tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7735450453282910280..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #12Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20275879120806733182010-09-26T14:36:43.132-04:002010-09-26T14:36:43.132-04:00I like the opening line and I love the humor. But...I like the opening line and I love the humor. But be careful not to let the humor overshadow the tension. despite how funny this scene can be, it should also be tense - he's being kidnapped!<br /><br />We need to get more of just self-deprecating thoughts. We need his thoughts and feelings, including a little fear and unease.<br /><br />I would keep reading.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21159104548346255362010-09-25T14:56:39.125-04:002010-09-25T14:56:39.125-04:00I love the voice. You get a really good sense of c...I love the voice. You get a really good sense of character. The fact that he's as worried about his dressing gown as his predicament is enough to make me read on.<br />And I loved the title.Divawritesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4553290891174957432010-09-25T14:21:15.870-04:002010-09-25T14:21:15.870-04:00I like the tone and the humor, but it also tends t...I like the tone and the humor, but it also tends to distance us from what it happening to your MC. More immediate reactions and a bit of struggling would make him a stronger, more sympathetic character to draw us in--more sense of him actually being in danger.<br /><br />I also think you should start a minute or two earlier in the action. If we saw him getting ready for bed (or whatever he's doing), we could get a much better feel for place and time (not to mention the embarrassing gown). That would make the kidnapping feel much more vivid.MsJudynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69273660209565575792010-09-24T20:11:04.211-04:002010-09-24T20:11:04.211-04:00I really enjoyed this. I loved the voice and the ...I really enjoyed this. I loved the voice and the humor with the unicorns on the dressing gown. My only real crit here would be to pare down the second paragraph a bit, as the description of what his grandmother would have said took me out of the action a bit. But despite that, I'd keep reading.Hhooknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6529290054420815202010-09-23T13:45:51.759-04:002010-09-23T13:45:51.759-04:00The action started off right away, I liked that. I...The action started off right away, I liked that. I don't think my first thought would be about the smell of the bag though. I want to know why he was taken & by who, so yes, I would read on. Hooked Good Luck ;-)RubyRed0noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19737987557675781332010-09-23T13:24:55.013-04:002010-09-23T13:24:55.013-04:00This was a fun read but there are too many things ...This was a fun read but there are too many things that seem 'off' to me. The POV seemed to change back and forth from narrator to Archie, and Archie never reacts to anything, he just stands around and lets whatever is happening happen.<br /><br />How does he know about kidnapping methods from earlier times? And in medieval times, did they call the dark and stone ages the dark and stone ages? <br /><br />The ground was galloping away- was a nice line, but Archie's head is in a bag, so he wouldn't see it, which makes it a moot point. Same with the dressing gown. How does he know which one he's wearing if his head is in a bag and all he can see is black?<br /><br />It really is a fun piece, but it still has to make sense. Perhaps another revision or two?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13475869102358777072010-09-23T07:14:51.503-04:002010-09-23T07:14:51.503-04:00Liked the humor. But I didn't realize it was a...Liked the humor. But I didn't realize it was an actual kidnapping. The boy sounded more concerned about his clothes, unless he's used to getting kidnapped?Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71163002079686947302010-09-23T00:26:33.521-04:002010-09-23T00:26:33.521-04:00I love the sense of humor in this one, and there w...I love the sense of humor in this one, and there were some nice turns of phrases. Unfortunately, those made the weaker ones stand out more. <br /><br />The first sentence didn't grab. I like the next one better. Next, I was wondering why he didn't struggle or anything. Was he just standing there, letting them kidnap him? He seems to know a lot about kidnapping for a MG character; makes me wonder if he's kidnapped often.<br /><br />The "Did he mention" part... I'm not a fan of talking to the reader. Maybe something like "Worse, he was wearing his dressing gown..." <br /><br />Overall, he doesn't seem very worried about being kidnapped. Makes me wonder what's going on.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30108435106498041202010-09-23T00:06:47.574-04:002010-09-23T00:06:47.574-04:00This isn't perfect but the voice is hilarious ...This isn't perfect but the voice is hilarious and it's entertaining. I'd definitely read on.Ashley Girardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13594552975218426095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15821964948962271392010-09-22T22:52:19.483-04:002010-09-22T22:52:19.483-04:00This is really funny. I'd keep reading. Love t...This is really funny. I'd keep reading. Love the "ground was galloping away" and the unicorns.<br /><br />I'm not sure about the sentences: "That wasn't all.<br />Did he mention he was wearing a dressing gown?" They didn't seem to flow with the rest. Maybe you could say something like: His third thought was... to lead into the dressing gown part.<br /><br />You don't need the -- between "And--small"; starting the sentence with 'And' has created enough of a pause.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17066257364936537962010-09-22T22:36:30.777-04:002010-09-22T22:36:30.777-04:00I enjoyed this start although perhaps I read too m...I enjoyed this start although perhaps I read too much into it - from the line about kidnapping tricks not changing, I was expecting an immortal or a reincarnation. The reference to the dressing gown seemed a little out of place. Archie worrying about his dressing gown is a nice touch but it seems like something is missing just before this.KylieQnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83293726002666989602010-09-22T21:22:49.075-04:002010-09-22T21:22:49.075-04:00I liked some of this. There was some voice and goo...I liked some of this. There was some voice and good bit of humor. <br /><br />I would reconsider the<br />Kidnapping tricks hadn't changed much from the Stone, Dark, or Middle Ages, but they'd definitely improved the potion, because it lets us know right away he's kidnapped and makes the entire hands bound and head in a sack line rather redundant, when I think that line is actually a much strong line than the kidnapping line.<br /><br />Also I'd consider revising Did he mention...? Just state it or it jars me out of the story.<br /><br />I didn't care for how the sentence<br />And--small conflower blue unicorns. The -- didn't seem to be placed properly to me.<br /><br />These embarassing jammies remind me of the joke about getting into an accident and your mother asks if you had on clean underwear. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I'm not quite hooked.angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69330603878359399272010-09-22T16:40:36.789-04:002010-09-22T16:40:36.789-04:00Generally I'm not a fantasy reader, but this w...Generally I'm not a fantasy reader, but this was funny and reeled me in. <br /><br />Love the line, "...the ground was galloping away under him."<br /><br />I like the idea of Archie being embarrassed by his gown, but honestly, would he REALLY wear one with unicorns on it, even at home? Maybe the gown is embarassing in some other way.<br /><br />I'd definitely read on.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00953304463413984709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15477527661259352572010-09-22T16:29:27.847-04:002010-09-22T16:29:27.847-04:00A couple of cliches here: It was all over and ever...A couple of cliches here: It was all over and everything went black.<br /><br />Maybe show us more of what's happening rather than telling us.<br /><br />I think your story starts with the last paragraph. That's where you hooked me.YA Writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55628283882950821332010-09-22T14:58:36.251-04:002010-09-22T14:58:36.251-04:00I liked the tone of this. My major comment was tha...I liked the tone of this. My major comment was that there were a few anacronysms. The main one was "cornflower blue." I don't think this would be a term used in this era. <br /><br />Also, this whole thing reads 1st person in disguise ("did he mention").<br /><br />Otherwise, I liked it, and would probobly read more. :)<br /><br />-KyleAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28794042146147117622010-09-22T14:57:58.541-04:002010-09-22T14:57:58.541-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.com