tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8223797623042996331..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique, Round 1 #40Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26007193781670626692011-09-30T05:59:25.377-04:002011-09-30T05:59:25.377-04:00Very nice article! Thanks a lot.Very nice article! Thanks a lot.custom essayshttp://paramountessays.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33296795736307981512011-09-30T05:38:40.641-04:002011-09-30T05:38:40.641-04:00I wouldn't mind a slight bit more detail on ex...I wouldn't mind a slight bit more detail on exactly what the kidnapper is planning on invading. Presumably Avikar and his sister are from a different country/land/planet from the captor, but a slight hint as to what sort of world we're dealing with here would be nice. But that's nit-picking, you could let it stand as is.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22132553047041131872011-09-29T16:20:06.974-04:002011-09-29T16:20:06.974-04:00Sounds like a good adventure with a lot of tension...Sounds like a good adventure with a lot of tension and conflict. Like others have said, I need a bit more. Planning on invasion on what? Who? You have an inherent conflict in that she has fallen for her captor, but I think you could give us a bit more to let us know what the world is like and a bit more of who Avikar is. Good luck!Traci VWhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18158949570719862850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83448180797704754202011-09-29T07:56:09.000-04:002011-09-29T07:56:09.000-04:00This sounds like a great story. I like the hook at...This sounds like a great story. I like the hook at the end. I agree with the others that this logline needs a little more meat. What makes Avikar (I'm guessing the protagonist)special? Who is the antagonist forming an invasion against? Why should I care?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18245693680071743782011-09-28T21:34:09.917-04:002011-09-28T21:34:09.917-04:00I like this, but I think it's lacking stakes s...I like this, but I think it's lacking stakes still. An invasion of what and how does that affect Avikar? What will happen if Jeslyn falls for her captor?<br /><br />Also, I don't think you need to give Jeslyn's name if it's not used again in the logline. Save yourself a word :-)Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5240421416114698602011-09-28T20:08:09.234-04:002011-09-28T20:08:09.234-04:00I think this gives the gist of the story--the shap...I think this gives the gist of the story--the shape-shifter tells you to expect a fantasy and that type of world. "or that she's fallen for him" makes me want to read more and adds some mystery!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39114310837512566342011-09-28T18:17:06.496-04:002011-09-28T18:17:06.496-04:00You should start with something to tell us why he ...You should start with something to tell us why he is on this mission (what incites the story?) It sounds like it is the kidnapping but the way this is written, the story starts after that happens.<br /><br />Aside from that, I don't understand what the captor is planning on invading or how that will prevent Avikar from rescuing her.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14271640433684716412011-09-28T15:41:24.169-04:002011-09-28T15:41:24.169-04:00Maybe just two words about each of the people... ...Maybe just two words about each of the people... Like "Crime-fighting Avikar" or "kidnapped kid sister" or "quiet" or "defenseless." Her shape-changing, alien (magician, mutant, etc. Diabolical, evil, etc.).<br /><br />I like how it is to the point, but a few more key words would tell me more about your characters.<br /><br />I love the last line though ;) "She's fallen for him." I read is as Jeslyn fell for her captor, which is an awesome twist.R.A.Desiletshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08440729149601654745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51045053050859834412011-09-28T15:17:16.103-04:002011-09-28T15:17:16.103-04:00This is good but it sounds like you have a huge im...This is good but it sounds like you have a huge imaginative world created in your story, (not to mention that I LOVE the title!), n' I want to know MORE! ㋡samsevernhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10913647759811350705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24402624033376350052011-09-28T14:29:03.644-04:002011-09-28T14:29:03.644-04:00Is the captor falling for Avikar or has Jesyln fal...Is the captor falling for Avikar or has Jesyln fallen for the captor? What kind of mission is Avikar on (more specifics)? And what is the captor planning to invade?KimberlyFDRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01969245120222671022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7771265320963249052011-09-28T13:53:36.771-04:002011-09-28T13:53:36.771-04:00I thought the first sentence was good, and I was h...I thought the first sentence was good, and I was hooked by the "or that she's fallen for him." LOVED IT. I would probably read it on that alone, though I do wish I had more information about the world or the kidnapper. Is he a political leader, an evil over-lord, a mad-sorcerer, a rebel etc...just so I know what kind of story it is.Swift Scribblerhttp://www.swiftscribbler.weebly.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11887441666133534982011-09-28T13:48:53.913-04:002011-09-28T13:48:53.913-04:00This sounds interesting, but I was kind of confuse...This sounds interesting, but I was kind of confused as to who the story is about. The first sentence makes it sound like it's an adventure story about Avikar. The second makes it sound like it's a romance about Jeslyn and her captor. So I think either the first or second sentence needs to be clarified a bit.Jessica Leakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03443106239685216080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40334461088143296532011-09-28T12:52:33.951-04:002011-09-28T12:52:33.951-04:00It's very succinct, but almost too succinct. I...It's very succinct, but almost too succinct. Is there a way to weave in a word or two to describe their world since it's fantasy? Meaning, is her kidnapping occurring in a war zone or is it targeted for political reasons, are they in a world of shapeshifters, invasion by one kind of shapeshifters against another or humans, do we have other weird critters?...that sort of thing.Iris St. Clairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16563193922297551920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12864159215748045802011-09-28T12:47:18.925-04:002011-09-28T12:47:18.925-04:00I like it. Short. Snappy. Tells me in one glance, ...I like it. Short. Snappy. Tells me in one glance, his goals and the obstacles in his way.Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60411462102721627352011-09-28T12:37:06.763-04:002011-09-28T12:37:06.763-04:00I think it's good; your two lines work well he...I think it's good; your two lines work well here. You may wish to try not using the names but using the names as an opportunity to give us a better idea of what your story is about - for example, "An insecure alien with a history of seizures" instead of "Avikar."staceyleehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16363952695704171436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29703078368175498072011-09-28T12:34:16.600-04:002011-09-28T12:34:16.600-04:00This is great, short snappy to the point. But I ag...This is great, short snappy to the point. But I agree that maybe a little bit more information just to really intrigue.AmieSalmonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11902800785882682491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38190868730749300662011-09-28T12:20:01.666-04:002011-09-28T12:20:01.666-04:00Who is falling for the kidnapper? Jeslyn or Avikar...Who is falling for the kidnapper? Jeslyn or Avikar?Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15657410094553063822011-09-28T11:49:25.872-04:002011-09-28T11:49:25.872-04:00Sounds like Avikar is going to have his hands full...Sounds like Avikar is going to have his hands full. I'd like to know why she was kidnapped though. That might give us the bit of insight into their world that this needs. Right now, it feels a little generic.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40846557800736978072011-09-28T11:42:13.195-04:002011-09-28T11:42:13.195-04:00Good basic premise, but I need to know a little ab...Good basic premise, but I need to know a little about Avikar to get into this. How old? What kind of "mission" are we talking about (i.e., solo in a spaceship, petitioning the government, part of a military unit). The element of romance is good; what if the sister is actually helping him plan the invasion?Jonathan 3dnoreply@blogger.com