tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8544230848676587068..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent Contest #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44026730247787392912018-03-09T11:59:17.407-05:002018-03-09T11:59:17.407-05:00I think that some of the confusion the reader feel...I think that some of the confusion the reader feels could be allayed with an opening that set the scene, a wide shot that them moves into detail. Hope that helps, and good luck!Joehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07954513352661406490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77964415909245375612018-03-09T10:19:47.845-05:002018-03-09T10:19:47.845-05:00The stakes are high from the get-go here and the t...The stakes are high from the get-go here and the tone is sharp and eerie, which I love. Great writing. There were too many people in the room for me, though. I found myself tripping over who was who. Why not let the pop character take the lead here? We will get more from the moment if we see if through their eyes and feel their reaction and we can always meet the others (if necessary and relevant to the story) later.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52654695555683193652018-03-08T22:22:34.699-05:002018-03-08T22:22:34.699-05:00You've caught my attention and I am interested...You've caught my attention and I am interested. I love the closing line about the only stranger -- me. The description of her back needs some work (in my opinion). I did not know what a keloid scar was. I looked it up which then gave me a visual.hakenkreuz is another unfamiliar word I had to look up. Use swastika first. If the other word gives a clue to the story, then use it. Red worms, unfortunately, although a good description, because they are nearly the first and I don't know what the "reality" of this story is, was literal. That's what I visualized and I don't think that was your intention. The scene is great, it's gripping but there needs to be accurate visuals. Kirstenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17615706786848610850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58281034958398823762018-03-08T11:46:56.086-05:002018-03-08T11:46:56.086-05:00You've hooked me with the drama, to be sure, b...You've hooked me with the drama, to be sure, but, like Dianne, I'm confused about who is whom, and what the relationships are, and that pulls my attention away from the drama. Once I figure out who's who, I'll probably have to go back and re-read this to put it in proper context. <br /><br />So . . . I think you need to set the stage more clearly, letting us know who's who. Something like, "When Althea turned her back and lifted her shirt, even her life-long friends, Mary and Wendy, gasped." Put the characters in context right away. NoodleSoupnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65806717667414487532018-03-08T01:07:59.504-05:002018-03-08T01:07:59.504-05:00The writing is lovely though admittedly I don'...The writing is lovely though admittedly I don't understand some of the words. One thing is certain, I have no idea who the main character is. I've read in many forums/articles/blog posts... do not introduce too many people right away. I open my story with multiple people too but it is quickly established who the MC is. Unfortunately, I can't tell with the part we've been given. I think the second paragraph could be condensed also. We understand that her wounds are bad.Use these first few sentences to grab the reader with more info on who the MC is and not just what happened before the story starts. I'm a little confused too about where they are. Initially, I thought maybe a doctor's office, then you state they are sitting in chairs around a dining table. Is this a support group? I'd like to know more about what the MC feels here and why we should root for her. Unfortunately, I don't think (at least not for me) her wounds are enough of a reason yet. <br /><br />How about cutting the first sentence altogether. Start with the second paragraph but condense it. Start with a description of the wounds... then other's reaction to it. Something like that. Just suggestions, I hope they help. Best of luck! Author Dawn Brazilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17266576901266161844noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8894528535858026552018-03-07T17:33:28.950-05:002018-03-07T17:33:28.950-05:00Hi:
You've set up a dramatic, high-stakes situ...Hi:<br />You've set up a dramatic, high-stakes situation that will hook the reader. I just had a bit of trouble figuring who was whom and where everybody was in relationship to each other. Some of the language made it difficult to clearly visualize the scene. Do you need four women there, or can it just be three to help clarity? <br />Who is the stranger she is facing? That line confused me.Diannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09390351170918600908noreply@blogger.com