tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post818975402948733944..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #39Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70335663672450192422014-05-16T23:39:54.633-04:002014-05-16T23:39:54.633-04:00Boy MCs are a nice change, but as others said, I&#...Boy MCs are a nice change, but as others said, I'm liking Byron more than Adam. <br /><br />I get what you mean in the first sentence, but I had to think a second. "looked like someone sorely mistaken" could mean she looked embarrassed, like someone who had made a mistake.<br /><br />Typo: grumbed <br /><br />Suggest: That's how it worked WITH Byron.<br /><br />Suggest: It HAD carried them through seven, boy-only years, but now as eighth graders, girls occasionally joined their activities, to Adam's dismay.<br /><br />The last line needs commas (but I don't get the reference to Georgia): He liked girls just fine, as they said in Georgia, but they were a waste of time.MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35078197963135846462014-05-15T17:19:02.475-04:002014-05-15T17:19:02.475-04:00As much as I like a guy-focused y.a., the writing ...As much as I like a guy-focused y.a., the writing isn’t quite there. <br /><br />The opening lines confused me on first read. "Sorely mistaken" about what? About being hot? Also, "Adam knew that wouldn't matter." Not until reading the rest of the 'graph do I begin to understand what, exactly, wouldn't matter (whether or not she's hot, I assume?). I would suggest slowing down and taking another look at this first paragraph. It's clear the scene is well-composed in your head, but I worry the sentence structure is making the order of events, and their import, a little difficult to understand.<br /><br />Some of the sentences toward the end of this passage feel like run-ons, and I wonder whether some commas might help break up the final line. <br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31604390693758887682014-05-14T21:25:07.894-04:002014-05-14T21:25:07.894-04:00I like a male POV but I found the first line confu...I like a male POV but I found the first line confusing. I'm not at all sure what you mean by "looked like someone sorely mistaken." <br />It promises to be an interesting story.Marilynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17959628680045597335noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92004724765716134312014-05-14T21:08:32.402-04:002014-05-14T21:08:32.402-04:00This needs careful attention to grammar, especiall...This needs careful attention to grammar, especially commas. And while the first sentence might be seen in one sense as giving a strong sense of voice, it's also derogatory and doesn't make me particularly care for the speaker.rodeogalnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41659188705895782862014-05-14T17:30:39.040-04:002014-05-14T17:30:39.040-04:00I like the voice and have an immediate sense of th...I like the voice and have an immediate sense of the setting and characters. I'd agree that the reference to Skid Row and the record store gave me a clear sense of the time frame, but that might not be as obvious to others. I also didn't like Adam, but I'm willing to follow him along for a while, to see if he redeems himself. Good luck with this!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06133613633729435045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76586907197044116512014-05-14T16:43:05.259-04:002014-05-14T16:43:05.259-04:00I love the voice in this and what a great opening ...I love the voice in this and what a great opening line. There's no major conflict yet, but there will be immediate conflict (girl vs basketball) and his voice is strong enough that I'd hang out a while to see where this goes. <br /><br />FYI - this may qualify as historical fiction since it takes place about 25 years ago (18 & Life came out in '89). While I may know that, the average teen today does not know when Skid Row came out so there will need to be a point where you state the year, but I like that we got the hint now and can get the details later.<br /><br />In reference to earlier comments, I didn't read the plump line as fat shaming, but it's close. You'll need to be careful with out Adam's attitude continues toward girls in the rest of the book.<br /><br />Overall, nicely done.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74508898350140203102014-05-14T12:32:05.951-04:002014-05-14T12:32:05.951-04:00I agree with EHayes. At this point, I am very unim...I agree with EHayes. At this point, I am very unimpressed with Adam. He sounds like a jerk. Also, I would have thought he was older than 8th grade by his choice of wording and reference to "before pictures". I've never known an 8th grade boy to talk like that, but then it's been awhile since I've been around 8th grade boys.<br /><br />I think my problem here is that I find Byron more worthwhile than Adam. Maybe that's the point of the story though - maybe this is a story about Adam growing as a person.<br />If so, perfect beginning. Right on track. <br />I would, at the very least, be interested in seeing the back cover to see what this story is all about!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10323759531297056433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68995438229394395812014-05-14T11:51:39.542-04:002014-05-14T11:51:39.542-04:00On the surface the first sentence sounds intriguin...On the surface the first sentence sounds intriguing, but does it actually make sense grammatically? "Looked like someone sorely mistaken" has an odd ring to it. <br /><br />Also, I agree with Heather above that it'd be great to see more YA with a male POV, but I'm not sure I find Adam's character very appealing. Particularly after the line "He was the only guy Adam knew who preferred the before photos in weight loss infomercials over the skinnier after shots". To me, that translates as, "Adam was flabbergasted that anyone could openly like fat girls". That makes Adam seem pretty mean -- not a character I'd want to spend much more time with.EHayesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26547666471816543452014-05-14T11:14:15.153-04:002014-05-14T11:14:15.153-04:00I do enjoy a good YA book told in a male POV, firs...I do enjoy a good YA book told in a male POV, first off, so yay for that. Also I'm intrigued by the premise, wondering if Adam becomes intrigued with a larger girl as well. Yet I still feel as if I'm missing something here. Maybe it's a little too telling instead of showing for my taste? The "he said's" and "he thought's" could be expanded somehow with a few more senses. Just a suggestion though. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com