tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8472671965673247008..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #23Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91888545251175390702014-04-13T15:06:07.089-04:002014-04-13T15:06:07.089-04:00Yes, I want to know how annoying Jeremy really is....Yes, I want to know how annoying Jeremy really is.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14640032121885343233noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35949999312093385552014-04-11T07:34:59.372-04:002014-04-11T07:34:59.372-04:00No, but it's close. I got tripped up on the &#...No, but it's close. I got tripped up on the 'not genetically modified.' It's too long and while it says a lot about the character I had to stop and think about it too much.kristine Nhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08202917905756050811noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38589591514052627782014-04-10T21:20:58.603-04:002014-04-10T21:20:58.603-04:00Yes! My favourite of them all. Love the exhausted/...Yes! My favourite of them all. Love the exhausted/frazzled voice in this, I get a glimpse of the character right away... especially since she thinks of him with his full name (first & last), thereby separating him out, almost turning him into an 'event'.jhnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33492085906703895322014-04-10T20:11:42.682-04:002014-04-10T20:11:42.682-04:00No thanks.
A little too clunky for my taste.No thanks.<br />A little too clunky for my taste.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73772720252102699862014-04-10T19:36:35.253-04:002014-04-10T19:36:35.253-04:00No.
To me, this is overwritten. It seems all you...No.<br /><br />To me, this is overwritten. It seems all you really need is - just this once, please let me get to the bus without a Jeremy Watters run in.<br /><br />'For the love of all things not genetically modified' doesn't mean anything in this context. You haven't labeled this as SF or Spec. Fiction, so I'm assuming it's contemporary, in which case you might just as easily have said 'For the love of Aunt Mary' (which would also be unnecessary.) It's also one heck of a mouthful. So with that, and the fact that you didn't give us genre, I'm not feeling confident about what follows.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74901673254015292882014-04-10T18:30:28.732-04:002014-04-10T18:30:28.732-04:00Yes, but it's close to a no. It's too much...Yes, but it's close to a no. It's too much of a mouthful, but I'm curious enough to read on.don't hate menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46649358961545522352014-04-10T18:26:09.637-04:002014-04-10T18:26:09.637-04:00Yes, I like how the line shows immediate voice. Ho...Yes, I like how the line shows immediate voice. However, getting a late start to the day is a rather cliche opening.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39305550624605543472014-04-10T17:52:42.878-04:002014-04-10T17:52:42.878-04:00No. This feels a bit awkward and clunky to me, an...No. This feels a bit awkward and clunky to me, and as if the author is trying too hard to be funny. Also, as someone else mentioned, I believe 'run-in' needs to be hyphenated.L.C. McGeheehttp://lcmcgehee.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59136239209143770132014-04-10T15:52:40.106-04:002014-04-10T15:52:40.106-04:00Yes. I'm actually on the fence about this one,...Yes. I'm actually on the fence about this one, but I'll give you the benefit because it seems like the character has a fun voice. Good luck!Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73323462577809022012014-04-10T14:26:56.769-04:002014-04-10T14:26:56.769-04:00Yes. It's really a maybe, but I want to know w...Yes. It's really a maybe, but I want to know what comes next to be sure.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18219883647458065443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58135980490089400172014-04-10T08:58:05.818-04:002014-04-10T08:58:05.818-04:00No - Almost for me, but I feel like this has been ...No - Almost for me, but I feel like this has been done before.therealtwinmomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47482176236524892432014-04-10T07:18:01.379-04:002014-04-10T07:18:01.379-04:00Yes. Haha! Love the voice and the hint at the char...Yes. Haha! Love the voice and the hint at the character's humor and personality.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72468466928555557392014-04-10T06:03:37.913-04:002014-04-10T06:03:37.913-04:00No. The humour was too overdone for my taste.No. The humour was too overdone for my taste.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11069782576291978972014-04-09T19:05:11.312-04:002014-04-09T19:05:11.312-04:00Yes. Intriguing voice. I'd like to see the wor...Yes. Intriguing voice. I'd like to see the world through her/his eyes for a bit.Candice Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48694399217924629392014-04-09T18:42:59.925-04:002014-04-09T18:42:59.925-04:00Yes. I like the voice. :)Yes. I like the voice. :)Reginahttp://mereadalot.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86579246524379256642014-04-09T16:57:34.717-04:002014-04-09T16:57:34.717-04:00Yes- but barely- it awfully vague- little groundin...Yes- but barely- it awfully vague- little grounding in consequenceSMKraftynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84210149939428643712014-04-09T16:39:44.270-04:002014-04-09T16:39:44.270-04:00Yes.
I like the hint of world building and the int...Yes.<br />I like the hint of world building and the introduction of a conflict/problem.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01021888227904891627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85024001754302953542014-04-09T16:21:09.051-04:002014-04-09T16:21:09.051-04:00YESYESMargo Berendsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53146606762861727712014-04-09T16:00:07.044-04:002014-04-09T16:00:07.044-04:00Yes. I liked the voice and had no trouble identify...Yes. I liked the voice and had no trouble identifying the genre. SanWriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882213832893854098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70085520366389665122014-04-09T14:35:41.207-04:002014-04-09T14:35:41.207-04:00Yes I like the voice Yes I like the voice Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12061253364685496724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-225449952618401302014-04-09T14:18:28.144-04:002014-04-09T14:18:28.144-04:00Yes. Voice sounds fun. I'd read more.Yes. Voice sounds fun. I'd read more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55173167381462584952014-04-09T14:04:24.314-04:002014-04-09T14:04:24.314-04:00Yes
-it feels in the moment to me and gives a hint...Yes<br />-it feels in the moment to me and gives a hint into the world and her life.Chelly Writeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10795244697037344432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89902260035227923672014-04-09T14:04:20.301-04:002014-04-09T14:04:20.301-04:00No. I think I would like this line if I were at l...No. I think I would like this line if I were at least a few chapters into the book and already had an idea of the character and his/her grief with Jenny, but I don't care about anyone yet so I don't care about this.HepsebaALHHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88134949277401783732014-04-09T14:03:18.243-04:002014-04-09T14:03:18.243-04:00No.
I want to like this. I love the idea in the f...No. <br />I want to like this. I love the idea in the first phrase, but "not genetically modified" is cumbersome. The rest of the sentence might work on its own. C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42612932128707436052014-04-09T13:57:00.067-04:002014-04-09T13:57:00.067-04:00No, I found this hard to read. Should this have be...No, I found this hard to read. Should this have been labeled YA SF?Heidi Stallmannoreply@blogger.com