tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8316710968799367157..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46479340759145444712013-12-20T04:02:25.678-05:002013-12-20T04:02:25.678-05:00I thought this was a touching scene, and I like th...I thought this was a touching scene, and I like the fact that it isn't so much the gift of the string that matters most, but that Avakab knows Jem likes making string figures, something it seems Jem may have thought Avakab didn't know about.<br /><br />I do agree it could be tightened up, and you could lose the adverbs, but what struck me most was that in the blurb, Avakab destroys the bow because he doesn't want Jem using it. It seems such a spiteful thing for Avakab to do, and yet, in the submission, he comes across as kind and caring. I had expected Avacab to be a meaner person. But that's probably due to being dropped in the middle. <br /><br />You might allow Avacab to state his final line, and then show jem surprised and touched, rather than telling us. It would become a more powerful moment. encounterBarbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50306090562690958692013-12-19T15:37:00.905-05:002013-12-19T15:37:00.905-05:00Out of context, this excerpt doesn't tell us m...Out of context, this excerpt doesn't tell us much, but I can see you're a competent writer. You appear to like adverbs a bit too much and though adverbs certainly have their place, they indicate a weak verb. See if you can replace them with a stronger verb. A clearing of the throat is naturally soft, and smiled faintly could be described better. Thanked him quietly could be a whispered or muttered thanks. Said very softly is another one of those. Held almost tenderly would be better shown than told.<br /><br />I didn't get the relevance of "I know you're good at those" even though it surprised Jem to hear it. <br /><br />Best of luck with this. :)Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9074902571125096872013-12-19T11:37:43.466-05:002013-12-19T11:37:43.466-05:00I'm not sure if I would be confused if I had r...I'm not sure if I would be confused if I had read more of the story previous to this, but I had a hard time getting a feel for what sort of relationship these two have. It maybe be fine, it's just one of those excerpts that's hard to evaluate without more background. The prose flows nicely though. Lindsay Kitsonhttp://lindsaykitson.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59315812900935817272013-12-18T18:20:35.426-05:002013-12-18T18:20:35.426-05:00I liked this, however I thought the 5th paragraph ...I liked this, however I thought the 5th paragraph was a bit long. I wanted the old man to pause a bit or to have Jem interject a thought or nod his head or something.<br /><br />I guess that's a mistake I often make in my own writing, have people speak for too long. But maybe that's just the way Avakab is?<br /><br />Also, And maybe this is a funny comment, but I love your names. :) It's amazing how SF writers come up with these names that are just so perfect. When you said Avakab's name, it was just perfect. I could imagine him instantly. :)Larahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10569956870292431661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70838875938325819572013-12-18T15:27:32.191-05:002013-12-18T15:27:32.191-05:00I agree the leadin confused me. And if he broke it...I agree the leadin confused me. And if he broke it before, why would Jem just ask for it now?<br /><br />Otherwise I like this scene but just be careful of using too many adjectives (quietly, softly) and it could use some tightening up (e.g., why not just say "wistful." what does "thoughtful--perhaps even wistful" add?)CaitlinSineadJhttp://www.caitlinsineadjennings.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35405319421221317852013-12-18T11:38:32.140-05:002013-12-18T11:38:32.140-05:00From your description, I was expecting the old man...From your description, I was expecting the old man to be mad at Jem and was pleasantly surprised by his tenderness. I was confused when the old man said he didn't have much use for anything. If that's explained somewhere else in the story, don't worry about it, but if not, you might want to clarify in this passage. Ali Cnoreply@blogger.com