tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7907667785613257127..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? Middle Grade #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59876245222482819352016-04-29T12:15:52.326-04:002016-04-29T12:15:52.326-04:00Regarding your logline, the premise is fascinating...Regarding your logline, the premise is fascinating, but I was confused about identities. Is the “middle school nemesis” also the girl he must save? Or are those two separate people? (After reading your 250, I believe I know the answer, but for the sake of your hook’s clarity I thought it worth mentioning.)<br /><br />You might want to consider changing Mr. and Mrs. McGregor’s last name. As soon as I read that I was in Beatrix Potter mode.<br /><br />I love your premise! I’m a sucker for eccentric elderly characters, so any story that includes them makes me smile. <br /><br />I wonder if it would work better to start off showing Alicia selling the tickets at the retirement community so we can see her in action for ourselves. That way you would rope the reader into identifying with her and then we’d live through the same feeling of betrayal when we get into Ellis’s head. Just a thought.<br /><br />As far as voice goes, I think you did an excellent job. This feels right for upper MG. And I like the tension of a boy being bested by a girl. The battle of the sexes always makes for a fun read. Well done!<br />KL Besternoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33903858987608984832016-04-29T08:40:15.304-04:002016-04-29T08:40:15.304-04:00Agreed on voice. Feels authentic to me. The comple...Agreed on voice. Feels authentic to me. The complete annoyance with this girl is believable too. I like the churning in your gut that we can all relate to. There were a couple lines commenters have noted above that threw me. I didn't think you needed the older folks referring to her as sweet twice. We get it.<br /><br />Maybe we get to know what he could WIN from the contest comes soon, but I'd like it right up front. That way we know what's at stake. Give these first few paragraphs more punch for us to worry about for the MC. <br /><br />Nice work.<br />Mark Holtzenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17951708881333152501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32178149386871060302016-04-28T23:12:49.902-04:002016-04-28T23:12:49.902-04:00I think you really have the voice there. Sounds li...I think you really have the voice there. Sounds like my kids. Especially the "What a fake." I agree with Cathleen's comments but if he is into football I would keep the first sentence cause I liked it. <br /><br />I did feel a little taken out of the scene (seemed to lose its flow) when you stopped the dialogue and started stating everything. Maybe he can be thinking "Alicia Swanson. She's been a thorn in my side since the first second I laid eyes on her (except put it in 3rd person and maybe find something other than thorn in my side because that is cliche too). <br /><br />I like your style of writing.Michele Helselhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04414485839984643779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33656176973995822412016-04-28T23:12:15.195-04:002016-04-28T23:12:15.195-04:00I think you really have the voice there. Sounds li...I think you really have the voice there. Sounds like my kids. Especially the "What a fake." I agree with Cathleen's comments but if he is into football I would keep the first sentence cause I liked it. <br /><br />I did feel a little taken out of the scene (seemed to lose its flow) when you stopped the dialogue and started stating everything. Maybe he can be thinking "Alicia Swanson. She's been a thorn in my side since the first second I laid eyes on her (except put it in 3rd person and maybe find something other than thorn in my side because that is cliche too). <br /><br />I like your style of writing.Michele Helselhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04414485839984643779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61374896859188942692016-04-28T13:02:29.358-04:002016-04-28T13:02:29.358-04:00Your logline pulled me in! I like the voice in the...Your logline pulled me in! I like the voice in the first scene, and it feels believable for an older middle schooler. The first two sentence feel a little cliched, particularly if Ellis is a drama kid rather than a football kid. A couple other little suggestions: change "perched beside him" to "perched beside her husband." We're new to these characters and there are three of them, so it just makes the scene a little clearer. I would also suggest "what a sweet young lady" rather than "seems like a sweet young lady," as Mr. McGregor seems to be completely taken in by Alicia.Cathleen Barnharthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04399420775918622372noreply@blogger.com