tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7391029161256874843..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #21Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74009608634327162732011-09-24T22:21:06.988-04:002011-09-24T22:21:06.988-04:00Thanks everyone! If you're still reading - I ...Thanks everyone! If you're still reading - I was inspired. I appreciate the comments :)<br /><br />Continued... I closed our locker, pretending I didn’t hear her, hoping she would stop. When I turned back around, she took off. More than anything I wanted Kyle to ask me to homecoming.<br /><br /> As I headed to class, there were no flashing lights or neon signs indicating danger when I turned the corner. I was like, whoa, this isn’t happening. Kyle was standing next to a locker. His extended muscular arm was leaning on the metal door. Underneath his bicep was Rachael Fox with her voluptuous lips and tiny features. Rachael looked confident in a way that made me hate her guts. Kyle was probably asking her to homecoming.<br /><br /> Everyone knew that cheerleaders showed up to homecoming with football players. At least I was going to the football game. I would be the first freshman to sing the National Anthem, and I didn’t need a date for that.<br /><br />* * * *<br /><br />The announcements echoed across the stadium when I heard my name, “Taylor Schuman.” I was handed a microphone and escorted to the center of the football field. My nerves were getting the best of me. The whole school was watching my every move, everyone, except for Rachael. Where was she? Great, finally my moment of fame and she was nowhere in sight.Writer #21noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62738416829675930192011-09-24T08:42:45.631-04:002011-09-24T08:42:45.631-04:00I would start somewhere else, or beef up the first...I would start somewhere else, or beef up the first scene. It's way too short as it is. Could you perhaps have the conversation between the girls at the start of the football game instead? Have Kim come running over to the MC as she arrives and they can have the discussion then.<br /><br />Other than that, this is good.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76858237998299267052011-09-22T15:59:34.322-04:002011-09-22T15:59:34.322-04:00The first paragraph of the second scene threw me. ...The first paragraph of the second scene threw me. We're in her street, loading blankets, and suddenly we're in the stands with Kim and the boys. <br /><br />Good voice, though.The Other Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76798966906996967952011-09-22T14:34:40.407-04:002011-09-22T14:34:40.407-04:00There's a lot to like about this--you establis...There's a lot to like about this--you establish a lot about your character in just a few short lines. I agree that the transition between scene one and scene two is way too abrupt.<br /><br />I like the voice.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19030990034613283372011-09-22T13:51:07.341-04:002011-09-22T13:51:07.341-04:00I liked the opening scene, but agree with the othe...I liked the opening scene, but agree with the others that it was too short, especially consdering it's your opening. It doesn't give us a chance to get to know the MC.<br /><br />The last two pargs. after the break seemed almost a different writing style, but perhaps that's because you went from dialogue to narrative.<br /><br />I would have liked a hint at the mystery, or that something was wrong, or not right. Perhaps start a bit closer to that event?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71633892916288876792011-09-22T10:57:22.961-04:002011-09-22T10:57:22.961-04:00I thought the action around the dialogue worked re...I thought the action around the dialogue worked really well--painted a good picture for me of two girls doing their thing. I agree that I think the scene break comes a bit too soon.<br />Nice job.Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71432846384052629502011-09-21T23:12:25.966-04:002011-09-21T23:12:25.966-04:00The action surrounding the dialogue feels stiff. ...The action surrounding the dialogue feels stiff. It is okay to use the word said now and then. The scene break comes too soon. It's like letting a guest sit down to a feast and then moving on to dessert before they can pick the tomotoes off their salad. Stay in one place and explore for a while. Maybe one girl could scratch something on a neighboring locker or pick at some tape - something that would show personality. Other than name and age, I've got nothing on these girls.<br /><br />I too was thrown off by zenith. But with a little work, this could be a fun read.Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43509294057345310862011-09-21T22:43:16.872-04:002011-09-21T22:43:16.872-04:00I love the first several paragraphs of this; they ...I love the first several paragraphs of this; they really ring true. Not sure the narrator would say "the sun was at its zenith." Would she notice the trees? Especially if she's mooning over Kyle? Dunno.Parisian Momologuehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00553200279084475703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32823024875680698582011-09-21T20:56:12.397-04:002011-09-21T20:56:12.397-04:00i think we need to get dropped into a scene with m...i think we need to get dropped into a scene with more action, not just conversation. i'd be interested to get more into the "mystery" of this YA mystery.Heather Day Gilberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12353914883176152555noreply@blogger.com