tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7894649157733649497..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: #106 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28718681472363918052008-07-20T23:41:00.000-04:002008-07-20T23:41:00.000-04:00Yup. Loved the narrative voice and plenty of grea...Yup. Loved the narrative voice and plenty of great hooks in here. I'd totally read on.Ardythhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15379643762791779892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11361040961074431272008-07-20T21:17:00.000-04:002008-07-20T21:17:00.000-04:00Oooh, very cool. The little picky things everyone ...Oooh, very cool. The little picky things everyone else mentioned need work, but the overall sensation from me is still "oooh, cool!" (grin)<BR/>-AMY-Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64861539603181503622008-07-20T13:35:00.000-04:002008-07-20T13:35:00.000-04:00Yes, hooked. Great voice and immediately engaging ...Yes, hooked. Great voice and immediately engaging setup--why didn't they get hit? I'd absolutely want to see more. I'd almost like to see a snarky comment about the "lanai" bit which might establish place--I'm assuming this is not Hawaii which makes their insistence on "lanai" funnier/more obnoxious.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32950893053748445722008-07-20T02:16:00.000-04:002008-07-20T02:16:00.000-04:00The second para feels a bit jerky, and doesn't rea...The second para feels a bit jerky, and doesn't really flow from or into the preceding/following paras, but with a bit of polishing this would be a yes :)Amy Laurenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16782528327499574711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70334821361326744332008-07-20T01:35:00.000-04:002008-07-20T01:35:00.000-04:00Yes! I love the voice and humor and the siltation ...Yes! I love the voice and humor and the siltation (arson) immediately grabs me. Very nice job--I would read on.<BR/><BR/>Good luck,<BR/><BR/>~MercMerchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55924882562881041732008-07-19T06:04:00.000-04:002008-07-19T06:04:00.000-04:00I'd read more. This is the first piece here that I...I'd read more. This is the first piece here that I've read that got me to laugh out loud. Needs some adjustments/polishing (I'll leave the advice to other critters), but I like :)Beth Overmyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04820441246149409581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17393583724093558142008-07-19T04:41:00.000-04:002008-07-19T04:41:00.000-04:00Slightly hooked.I liked the voice, and the bit abo...Slightly hooked.<BR/><BR/>I liked the voice, and the bit about the neighbors and karmic retribution....after I figured out the neighbors were nasty. But it was a little stifled because arson isn't exactly funny when it happens to a whole block (I don't know that everyone on the block is as mean as the Kinneys). Yet it's stated like it was an adventerous thing that happened one summer. I didn't understand why the MC was crying, either.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31748431479056491432008-07-18T18:56:00.000-04:002008-07-18T18:56:00.000-04:00Yes, I'd read a little more. I like the voice so f...Yes, I'd read a little more. I like the voice so far, and the touches of humor work well. The fourth paragraph rambles for me and seems beside the point. I'd prefer to know more about the plot before committing to reading much further.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18606304690088179152008-07-18T17:15:00.000-04:002008-07-18T17:15:00.000-04:00Yes, I am hooked. Great job!Yes, I am hooked. Great job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13176722356381482112008-07-18T16:51:00.000-04:002008-07-18T16:51:00.000-04:00Yep. The first line definitely hooked me. I liked ...Yep. The first line definitely hooked me. I liked the character's voice and how she's definitely flawed. Seems like something I'd enjoy reading. :D I was a bit confused by the part about her crying -- it didn't quite seem to fit. I wanted to know why she was depressed right away, instead of being left to wonder about it. Nonetheless, I like it. :)Jenitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03556732969358671557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53762264586017165862008-07-18T11:05:00.000-04:002008-07-18T11:05:00.000-04:00I definitely liked it and would read more. Just m...I definitely liked it and would read more. Just maybe tweak the line about the twins-- it's a very long and awkwardly-phrased line. But other than that, I liked the MC's voice and her opinions on the neighbors. Maybe just draw in more of the five senses and really make us smell the smoke and burnt plastic right along with the MC.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84547597289703789302008-07-18T09:14:00.000-04:002008-07-18T09:14:00.000-04:00Yes. Love the snark factor here. The voice is stro...Yes. Love the snark factor here. The voice is strong, and you did a great job of presenting a quick snapshot of the neighborhood and the characters. The last line is dynamite. I was confused a bit about the crying; I'd like to see some hint at the reason for the tears. Otherwise, great stuff! :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85205356305242876452008-07-18T03:01:00.000-04:002008-07-18T03:01:00.000-04:00Yeah, great stuff.You opened well, and followed th...Yeah, great stuff.