tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8008462650540720553..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #35Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11721191130524621412013-06-28T15:02:37.485-04:002013-06-28T15:02:37.485-04:00Yes. Creepy and cool all at the same time. Is this...Yes. Creepy and cool all at the same time. Is this a female serial killer? And what does it say about me that I want it to be about that??? LOL. Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82970796515172448722013-06-28T10:43:04.180-04:002013-06-28T10:43:04.180-04:00No.
Macbeth in the 21st century?
I think it'...No. <br />Macbeth in the 21st century? <br />I think it's in the "close but no cigar" category. You are definitely moving in the right direction but not quite there yet. <br />As it stands, for me, it's bordering on boring because there are so many benign causes of blood under the fingernails and no indication that it is more than beef blood from dinner prep. If I could feel perhaps panic or fear in the narrator's voice? Some sense of impending danger or threat averted? Let me <i>feel</i> what the speaker is feeling when I read the line and maybe I can care about why he or she has blood under fingernails.Reesehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00330348718504682666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19694920019030778172013-06-28T04:33:01.543-04:002013-06-28T04:33:01.543-04:00Yes. 'Rind' seems like an odd word choice,...Yes. 'Rind' seems like an odd word choice, but I'm definitely curious about the blood.Ailsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824021953575422303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79385396817437157692013-06-28T01:34:21.559-04:002013-06-28T01:34:21.559-04:00Yes--you have a character in a situation, doing so...Yes--you have a character in a situation, doing something that leads the reader to ask questions. I do think it could be better though. Perhaps change the telling to showing.<br /><br />I worked the hard-bristled brush over my fingers, but no matter hard I scrubbed, the dark rims of blood under my fingernails would not come off.<br /><br />That could be better, too. Perhaps play with a bit.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17377556149099882862013-06-27T22:51:30.502-04:002013-06-27T22:51:30.502-04:00Yes. If you change the word rind. Yes. If you change the word rind. Tony Acreehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10645967310766453710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50268130692247757022013-06-27T22:42:01.004-04:002013-06-27T22:42:01.004-04:00I'm on the fence. In some ways, I feel like we...I'm on the fence. In some ways, I feel like we're leading into a scene that's been done a thousand ways to Sunday. On the other hand, I want to know where the blood came from...Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43895296405615088852013-06-27T22:01:14.347-04:002013-06-27T22:01:14.347-04:00No. Rind didn't work for me. Also, personally,...No. Rind didn't work for me. Also, personally, blood in the first line isn't going to make me want to read on.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29792900063696862212013-06-27T18:50:46.874-04:002013-06-27T18:50:46.874-04:00No. I agree with the suggestions to flip the sente...No. I agree with the suggestions to flip the sentence and replace the word "rind."amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17293516514386511882013-06-27T18:49:06.228-04:002013-06-27T18:49:06.228-04:00No. A "rind" makes me think of a chunk o...No. A "rind" makes me think of a chunk of dried blood, which would dislodge farely easily. A stain of blood would be harder. That one word took me out of it completely. Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordrpess.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82570019937558985612013-06-27T17:59:05.281-04:002013-06-27T17:59:05.281-04:00I'm on the fence. Yes, I'm intrigued. No, ...I'm on the fence. Yes, I'm intrigued. No, I think you can deepen the hook.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46236425449371738622013-06-27T17:35:22.119-04:002013-06-27T17:35:22.119-04:00Yes. The set up doesn't feel unique, but I lik... Yes. The set up doesn't feel unique, but I like the language in this line. And the tension it creates makes me want to read on.Ashley Walkernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12340449724055182552013-06-27T17:27:45.116-04:002013-06-27T17:27:45.116-04:00Good start. You want the reader to ask a few quest...Good start. You want the reader to ask a few questions so they keep reading. This one does.Kathryn J. Bainhttp://www.kathrynjbain.