tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8634597645553823387..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First 750 #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18045916029737265002010-07-29T06:17:45.785-04:002010-07-29T06:17:45.785-04:00Interesting premise. I love the idea of a black fo...Interesting premise. I love the idea of a black fog hovering over the house. I have a feeling his mom is holding him in and the fog is a spell she created. <br /><br />The dialogue did feel unnatural to me. As another poster said, it slipped from precise to slang and back again. I would try recording yourself reading your novel, or have someone read it to you to get a feel for how it sounds. <br /><br />I was a little thrown with the switch of names from Mom to Nna. At first I thought it was a typo. <br /><br />Also, I'm pretty sure arthritis is not fatal. Painful, but not fatal. I'm not sure if that was said on purpose or not.<br /><br />Good luck!Elizabeth Hollowayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14137733615625501785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20245067418254833872010-07-28T19:52:27.845-04:002010-07-28T19:52:27.845-04:00Let me say right off that this has some very nice ...Let me say right off that this has some very nice descriptive images. I really like the first para and the description of his mom. I like his concern for his mom and the first 10 paras I thought flowed really well. <br /><br />I was a little confused as to time period. Their language sounds contemporary to this point, yet we have magic going on . . . <br /><br />The "Black Veil" para was well written, imo; I especially like the description of what grows there. But I, too, was puzzled about the fresh air mentioned earlier--thought perhaps that's some other place he's longing for? <br /><br />The end of the next para seems a little unrealistic to me. "you're my mom and I couldn't stand seeing you in that condition." seems like something that might have been thought, but not said; maybe "Rowl didn't think he could stand seeing his mom in that condition."<br /><br />The para after the description of the manor felt a little clunky. I don't think you need "bluntly." "He was being daring again" is all you need, I think. "as usual" seems redundant.<br /><br />I like the way this ends very much, and want to read more to find out about his father. <br /><br />Overall, I just wondered when it was set, think the writing is mostly quite well done and wonder how Nna is pronounced :) Best wishes!Michellehttp://www.michellelbrown.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11624248463780843632010-07-28T16:27:07.802-04:002010-07-28T16:27:07.802-04:00I like the premise but I don't think you'r...I like the premise but I don't think you're quite pulling it off.<br /><br />He wonders what it's like to go outside, to inhale fresh air. But if he were to go out, would the air be fresh? You make it seem like the air outside would be foul and smoggy. And it seems he's expecting to go outside in a few days, but we never learn why, and he quickly drops that line of thinking. Perhaps say why he imagines he'll leave.<br /><br />I also wonder if a search for a cure for arthritis is big enough to drive the plot. (Of course, there may be bigger issues once he starts on his quest, but right now it's arthritis.)<br /><br />Each gang hiding behind a nearby copse of trees - earlier, there was nothing but thorn bushes out there.<br /><br />Overall, the submission feels like its main purpose is to acquaint the reader with Rowl's world, rather than to relate his story. Perhaps start just before he actually does walk out the door? Hard to say since I don't know the story.<br /><br />I do like the term magifact. I can see it becoming a general term in the fantasy lexicon.<br /><br />You might also work a bit more on characterization. The characters don't quite come off as 'real.' To me, it seems the problem is you're trying to create the larger picture first, when we need to see a bit more of the smaller postcard. Perhaps let us see Mom and Rowl more fully. As someone else said, let's see a bit of their lives. Settle us into their world before giving us a world view.<br /><br />Best of luck with this!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60155447250326105162010-07-28T12:48:57.793-04:002010-07-28T12:48:57.793-04:00Your first few paragraphs really grabbed me; I lik...Your first few paragraphs really grabbed me; I like Rowl's longing to go outside, and I was charmed by the magic artifacts. Like meradeth, though, I have concerns about the dialogue. It feels a touch expository and awkward.<br /><br />I love the mystery you set up in the last lines about Rowl's father. Intriguing!Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12357240497831335619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10611369464338963282010-07-28T11:13:25.911-04:002010-07-28T11:13:25.911-04:00Your use of a more dystopian setting for a high fa...Your use of a more dystopian setting for a high fantasy is a really interesting twist here, and I enjoyed that aspect. Some things you might want to note: dialogue. I would try reading it aloud to make sure it sounds natural--even in a high fantasy it should fit the character, and your MC kind of shifts between very precise language to more common. Also, other than a few details, I have very little sense of "place" within their house. You spend a good amount of time describing their world, but without the contrast of what their actual lives are like (other than the enchanted objects) I have a hard time seeing them. I know that's a lot to do in the first page or so, but something you might want to think about :)Meradeth Houstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06741790047121063893noreply@blogger.com