tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post761325025205492678..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent Contest #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41607433413446185052018-03-10T07:51:58.768-05:002018-03-10T07:51:58.768-05:00I liked everything except your first paragraph. R...I liked everything except your first paragraph. Running in an icile-soaked dress at night she would be cold. I didn't get that sense at all. I wanted to feel and experience how freezing she was, the pain, the teeth chattering, something. <br /><br />And line about being reincarnated as a chamber pot...was that supposed to be funny? It seemed like kind of a trivial and silly thing to be thinking while running for your life. Made the threat to her feel not that serious.<br /><br />The rest of piece is good, with good atmosphere!AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34604437391697570902018-03-09T13:30:04.570-05:002018-03-09T13:30:04.570-05:00This is a really cool opening. You create a great ...This is a really cool opening. You create a great urgency and intensity with Ebba running for her life. I wanted her to keep on running, to watch her stay alive and survive this moment. I felt as though the mention of what had been done to her slowed the pace down a bit. It would be one thing to tell us of the pain left behind by the torture as she tries to run or how what was done to her is making it more difficult for her to move, but the description of the pins and iron almost felt like a change in tone for the section. Again, really neat set upSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56689105471358998262018-03-08T22:19:46.464-05:002018-03-08T22:19:46.464-05:00I thought this started out well, but then you went...I thought this started out well, but then you went into flashback. You gave me a girl running for her life in a magic cursed forest with red eyed wolves that might eat her. I was hooked. Then you took me away from that to stick me in a flashback. <br /><br />Perhaps start with the dunking and show us her escape. Then you won't need a flashback, and that opening could work better than the current one because the current one, while exciting, has been done a heck of a lot, and with the dunking, we get to see what's happening instead of being told about it after the fact, and it could show us a bit of the MC's character. <br /><br />General rule of thumb - no flashbacks or backstory in chapter one, and certainly not on page one. All it does is take the reader away from the story when you want to draw them in.<br /> Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88668347236744923702018-03-07T20:55:26.776-05:002018-03-07T20:55:26.776-05:00I liked the details, but IMO, I'm not so sure ...I liked the details, but IMO, I'm not so sure that the flow works in the best manner. Here's some of the things that struck me.<br /><br />o It struck me weird that Ebba's at risk for hypothermia and running for her life, but she's telling herself in her mind she hopes the man hunting her being reincarnated as a chamber pot.<br /> o I didn't feel she was heedless of direction. She intended to go to the mountains, away from the village. I also found it contradictory about how she thought about sneaking back and stealing a knife / food.<br /> o I liked these details surrounding the flashback about why she cant go back to town, but felt it could have been brought up prior to mentioning her fleeing from her village.Michael Adamshttp://michaeladams.clubnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49028544074966804452018-03-07T16:42:34.246-05:002018-03-07T16:42:34.246-05:00I love this! Very descriptive, you show key inform...I love this! Very descriptive, you show key information about the character without telling anything. I love the world you've built here. I would definitely read more. Good luck!Niki Cluffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13043756539662188797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19685509801280863782018-03-07T12:27:21.518-05:002018-03-07T12:27:21.518-05:00This is great! I love the language. It's very ...This is great! I love the language. It's very visceral--the description of liver spots as big as spiders and onion breath stands out in particular. You've very cleverly given us three important things in this excerpt mostly through showing, not telling: who our heroine is (a little snarky, determined), her backstory (a witch whose mother died in the woods, presumably also fleeing the witchfinder), and what the world is like (full of magic and plagued by superstition). I would absolutely read more pages.Sarah Hawleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16001198862180101323noreply@blogger.com