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40298985290246154572013-06-27T17:10:27.958-04:002013-06-27T17:10:27.958-04:00No--but only because I think this can be said in a...No--but only because I think this can be said in a more interesting way. It's not the information that isn't engaging, it's the way it's told. Maybe flip-flopping this, starting with "no matter how hard I scrubbed..." I would play with this a bit to see what works best.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58589780655517565152013-06-27T16:38:30.101-04:002013-06-27T16:38:30.101-04:00Yes. I want to know where the blood came from and ...Yes. I want to know where the blood came from and why s/he can't let anyone see it. Simple as that!Brigid Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10890712173849209546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16410099728720735802013-06-27T16:34:27.718-04:002013-06-27T16:34:27.718-04:00Yes
Although I wouldn't refer to blood underne...Yes<br />Although I wouldn't refer to blood underneath the fingers as 'dark rind' it kind of threw me...Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76894331585193183702013-06-27T16:26:27.952-04:002013-06-27T16:26:27.952-04:00I got hung up on "rind". I say this a lo...I got hung up on "rind". I say this a lot, but in sci-fi or fantasy, I'm open to just about anything, so when you say a rind of blood, I'm wondering if this is some world-buildy reference to a fruit or a cheese or something. Once I realize it's just blood under a fingernail, it feels anticlimactic. Leah Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668989627100455974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26878048820479088942013-06-27T16:18:26.047-04:002013-06-27T16:18:26.047-04:00YES. I liked it. I would have to be in the mood ...YES. I liked it. I would have to be in the mood for one of those snarky, modern adventures because that's what it sounds like to me, but (given the right mood) I would keep reading. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25081802043808147542013-06-27T16:14:35.165-04:002013-06-27T16:14:35.165-04:00Yes. Not only because it presents immediate confli...Yes. Not only because it presents immediate conflict, but also because I've never thought of a sliver of blood/dirt under someone's fingernails as a rind (yet it works perfectly.)Chrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07768990128419496674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26984324931171176772013-06-27T16:08:29.780-04:002013-06-27T16:08:29.780-04:00Yes. A clear image. I wanted to know whose blood i...Yes. A clear image. I wanted to know whose blood it was, and why it was there. MollyBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35152913389054830752013-06-27T16:04:49.771-04:002013-06-27T16:04:49.771-04:00No, mainly because it made me go eeeeewwwwww (some...No, mainly because it made me go <i>eeeeewwwwww</i> (something about the phrase "dark rind of blood" just turned my stomach). Also, I think it would help to start with "No matter how hard I scrubbed, the dark rind…"KOhttp://owlandsparrow.wordpress.com/current-projects/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81932425394465388352013-06-27T15:20:58.098-04:002013-06-27T15:20:58.098-04:00No. The imagery was a little too much for me.No. The imagery was a little too much for me.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67052452172424665342013-06-27T15:14:50.120-04:002013-06-27T15:14:50.120-04:00Yes. Love the image it creates in my mind--and th...Yes. Love the image it creates in my mind--and the MacBeth reference.zellarellinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87073565753074350282013-06-27T13:39:58.692-04:002013-06-27T13:39:58.692-04:00Yes. I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi and this int...Yes. I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi and this intrigued me. Although, it may also be because my mind jumped to something paranormal (which I am a fan of).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11484525978653232502013-06-27T13:32:46.275-04:002013-06-27T13:32:46.275-04:00Yes
But i went back and forth on this. I don'...Yes<br /><br />But i went back and forth on this. I don't really like "rind" as a description for blood, because rinds are firm like leather, and dried blood is flaky so the metaphor didn't work for me, which almost pulled me outSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52957133610627149912013-06-27T13:05:38.743-04:002013-06-27T13:05:38.743-04:00Yes. I liked the imagery, and I think I got what y...Yes. I liked the imagery, and I think I got what you meant by "rind" - like what you'd find on one slice of an orange. I'd read on.K Callardnoreply@blogger.com