tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7648471457871231423..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Session Two: #2Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21641024670365678532010-10-27T20:07:12.055-04:002010-10-27T20:07:12.055-04:00Good job! I wouldn't change anything except to...Good job! I wouldn't change anything except to add a hyphen in Jeep-loving. And I like "collides" and don't think you need any more detail there.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55983973101339235862010-10-27T17:46:24.384-04:002010-10-27T17:46:24.384-04:00Nice! And I agree with leaving both jeep-loving an...Nice! And I agree with leaving both jeep-loving and off-roading in, 'cause I know way too many Jeepers and they're a breed of their own. Some Jeepers don't off-road and not all off-roaders drive Jeeps. I'm happy and hooked with this one as is.<br /><br />I want a Jeep!DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30508509666751536642010-10-27T16:44:24.806-04:002010-10-27T16:44:24.806-04:00I really like this one. It's clean, precise an...I really like this one. It's clean, precise and to the point. I would definitely be interested in reading more.<br /><br />I wouldn't cut "Jeep loving girl" or "off-roading" as it gives a sense of character.Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04803751424984029342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24615229085852364852010-10-27T15:25:18.789-04:002010-10-27T15:25:18.789-04:00I have some questions:
What kind of cartel? A dru...I have some questions:<br /><br />What kind of cartel? A drug cartel? Some other kind?<br /><br />Why does her sister have to be set free? If she needs treatment, why save her?<br /><br />What does driving a Jeep have to do with saving her sister? <br /><br />What kind of magic?<br /><br />Why does she have to risk her sanity? Is sanity that easily lost? Is her sister sane? If yes, then why is she in a mental hospital? Maybe clarify she was signed into a mental hospital by her father (mother, grandmother?)so they would get the family money (home, business, something else?).Norwegian Mythsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19264981315856460582010-10-27T14:10:30.415-04:002010-10-27T14:10:30.415-04:00Great job on this one, but I'd be a little mor...Great job on this one, but I'd be a little more specific about "collides". You've done a lot of set up about the jeep, so it sounds like she got into a car accident with them. Or maybe they have. ;)<br /><br />As for jeep-loving and off-roading. They aren't exactly the same thing. Off-roading could be with motorcyles, so I think both are fine if you want them to include them.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9691076849112325332010-10-27T13:03:18.426-04:002010-10-27T13:03:18.426-04:00I really like this one. There's a clear goal,...I really like this one. There's a clear goal, motivation, and conflict. I think you could push this even further by getting rid of either "Jeep-loving" or "hooked on off-roading," since they say the same thing. Also, the one thing that is missing is why her sister needs rescuing from a mountaintop mental hospital. If her sister checked in voluntarily, the rescue doesn't seem real. But if she was forced there...I'm guessing that would play into the cartel and deepen the plot. I'd really put that in there, because "rescue from a mental hospital" isn't something that's typically done. As a reader, I want to know why, so I know there isn't a plot hole there. Also, by telling us that "why," you set up the run-in with the magic cartel better. Suddenly, it becomes less coincidental (she just *poof* collides with them) and more purposeful (they are involved in the mental hospital or something). If you explain the mental hospital rescue in your logline, I think you'll really nail it.K. Coopernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17024390549404077752010-10-27T12:56:05.608-04:002010-10-27T12:56:05.608-04:00Great logline.Great logline.SShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06353618442192072790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8522675028151468952010-10-27T12:20:44.663-04:002010-10-27T12:20:44.663-04:00Agree that you don't need both "Jeep-lovi...Agree that you don't need both "Jeep-loving" and "hooked on off-roading". The only thing I would do would be to choose more specific wording about the conflict. "Collides" is kind of vague. Do they try to kill her? Turn her into a donkey? I guess what I'm saying is that it is not completely evident how/why/if this cartel is going to stop her.Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54784208310463607812010-10-27T11:56:37.237-04:002010-10-27T11:56:37.237-04:00Hooked. Great job!Hooked. Great job!Melhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17392103599360100274noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67573379241327315452010-10-27T11:17:59.802-04:002010-10-27T11:17:59.802-04:00Wanted to add that I love the title. Good luck!Wanted to add that I love the title. Good luck!ShannonWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54705666099412733612010-10-27T11:04:20.729-04:002010-10-27T11:04:20.729-04:00I hate jumping on the bandwagon, but this one is g...I hate jumping on the bandwagon, but this one is great. Nicely done.Walter Thurmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10350577888564176555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74203130779998111542010-10-27T10:17:09.728-04:002010-10-27T10:17:09.728-04:00This one was easy. It's great as is. Says it...This one was easy. It's great as is. Says it all clearly and succinctly and sounds as thrilling as you say it is!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76949581716602940652010-10-27T10:13:11.110-04:002010-10-27T10:13:11.110-04:00Rock-solid! If you need it shorter for anything, y...Rock-solid! If you need it shorter for anything, you could cut the 'Jeep-loving', since the 'hooked on off-roading' gives her a pretty strong character hook on its own.<br /> - LianneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67030378198276033122010-10-27T10:08:29.350-04:002010-10-27T10:08:29.350-04:00Nice logline. Maybe hyphenate Jeep-loving. I love ...Nice logline. Maybe hyphenate Jeep-loving. I love how she must risk her own sanity to save her sister. Nice stakes!Vicki Schultznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74828240808100520872010-10-27T09:54:39.550-04:002010-10-27T09:54:39.550-04:00Awesome. To the point, interesting protag (off-roa...Awesome. To the point, interesting protag (off-roading chick - I love it!) and conflict. Good job.Sheila JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15371582292020275894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18318900078386671542010-10-27T09:22:50.944-04:002010-10-27T09:22:50.944-04:00Hooked! Oh fun, I like where this is headed.Hooked! Oh fun, I like where this is headed.Tamihttp://tamimoore.comnoreply@blogger.com