<BR/><BR/>You opened well, and followed this up with a succinct picture of not only the Kinneys, but the neighbourhood and POV characters.<BR/><BR/>Excellent job. Best entry I've read so far.<BR/><BR/>Good work. Good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37856299086772736072008-07-17T22:47:00.000-04:002008-07-17T22:47:00.000-04:00I like this, but the twin comment seems out of pla...I like this, but the twin comment seems out of place. I also am a bit confused about a fire in a luau pit. Are they suppose to contain fires? How did the fire spead to the house to break out all the windows? <BR/><BR/>I would continue reading this.<BR/><BR/><BR/>jerzegurlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32107815240245915742008-07-17T22:25:00.000-04:002008-07-17T22:25:00.000-04:00I really like this, so would read on, but don't fi...I really like this, so would read on, but don't find much novelty in twins. As was mentioned above, it would need to get a bit more cohesive pretty quickly to keep me reading after this page. The lipstick line was brilliant.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53216139771127952432008-07-17T21:10:00.000-04:002008-07-17T21:10:00.000-04:00I like the voice and the humor, but I was confused...I like the voice and the humor, but I was confused with the crying. It would be nice to get just one little clue about why she was depressed and why she's crying now. Does her depression relate at all to the fire? Does it make her think of what happened earlier?<BR/><BR/>I liked the part about the twins. I thought it was funny. And I like the line about the best friend believing in karmic retribution. It tells a little bit about the friend.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38333614316010104332008-07-17T20:56:00.000-04:002008-07-17T20:56:00.000-04:00I really enjoyed this and would read on for sure! ...I really enjoyed this and would read on for sure! The only thing that threw me a bit was the mc stating that this happened last summer, then her talking about her depression as though it were a current thing.Meradeth Houstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06741790047121063893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40672325812319490432008-07-17T19:56:00.000-04:002008-07-17T19:56:00.000-04:00Bravo! Great voice & characterization. I don&#...Bravo! Great voice & characterization. I don't have a clue beyond "arsonist" what the plot might be, but I like your "voice" enough to keep reading. I was confused by the crying.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62856324551300237592008-07-17T19:35:00.000-04:002008-07-17T19:35:00.000-04:00Good voice. We already know a lot about the narrat...Good voice. We already know a lot about the narrator, neighbors and two nasty twins. My favorite line is the last about taking time for lipstick.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16610248061191538332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37089944214520308002008-07-17T15:20:00.000-04:002008-07-17T15:20:00.000-04:00I like this but I got confused by her crying and t...I like this but I got confused by her crying and the reference to all the other fires. But the stuff about the Kinneys is all great.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04621339612834832188noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29471096492624650862008-07-17T13:39:00.000-04:002008-07-17T13:39:00.000-04:00Yes. I really like this. Did you enter the first...Yes. I really like this. Did you enter the first sentence contest on Nathan Bransford's blog a while back? For some reason, I feel like I've read the first line before (but I love it, it's a great line!)<BR/><BR/>Emily HAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64073992400949866082008-07-17T13:35:00.000-04:002008-07-17T13:35:00.000-04:00I loved the first paragraph. I didn't want to stop...I loved the first paragraph. I didn't want to stop reading. However, by paragraph two, I was itching to get into the present, find out why this affects the MC now.<BR/><BR/>I found the use of "cause" rather then "because" to start a sentence a bit clunky. Great voice though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33272750986273518732008-07-17T13:33:00.000-04:002008-07-17T13:33:00.000-04:00Huh? What? I like that the opening feels like some...Huh? What? I like that the opening feels like someone recounting a story in a casual conversation, but some of the sentences are too awkward against each other. And there's this feeling that the writer is trying to be too clever sometimes. I'd read on, but if doesn't cohere a lot more in the next page, I'd put it down.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62059274269244317382008-07-17T13:25:00.000-04:002008-07-17T13:25:00.000-04:00I think this is a great, interesting way to kick o...I think this is a great, interesting way to kick off the story and get a feel for the neighborhood atmosphere and characters!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77898937270532309562008-07-17T13:17:00.000-04:002008-07-17T13:17:00.000-04:00I'm sorry... no.Even though this is well written, ...I'm sorry... no.<BR/><BR/>Even though this is well written, I didn't get a feel for the narrator. Who is she/he? Just a nosy poke or...?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com