tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post751363794747735112..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: (29) YA Historical Fantasy: CHILD OF THE STORMAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39364016427032456462014-12-03T08:45:52.738-05:002014-12-03T08:45:52.738-05:00Hint -- in your logline, you say he is 14 (which i...Hint -- in your logline, you say he is 14 (which is a tricky age for protag -- mostly too young for YA). If he's 16, then you should say so in the logline. Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43963449488609016312014-12-02T20:01:49.494-05:002014-12-02T20:01:49.494-05:00Thanks. I know it was said not to reply but this i...Thanks. I know it was said not to reply but this is really, really YA. In the opening, he's 13, but we jump forward and for most of the book, he's 16/17Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13103686330252089850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19311869393435480702014-12-02T09:07:37.077-05:002014-12-02T09:07:37.077-05:00This one caught my eye because the vivid details s...This one caught my eye because the vivid details such as "the skins snapped hard against the support poles" make the scene very real, and this also has wonderful tension right from the beginning.<br /><br />I see just a few things that could be tidied up in this passage. In the fourth paragraph, the phrase "who was he to defy?" isn't quite right -- you have to defy <i>someone</i> or <i>something</i>. So if 'adda' means father or mentor, it would be "who was he to defy him?" Also in that paragraph, "acknowledge him a man already" isn't really grammatically correct -- the shatin would have to acknowledge that Amargi <i>is</i> a man, or acknowledge his 'manhood' or some other word with a similar meaning.<br /><br />So you want to be careful to check for those subtle grammar issues and the correct use of idioms in your manuscript. Also, watch out for places where you might be 'telling' the character's feelings when they're already clear from the context -- I would suggest cutting "Amargi was worried" and just say "But the feeling was real." as I think that has more impact on its own. <br /><br />You have a strong opening here, and I love the setting -- I agree that doing historical fiction set in ancient Sumer is a great idea. :)<br /><br />Good luck!L.C. McGeheehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09841984739098231057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43223909099518449622014-12-01T21:42:57.910-05:002014-12-01T21:42:57.910-05:00Good luck! :)Good luck! :)K.T. Crowleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73785937695836864982014-12-01T21:41:22.399-05:002014-12-01T21:41:22.399-05:00Very cool setting! I love the promise of political...Very cool setting! I love the promise of political intrigue and deception, and the fact that the story is set against an unconventional backdrop makes it all the more interesting. There are some beautiful moments in the prose, too, like the "bruised dawn."<br /><br />I do agree that I'm not sure this is YA. As an editor, I wouldn't know exactly how to position this, due to both the character's younger age and the voice, which doesn't quite feel "teen" to me (especially with Amargi dwelling on "becoming a man"). The plot in the logline does sound like it could skew older, so if you truly see this in that older category, I'd age up the main character a couple years and try to age up the voice too. Maybe it would be helpful to brainstorm what currently published books you'd see this sitting beside on a shelf, as that could help you decide what age category it would fit into.<br /><br />I see a lot of potential in the concept and the writing. Good luck!Hali Baumsteinhttps://twitter.com/halibaumsteinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54377268657422583262014-12-01T19:40:15.940-05:002014-12-01T19:40:15.940-05:00Great writing! I especially liked, "Outside, ...Great writing! I especially liked, "Outside, the darkness had already eased into a bruised dawn." And I like how describe your hero's plight--staying awake sharpening knives, while the women slumber. It's a really good beginning. I definitely would read more.Hausenpfeffernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44258877203733025362014-11-30T01:05:43.120-05:002014-11-30T01:05:43.120-05:00I too feel like there is a possibility that this m...I too feel like there is a possibility that this may be Upper MG--though that is hard to tell with such a short sample. With that said, I thought you had some very strong writing! The one phrase that confused me was "An uneasy feeling had brought him back."--brought him back where?<br /><br />Good luck!Katherinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19397061042308636772014-11-29T15:03:54.510-05:002014-11-29T15:03:54.510-05:00I love the hero, and you've done a great job o...I love the hero, and you've done a great job of getting us inside his head. I can feel his nervousness, and am worried for him already! Awesome! I also like the setting, which you've rendered very well.<br /><br />I was a bit confused about the "if his adda said to stay and watch over the cattle" line - after rereading, I think you are saying that he was somewhere else tending to the cattle, and some feeling of discomfort brought him back to his camp?<br /><br />Best of luck!Mercinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15037310379096427212014-11-29T05:41:30.640-05:002014-11-29T05:41:30.640-05:00Hi there!
First thing, be aware that you're b...Hi there!<br /><br />First thing, be aware that you're bordering on Upper MG/Lower YA, with the age of the protagonist, yes, but also with the writing. To me (and this is of course a personal response) the nature of the writing and degree of exposition reads to me as Upper MG. I can only go off the first page, and of course the concept description suggests it could feel older as it goes, but something to be aware of, since publishers are very conscious of that line.<br /><br />There are some confusing sentence structures (i.e. "At thirteen, and the youngest, if his adda said to stay and watch over the cattle, who was he to defy?") so I'd recommend reading out loud for flow. Once we're accustomed to a voice in a book, we might noticed these things less, but on the first page it's something to be very aware of.<br /><br />There are also some wonderful lines. Things like this--"That old witch was always awake."--are great ways to help give us the voice of the character. <br /><br />~VVictoria Schwabhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15184727462044315624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19610924535446937772014-11-28T21:45:58.975-05:002014-11-28T21:45:58.975-05:00Not a genre I normally read, but the excellent log...Not a genre I normally read, but the excellent logline along with the beautiful prose makes me wish there was more!<br /><br />I love the descriptions: the skins snapping against the poles, the dark easing into a bruised dawn. So lovely!<br /><br />I do wonder who Adda is. Is it a name? Or a title, like grandfather? No matter, I'd definitely read on to find out!<br /><br />Best of luck in the auction - I'd love to read the rest of this someday!Shannon S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24517842976225909512014-11-28T17:56:07.366-05:002014-11-28T17:56:07.366-05:00I agree -- cool idea to chose an ancient civilizat...I agree -- cool idea to chose an ancient civilization like Sumer.<br /><br />A couple of small things. First, "he searched the tent with his eyes" strikes me as an odd phrase, versus just saying something like "he peered around the tent."<br /><br />I'm also wondering just how large this tent is, given who all sleeps in it. Even if you just characterize it as large or big would be enough.<br /><br />And you reference his brothers, so he has more than one, but then you reference his brother's, not brothers', wives and children. Not sure if that's a typo.<br /><br />Other than those little things, it's a strong start that makes me want to read more.<br /><br />Good luck! Leo Valiquettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09438869771307846900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57802229839030978792014-11-28T16:53:38.684-05:002014-11-28T16:53:38.684-05:00I'm very interested in the era that you've...I'm very interested in the era that you've chosen. Sumer! One doesn't see that very often. I think you're first few sentences are especially strong ('the skin snapping against the poles').<br /><br />A few things: Adda is not capitalized three times. Is this intentional or is this a typo?<br /><br />Also, where it says "an uneasy feeling brought him back"...I would add "back to the tent" just because I had to read over that twice.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08812966813480183585noreply@blogger.com