tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8076679426860736260..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #28Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78637182563854891672015-01-16T10:51:59.237-05:002015-01-16T10:51:59.237-05:00The overuse of rhetorical questions in this openin...The overuse of rhetorical questions in this opening is a bit much, and doesn’t make this as strong an opening as it could be. There’s also a lot going on to keep track of, sort of like a stream of consciousness that’s bit much. I’m not quite sure what type of change is going on, which adds an element of mystery. As a note, NA Sci-fi is a tougher sell (although not impossible), since NA hasn’t really burst out in sci-fi yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t at some point.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47541945336078591562015-01-15T16:03:45.432-05:002015-01-15T16:03:45.432-05:00Yes. lose the questions and start with the actual ...Yes. lose the questions and start with the actual change, let us see what the MC sees as they change into...whatever is is. Good luck!Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14255825005153728682015-01-14T16:55:56.640-05:002015-01-14T16:55:56.640-05:00This is a very interesting beginning. I liked the ...This is a very interesting beginning. I liked the line "I was changing." I think partly because it is quite tangible compared to the other thougths and questions.<br /><br />This scene begins in such a momentous moment. I wonder if it wouldn't be better to begin earlier, so that we could get to know the MC before this amazing thing happens. Then we'd understand maybe why it is so important, and maybe we could feel along with the MC. <br /><br />If you don't want to start earlier, I'd take a look at the number of questions you use and see if any could be reduced, and instead, add some specifics about the change.<br /><br />Good luck!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84099708868161263742015-01-14T14:23:06.937-05:002015-01-14T14:23:06.937-05:00I agree with REJourneys! Start with "My mind ...I agree with REJourneys! Start with "My mind spun out of control..." because that is such a great hook. As the excerpt reads right now, I got lost in all of the descriptions but grounding those descriptions with an opening line like "My mind spun out of control...I was changing" really grabs the reader and takes them along for the ride. Then in the next paragraph you could add your description of what your MC is going through. <br /><br />There are quite a few rhetorical questions in this passage, but I think most of them are important for capturing your MC's voice. I do really like "How many fictional characters had I dreamed of being?"<br /><br />Nice excerpt! Good luck!Kristinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1351815622851501972015-01-14T13:52:19.012-05:002015-01-14T13:52:19.012-05:00I wonder if you started with "My mind spun ou...I wonder if you started with "My mind spun out of control as I fought to make sense of what was happening to me. I was changing." and then explained the change, it might grab readers better. Or start with the fact that the character is changing and then explain.<br /><br />Also, I agree with Anonymous Girl, there are quite a few rhetorical questions on this page. My favorite though was "How many fictional characters had I dreamed of being?" and the answer that follows, it made the character relatable. REJourneyshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08636698355820425103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42090820515663252572015-01-14T12:00:36.393-05:002015-01-14T12:00:36.393-05:00My favorite line of this was ‘I was changing.’ Tha...My favorite line of this was ‘I was changing.’ That being said I don’t think you need so many questions on the first page, there’s almost too many. I think your audience is already asking themselves a lot of these questions. Taking them out would give you the opportunity to give us so much more in the first page. Like the environment, I only know its night, but where? Since this is sci-fi. And I really liked what your MC was going through in the second paragraph, I would like to know more, it bored on the edge of vague. The last line of that paragraph gave me a hint, maybe, but it’s unclear. And I love NA. <br />Good luck!Anonymous Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15446953612558301776noreply@blogger.com