tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8575563344680622556..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talking Heads #4Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61142144334260958592014-03-18T21:59:43.866-04:002014-03-18T21:59:43.866-04:00Love the premise. Some of the dialogue feels a lit...Love the premise. Some of the dialogue feels a little stiff and formal. Maybe try reading it out loud and think if two people were really talking, how would they say it? The "yous" the other commenter noted is one example. <br />This: "I’ve heard girls from my team talking about me." Nothing wrong with this, but it could be more specific, like who did she overhear and what did she hear? <br /><br />Since it's just the two in the scene, when she answers "No" you can skip "I answer" and just have the narration after "I don't want to explain..." In general, a lot of these dialogue tags you can replace with narrative or something that shows more about the character; not just how they are physically moving in the scene but little observational ticks. A writer who does this amazingly well is Rainbow Rowell (Eleanor and Park, Fangirl). I highly recommend her for examples of showing character detail.<br /><br />Jared laughs and next response from him he snorts. Maybe one of those could be replaced with an action that's tied to setting, or something your MC observes about him other than laughing.<br /><br />So much potential here! Good luck and thanks for sharing. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38060639133050705722014-03-18T16:37:59.262-04:002014-03-18T16:37:59.262-04:00There's a lot to like about this. Kids who gre...There's a lot to like about this. Kids who grew up together and are apart of different social groups brings a lot of built-in tension and potential for a great story line. But this dialogue needs to be pared down. There are a lot of repetitive words and ideas, which bogs down what should be an intense scene. Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48501496620823046382014-03-18T14:32:11.130-04:002014-03-18T14:32:11.130-04:00You dialogue did a good job revealing their affect...You dialogue did a good job revealing their affection for each other. I get the sense they like each other but don't know it yet. <br /><br />A couple things threw me a bit. The hundred miles from cool sounded a bit forced. More like something an old guy like me would say. Also, her telling him she's not good with boys. I get that they are old friends but they talk like they've been apart for a while. That seems like something very vulnerable for her to say here. I might be wrong. If I had more of the context I might not think its too soon.<br /><br />I really like that he respects her focus on her sport. It shows that he's not like the rumors about him. Good job. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11616443977651188748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43605013414535684802014-03-18T14:31:14.397-04:002014-03-18T14:31:14.397-04:00I like the idea of familiar longtime neighbors who...I like the idea of familiar longtime neighbors who have grown in different directions. <br />Some of Jared's dialogue seems a little forced/repetitive. Example:<br />"YOU weren't like that when we were kids. YOU were so obnoxious. YOU always want to play princess."<br />Another repetitive word which became a distraction was "cool." I'd leave the first two and then swap out the rest for another word.<br />I'm also not sure where this scene takes place. Are they leaning against lockers at school? Are they standing outside on the strip of grass between their houses? Be sure to sprinkle some movement in between your dialogue to give your scene a rounded feel.<br />Good luck!Laurennoreply@blogger.com