tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8052463325776318370..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 176 MG FantasyAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56558952883702768952010-04-01T23:12:46.093-04:002010-04-01T23:12:46.093-04:00Now I know who wrote this, I must say that you hav...Now I know who wrote this, I must say that you have sinned according to somebody who didn't like exclamation marks. Phooey I say to them. I think of Clark Gable at the end of the movie saying "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." You can say this a dozen different ways and they can even have different meanings when you do. The drama of the opening dialogue is just that. <br />Of course you could say "Devin was on fire". Okay, it works but boy it's slower than a dialogue which is much more immediate and intimate and dramatic. No explanation needed. <br />I also cannot for the life of me say never start a novel with a dialogue. Again. Why the hell not?!! <br />The second sentence only needs you to take out 'that'. That's are very unnecessary clumsy words. I'm editing a section of my WIP which was a first draft and if that's were fish on a fishing trip, I'd be eating fish cakes, fish on toast, rehashed fish and re rehashed fish for weeks. A friend who is my partner critiquer, and a Prof of English admonished me for starting sentences with 'There'. That's another no no. And when I challenge me to reword, I end up with more solid sentence construction.<br />But honestly, no smoozing, and I'm not related, and I'm not your mother (or not to be sexist, your father) but I am hooked. <br />The kid in me recognises the voice. Nothing forced and 25 words is like finding 25 cents in your pocket. It can buy you a piece of chewing gum so you carry on reading why poor old Devin IS on fire. <br />And all this for 25 words, but I DO like the immediate, no fuss, and easy introduction to two characters.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69060679342631243342010-04-01T19:52:56.145-04:002010-04-01T19:52:56.145-04:00I came to this knowing that it was yours, and know...I came to this knowing that it was yours, and knowing that there were a lot of not hooked. I wasn't sure what to expect. Then I found it, and was hooked. I want to know why he's on fire, what's going on, and why Kate's got buckets of water on hand. Is being on fire a normal experience? Were they performing some other task than dousing Devin? So yes. Definitely hooked.Korihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11608071085947734931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40828454314153615182010-04-01T14:10:21.827-04:002010-04-01T14:10:21.827-04:00I said I'd let you know why I didn't like ...I said I'd let you know why I didn't like this so here goes.<br /><br />I'm not a fan of dialoge openings.<br /><br />I'm a more visual person and having a scene painted in my mind at the beginning of a book is what draws me in. I want to be there. To see what the character is seeing, smelling, etc.<br /><br />I'd like to "see" Devin on fire instead of having the dialogue tell me Devin is on fire. Describe the flames licking across her back (or hair or whatever) or the smell of the burning clothing (or hair or whatever).<br /><br />So there you have my $.02 for what it's worth. =DjustJoanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10377292351547511489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24234590167956309972010-04-01T13:20:39.093-04:002010-04-01T13:20:39.093-04:00I guess I'm alone in this but think the dialog...I guess I'm alone in this but think the dialogue actually slows down the action and defuses the tension. To me,<br /><br />"Devin was on fire."<br /><br />is stronger and more chilling.<br /><br />Agree that the second sentence is wordy. I would almost like to see another sentence before Kate's describing the fire.Jane Vnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49766668420770418142010-03-30T14:00:11.616-04:002010-03-30T14:00:11.616-04:00Hooked. With a good back cover description I'd...Hooked. With a good back cover description I'd read this story.Jamweshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17941317821226471196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86736375915081193092010-03-27T10:40:18.840-04:002010-03-27T10:40:18.840-04:00Good, but not quite superb. I would keep reading ...Good, but not quite superb. I would keep reading if I had the book in my hands, but not necessarily track down the book based on the opening line. Readable with action, but not obviously unique.David F. Weismanhttp://davidfweisman.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16981189147294589872010-03-27T01:27:24.933-04:002010-03-27T01:27:24.933-04:00I don't know if I'm hooked. I do know the ...I don't know if I'm hooked. I do know the second sentence is too long to keep building the action, especially since the poor kid's on fire.<br /><br />Not sure too about the MC being the one who's doing the dousing and not the one on fire.<br /><br />Nice first line. Sets the stage in very few words. I'd read on to see whether or not it does hook me.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54542068125749755252010-03-26T21:31:29.693-04:002010-03-26T21:31:29.693-04:00I'm wondering how Devin could be on fire and n...I'm wondering how Devin could be on fire and not know. I'm not really hooked, just because there's a slight disconnect between the two lines.