tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8660170886351642206..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49595688882990547252011-02-03T15:45:54.157-05:002011-02-03T15:45:54.157-05:00I’m not fond of the first two lines. Is he strokin...I’m not fond of the first two lines. Is he stroking or tracing? You’re also using a lot of stage direction: eyes opening and closing, head movement. And why is there an electric gap between their mouths?<br /><br />I think this would flow better if you added some white space and broke the paragraph up.Chris P.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17473077764827925892011-02-03T13:00:16.948-05:002011-02-03T13:00:16.948-05:00I like 'electric gap' but agree that it do...I like 'electric gap' but agree that it doesn't fit the mood of the rest of the scene.<br /><br />I also think you need to break this up into more than one paragraph.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91113646485472409612011-02-03T00:19:28.232-05:002011-02-03T00:19:28.232-05:00The first thing I would do with this is separate i...The first thing I would do with this is separate it into about three paragraphs,<br /><br />It's all jumbled together. You have some really beautiful writing in here, but it needs to open up to us. Let each thought sing, so we can absorb it before moving onto the next. <br /><br />Slow down the images and let them unfold.Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69190907590469003522011-02-02T17:53:05.777-05:002011-02-02T17:53:05.777-05:00"Muzzy" such a great descriptive word. I..."Muzzy" such a great descriptive word. I'm a big fan of mashing words to suit my purpose. Nice job!BetsyNhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05071298056178500121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66172438429642994822011-02-02T17:35:11.314-05:002011-02-02T17:35:11.314-05:00A bit ovedone, I thought, but it works. You get h...A bit ovedone, I thought, but it works. You get her feelings and emotions across. Not his, though. Perhaps cut some of the adjectives, use one really good word instead of two ordinary ones (soft and warm)<br /><br />The electric gap seemed out of place to me. You didn't use anything similar in the rest of the piece and you created a nice mood rather than a shocking, or hot and heated more intense mood, which would have suited the electic gap better. Perhaps cut that.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51658322642081405792011-02-02T14:03:57.547-05:002011-02-02T14:03:57.547-05:00Maybe it's because it's all one paragraph ...Maybe it's because it's all one paragraph that it took me a bit to 'get' it. <br />I really liked, "breathing as if he took in her breath."Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00018322408296417739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13972474052717917612011-02-02T12:50:08.773-05:002011-02-02T12:50:08.773-05:00It seemed a little long-winded to me, and it didn&...It seemed a little long-winded to me, and it didn't flow as naturally as it could have. Watch for using too many short sentences in a row; it makes things sound choppy.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20240621352241424152011-02-02T12:22:53.403-05:002011-02-02T12:22:53.403-05:00Ha! It was a kiss teaser until the end. Lovely.
...Ha! It was a kiss teaser until the end. Lovely. <br /><br />Seemed like a lot of hot, warm, soft and sweet in there. A little tightening may be needed, but it was stil very nice. <br /><br />I liked that she was aware of her pulse, not his.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1973318760892677742011-02-02T12:15:43.217-05:002011-02-02T12:15:43.217-05:00"And he seemed to drink her in while ponderin..."And he seemed to drink her in while pondering her reaction, floating there, breathing as if he took in her breath" broke the flow for me. The kiss would have more impact with a little tightening. Nice job.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03263043246347529228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23966059049411111442011-02-02T12:09:33.812-05:002011-02-02T12:09:33.812-05:00I had to read it a few times to sort through all t...I had to read it a few times to sort through all that was going on. Maybe streamline the action and resultant feelings for a little more flow?<br />I love the word "muzzy."knoreply@blogger.com