wish is that you'd saved some of these details and added them only as needed. Right now, I'm picturing the MC standing still in front of the red door and holding her heavy basket of hearts while she tells me all this.<br /><br />But with a little rearranging, this would be great.amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88057616863437898672014-04-17T10:12:55.303-04:002014-04-17T10:12:55.303-04:00Similar to some of the above: These paragraphs mov...Similar to some of the above: These paragraphs moved too slowly for me. The backstory should come later--I want to be grounded in the character and the story first, and learn more about the details of the world as I go along. <br /><br />Also, while I liked the teaser about the hearts at the very start, hearing them talked about in such great length without actually telling me what they were (flesh-and-blood? mechanical? something else?) ended up feeling frustrating. Being a little coy is good, but after a while just turns to being confusing. <br /><br />Very intriguing setting and topic, though! Fascinating idea.Ammi-Joan Paquettenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81204614203853122162014-04-17T09:36:35.479-04:002014-04-17T09:36:35.479-04:00I was really excited to read this one, but unfortu...I was really excited to read this one, but unfortunately these pages don't quite live up to the opening sentences for me. <br /><br />There's too much worldbuilding and backstory just laid out with nothing else happening. Paragraphs 2-4 are all focused on explaining the world and the history. I think it's too soon for any of that. I want to connect with the character and story before i care about the world. I think a lot of this information could be weaved in more sporadically, subtly, and not so immediately when starting the novel.<br /><br />Still, though, the idea of a heartsmith is awesome. That alone would make me pick it upSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10793798210407352842014-04-17T08:55:52.756-04:002014-04-17T08:55:52.756-04:00Uh, I'll have to get back with actual feedback...Uh, I'll have to get back with actual feedback, right now, I'm just wallowing in sorrow that I can't read the ENTIRE BOOK THIS INSTANT.Artemis Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10849091563671031929noreply@blogger.com