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43834369014255590762010-03-26T15:15:01.559-04:002010-03-26T15:15:01.559-04:00I approve of openings with people on fire. Like ot...I approve of openings with people on fire. Like others have mentioned, if it was a bit clearer whether or not Kate was speaking, it'd be great! Still hooked. ;)Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46422976294934120212010-03-26T14:26:10.491-04:002010-03-26T14:26:10.491-04:00It caught my attention. But were they planning on ...It caught my attention. But were they planning on putting someone out? Why were there buckets (plural) of water right there? Maybe this is answered in later sentences.Rebecca T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11994380364321336824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72313708447435601082010-03-26T13:32:29.146-04:002010-03-26T13:32:29.146-04:00I agree with the tag comments made above. The sec...I agree with the tag comments made above. The second sentence sounded very detached and calm, which was in contrast to a person on fire, and that threw me a bit. In spite of the 'grabbing' which is active, the static vision of a bucket sitting and waiting feels very passive.<br /><br />A good beginning for 25 wordssuzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18079900490192194395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37841125761985117572010-03-26T08:58:00.400-04:002010-03-26T08:58:00.400-04:00Yes, hooked. :)Yes, hooked. :)Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78293709392404060662010-03-26T07:39:56.554-04:002010-03-26T07:39:56.554-04:00hookedhookedKristi Faithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17527544253341529009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52002126942633747202010-03-26T07:19:43.281-04:002010-03-26T07:19:43.281-04:00I wonder how many buckets of water happened to be ...I wonder how many buckets of water happened to be sitting, waiting for their chance, just outside the circle of the bonfire.Imolahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14475918815700489588noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69315790771534942072010-03-26T02:51:16.156-04:002010-03-26T02:51:16.156-04:00I'd definitely keep on reading, but think it w...I'd definitely keep on reading, but think it was a good suggestion to add a dialogue tag if Kate was the one that spoke.Karen Collumhttp://www.karencollum.com.aunoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49704808486456970062010-03-25T23:42:49.951-04:002010-03-25T23:42:49.951-04:00I don't know if I'm 'hooked' per s...I don't know if I'm 'hooked' per se, but I'm certainly amused, which will get me to read a few more paragraphs.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25268417287160332982010-03-25T20:54:25.005-04:002010-03-25T20:54:25.005-04:00Hooked! Looks like a fun read.Hooked! Looks like a fun read.Alex Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12008934494334367546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86073237151269304142010-03-25T20:50:38.316-04:002010-03-25T20:50:38.316-04:00I'm hooked, even though I agree with some sugg...I'm hooked, even though I agree with some suggestions about rewording the second sentence.<br /><br />Actually, this one really caught my attention.melody colleennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62560397925462364582010-03-25T20:39:23.841-04:002010-03-25T20:39:23.841-04:00I'm hooked. I agree the second sentence is a b...I'm hooked. I agree the second sentence is a bit wordy,but I would read on.June V. Bourgo, Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12242974662704802965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5974566130094659852010-03-25T19:35:25.293-04:002010-03-25T19:35:25.293-04:00Hooked, though I feel like I was suckered into it....Hooked, though I feel like I was suckered into it...Vicki Rochohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07381089434014961076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44370334771167582232010-03-25T19:24:16.961-04:002010-03-25T19:24:16.961-04:00LOL! I loved it! I was thinking "on fire"...LOL! I loved it! I was thinking "on fire" as in sexy hot. Then came the bucket of cold water. I am Hooked.sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25804755507536450362010-03-25T19:17:19.271-04:002010-03-25T19:17:19.271-04:00HOOKED! by the first sentence.
The second sentence...HOOKED! by the first sentence.<br />The second sentence is a little wordy (how 'bout "bonfire" instead of "bonefire's light"?). But you've sucked me in....NICE! ㋡samsevernhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10913647759811350705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27414078361433849942010-03-25T18:40:22.027-04:002010-03-25T18:40:22.027-04:00Hooked!Hooked!Sojournernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41473583782563528892010-03-25T18:34:56.758-04:002010-03-25T18:34:56.758-04:00I'm interested...I'd read on to see if she...I'm interested...I'd read on to see if she got the fire out and if Devin was okay.Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35156808108150676572010-03-25T18:04:29.455-04:002010-03-25T18:04:29.455-04:00I think this is great. It would be even better if ...I think this is great. It would be even better if it read:<br />"Devin, you're on fire!" Kate shouted. She grabbed one of the buckets of water. . .<br /><br />Hooked me though!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11909732235922201609noreply@blogger.com