tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7709028740309637101..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Three #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90321479739029746622013-10-23T17:56:57.241-04:002013-10-23T17:56:57.241-04:00I would like to have more description of Kyle and ...I would like to have more description of Kyle and Simber. Also, what makes them tick. Plot summary was good.Colleennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9606962878575100792013-10-23T11:22:02.981-04:002013-10-23T11:22:02.981-04:00This first line makes it point but it needs to be ...This first line makes it point but it needs to be trimmed so we have only the necessary information. As written, we have a psychic and witch and monsters and a vampire but what seems to matter is that she is a witch who used her psychic powers to catch a vampire who now wants revenge.<br /><br />Next, tell us why this will actually be hard and don't use vague decisions. If you want to show a stake that is in balance with her own life, it needs to be big and it needs to be specific.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75675447869205809652013-10-22T20:25:12.779-04:002013-10-22T20:25:12.779-04:00The first sentence is great all on its own. Person...The first sentence is great all on its own. Personally, I think NOPD stands fine as is, since PD for Police Department is decently clear, but I seem to be outvoted.Eikanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77333834901383608932013-10-22T17:00:26.380-04:002013-10-22T17:00:26.380-04:00I agree with Isjohnson, you don't need the sec...I agree with Isjohnson, you don't need the second sentence at all. I'd cut it. And you might want to spell out NOPD. Just to eliminate the question.Writefully Sohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16761211073195336714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43248795850327258202013-10-22T15:14:04.124-04:002013-10-22T15:14:04.124-04:00I'm not sure you need the second line at all--...I'm not sure you need the second line at all--? Not sure how wedded I am to that idea either, but there's quite a bit going on in the first line already.lsjohnsonhttp://traversingz.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62853905592976037042013-10-22T14:37:10.350-04:002013-10-22T14:37:10.350-04:00I can't but think Anita Blake when I read this...I can't but think Anita Blake when I read this. For me, this logline isn't different enough from many of those books to stand out.krashnburnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22274238333851394052013-10-22T14:35:51.330-04:002013-10-22T14:35:51.330-04:00Yes!
Just a few things:
A practicing psychic and ...Yes!<br /><br />Just a few things:<br />A practicing psychic and <br />what gifts does she have that they want her to use? name them.<br /><br />What is the NOPD?<br /><br />Love "monster-related crime"<br /><br />last sentence needs specificity: how far (is this a distance?) If not, what obstacles must she overcome?<br />YA writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27441270230600880622013-10-22T11:43:56.677-04:002013-10-22T11:43:56.677-04:00You have me until the very last, 'how far she&...You have me until the very last, 'how far she's willing to go in order to survive.' This makes it sound like she might not want to survive? Maybe something like 'Grace struggles to make dangerous decisions that can mean life or death.<br />Nice job.SMKraftynoreply@blogger.com