tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8687838588859022930..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 28 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1622395491946328452009-11-08T08:19:42.360-05:002009-11-08T08:19:42.360-05:00The most engaging section of this was the drama of...The most engaging section of this was the drama of putting together the flat pack desk.<br /><br />But it seemed out of place when she'd just described being spooked by the small noise.<br /><br />I might be out of step with other critters (I haven't read them), but I would put the reaction to the noise after the desk fiasco.Cheryl Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11270513035473727341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83079515849646375982009-11-06T17:48:15.742-05:002009-11-06T17:48:15.742-05:00I think you could cut out the "Newly from a h...I think you could cut out the "Newly from a house that had never been empty" and just start with "She decided to experience . . ." instead.<br /><br />I would read on because I found the humor in the paragraph about the desk building. I'd try to get to some action sooner though to keep the reader interested. I'm not hooked yet, but I'd keep going to see when zombies come into play.justJoanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10377292351547511489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81130724066173804442009-11-05T16:59:41.528-05:002009-11-05T16:59:41.528-05:00Could be an interesting story, but nothing here is...Could be an interesting story, but nothing here is enticing me to read on. Maybe shorten up the description of the tools to get to something more exciting faster? I think this could benefit from some tightening overall. You have 'get used to' twice in the first paragraph.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23431638016695884692009-11-05T00:12:14.692-05:002009-11-05T00:12:14.692-05:00There is nothing wrong with this per se but it isn...There is nothing wrong with this per se but it isn't particularly hooky.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70748670693564367022009-11-05T00:01:20.554-05:002009-11-05T00:01:20.554-05:00I liked the second and third paragraphs. Liked the...I liked the second and third paragraphs. Liked the first line of the first paragraph.<br /><br />Make that small noise stand out a bit by letting her scalp prickle. Then let her chide herself for being silly. It's just because she's not used to being alone. <br /><br />Maybe? <br /><br />I love the bit about the desk--I've put enough together myself to know what a royal pain they are--and wanting to make a hammer from the wrench. I'm assuming she is going to beat that darned desk into submission. I like her feistiness.sally https://www.blogger.com/profile/11068670473065918371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30563164977787722912009-11-04T19:51:06.933-05:002009-11-04T19:51:06.933-05:00I thought the idea of her trying to reshape the ha...I thought the idea of her trying to reshape the hammer and not having transformation powers was a cool detail and said a lot about the main character. This detail hooked me and made me want to read more.<br /><br />I found the first paragraph confusing. What sort of sound does she hear? Is there a reason not to tell the reader what she thought she heard? If she just heard a sound, then why is she deciding to experience quiet a little longer--she'd actually been experiencing some sort of sound not quiet.<br /><br /><br />Can you simply say she wasn't used to quiet rather than "Newly from a house that had never been empty"?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69365593810992818012009-11-04T15:34:38.120-05:002009-11-04T15:34:38.120-05:00I would read on, though I can’t say I’m hooked. “...I would read on, though I can’t say I’m hooked. “Newly from a house that had never been empty” was a problem, and then next time I see one like that, I’d quit. But I kind of like this person, and she doesn’t have to be pinned against the wall in the first 250 words. Just make sure something happens soon.Momwomannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25783822843628641172009-11-04T13:44:54.192-05:002009-11-04T13:44:54.192-05:00I like the title. I like that the ready-to-assembl...I like the title. I like that the ready-to-assemble desk really isn't. Thought the tiny clue about powers was well-placed, but then you didn't do anything with it. <br /><br />I'm sure the rest of the novel is stellar, you just need a more active... more something, opening.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00118363231070027767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71162264810478649312009-11-04T13:33:31.771-05:002009-11-04T13:33:31.771-05:00Except for the first and last sentences, which jus...Except for the first and last sentences, which just barely scrape the dramatic, there's nothing here to interest me in going further -- and you kill the drama of the first sentence by talking about playing music. If everything's still normal in soon-to-be-zombie world, then you need to find some other way of getting into your book -- some kind of drama involving your protagonist. If there already are zombies running around out there, then your protagonist ought to be showing some fear, unease, disquiet of some sort. I know I would be if there were zombies about and I were all alone. <br /><br />And if there are no zombies and that's just a title thing...well, then what I said about some other drama still goes.Travenerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05160810997837674165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90726821287672190222009-11-04T12:08:12.326-05:002009-11-04T12:08:12.326-05:00I stumbled over several of the sentences because o...I stumbled over several of the sentences because of the way they were structured which pulled me away from the story and character. Also, the initial set up of being alone in a house setting up a new desk, didn't really pull me in. Try taking another look at your piece for a beginning that might be stronger. Good luck!Valerie Gearyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165554338889917253noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80770303445491981082009-11-04T12:00:08.520-05:002009-11-04T12:00:08.520-05:00Not hooked. There's nothing particularly troub...Not hooked. There's nothing particularly troublesome here, but there's also nothing that draws me in.<br /><br />A phrase I stumbled over: "Newly from a house that had never been empty."Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.com