tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7439663373164799878..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 72 Commercial ParanormalAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58919887864449585222010-03-27T21:44:17.878-04:002010-03-27T21:44:17.878-04:00Not really hooked by this. I can't put my fing...Not really hooked by this. I can't put my finger on why.Selestialhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11513212631394350304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80217565734854337572010-03-26T21:28:28.305-04:002010-03-26T21:28:28.305-04:00Not hooked, sorry.Not hooked, sorry.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19454511183194992002010-03-25T20:34:52.710-04:002010-03-25T20:34:52.710-04:00Not hooked. Names felt cliche, and "as if&quo...Not hooked. Names felt cliche, and "as if" in a trance got me wondering, but not really knowing what was going on--more of a confusing not knowing rather than a suspenseful one. I have no idea why she needs to be alert. rather than have her remember someone who told her to be alert, have it be evidence that the reader can understand first, then maybe reference past teachers.Heather Sach'a Palmerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17945157036114574186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53634359400554664662010-03-25T19:31:59.732-04:002010-03-25T19:31:59.732-04:00I like the names you used. It shows you put some ...I like the names you used. It shows you put some thought into it and didn't just choose something generic and forgettable from the Big Book of Baby Names. I agree with Portia about strengthening the conflict in these first few sentences and giving us a better feel for Arianwen. I'd like to see this again after you've tweaked it a bit.Juli Page Morganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17269486506169141680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37752196270812860762010-03-25T18:58:52.520-04:002010-03-25T18:58:52.520-04:00Ditto what Bluestocking said. Not hooked.Ditto what Bluestocking said. Not hooked.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15131508475699049112010-03-25T14:45:45.823-04:002010-03-25T14:45:45.823-04:00I am with BoA all the way. Names threw me here, pa...I am with BoA all the way. Names threw me here, particularly because the genre isn't fantasy, where I might be expecting them. Unfortunately not hooked.MHhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16748209334943163314noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87679095734977094722010-03-25T14:42:54.937-04:002010-03-25T14:42:54.937-04:00the name threw me off, making the rest a lost caus...the name threw me off, making the rest a lost cause to me.Ash. Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03796125310595262268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71875322807480151302010-03-25T13:58:55.361-04:002010-03-25T13:58:55.361-04:00No. I love fantasy, but I've seen probably 20 ...No. I love fantasy, but I've seen probably 20 versions of the name Arianwen. Also, did you forget a question mark?Amyspitznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43946215621173872232010-03-25T13:48:06.997-04:002010-03-25T13:48:06.997-04:00Not quite hooked yet. I agree telling she's in...Not quite hooked yet. I agree telling she's in a trance is less effective. I'd work on strengthening the conflict in these first few sentences, and then I think you'll be there.Portiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13435815819572442582noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74948402234111243612010-03-25T12:58:25.497-04:002010-03-25T12:58:25.497-04:00Close...SO CLOSE!! But not yet hooked.
I'd s...Close...SO CLOSE!! But not yet hooked. <br /><br />I'd suggest starting with "Stay focused, be alert" n' see how it flows from there! ㋡samsevernhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10913647759811350705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10569527238499138512010-03-25T12:43:50.602-04:002010-03-25T12:43:50.602-04:00Not hooked. Character walking through woods in a &...Not hooked. Character walking through woods in a "focused, alert" trance?Tamihttp://tamimoore.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74311865194980395902010-03-25T11:59:26.411-04:002010-03-25T11:59:26.411-04:00The trance and "focused" seem to be oppo...The trance and "focused" seem to be opposing each other. Sorry, not hooked.Sandra Ulbrich Almazanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15365908651235829765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78369353137784277122010-03-25T11:35:25.762-04:002010-03-25T11:35:25.762-04:00Not hooked.Not hooked.fairchildnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29020658694951710882010-03-25T11:24:57.297-04:002010-03-25T11:24:57.297-04:00When I can't pronounce or dislike The MC's...When I can't pronounce or dislike The MC's name, it can be hard for me to continue... it's a bit stupid on my part, probably, but it is what it is.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14143254968114310142010-03-25T11:17:09.959-04:002010-03-25T11:17:09.959-04:00I would reverse the lines into something like this...I would reverse the lines into something like this:<br /><br /><i>Stay focused, be alert. Isn’t that what Sulien always said?</i> Arianwen thought as she walked through the dense woods. <br /><br />You prob can show her trancelike state instead of explicitly stating it. And do a better job of grounding us in place.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73842032817639109202010-03-25T10:41:33.489-04:002010-03-25T10:41:33.489-04:00Not really hooked. Too disconnected from Arianwen ...Not really hooked. Too disconnected from Arianwen to really hold me.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.com