tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8751854455802364415..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43580627705068276482011-02-25T13:12:07.912-05:002011-02-25T13:12:07.912-05:00Intrigued...but confused. There were some great de...Intrigued...but confused. There were some great descriptions in this, but the narrator's panic felt melodramatic because I didn't understand why she was reacting like that. What is she reacting *to*? She appears on the page panicking for no apparent reason. (I'm sure there is one, but reassuring herself that *something* is only stories doesn't really give me a solid idea on what we're looking at.)Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04592336757637067720noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53041508876077601892011-02-24T18:51:20.220-05:002011-02-24T18:51:20.220-05:00I think you did an excellent job of setting the sc...I think you did an excellent job of setting the scene, but your overuse of the words story/stories (7 times in 250 words) pulled me from the narrative. <br /><br />I agree with Barbara about choosing your words so they convey the correct meaning. For me, despise is more closely related to contempt or disgust than fear and terror, so I had a hard time shifting from her despising the dark to experiencing her fear.<br /><br />I would read a few pages more to see if you showed my why she's afraid, but I'm not quite hooked by this passage.Cheryl Angsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05722575692235050236noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17395256424946301422011-02-24T17:41:05.102-05:002011-02-24T17:41:05.102-05:00I thought it was a bit overdone, too. I liked the...I thought it was a bit overdone, too. I liked the mood and tone you started out with. It has a nice, creepy feel to it, but there were too many "They were just stories," and that, I think, was what made it feel a bit much. I got your point, and saying it so often became annoying.<br /><br />I would have liked a hint of why she was out in the dark she hated so much. Was she there willingly, or had she been forced into the situation? Was she going somewhere or returning? <br /><br />And at the end, she's describing the moon and sky as a soft, safe blanket. WOuld someone who despises the dark describe it as soft and safe? You need more menacing words there, I think, to keep with her hatred and/or fear. Which is another issue. Does she hate the dark, or fear it - two separate things. Be sure to say and convey what you actually mean.<br /><br />I'd give it a few more pages.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58398172549424368452011-02-24T14:33:49.762-05:002011-02-24T14:33:49.762-05:00I'm hooked.
I agree with Vicki that maybe it ...I'm hooked.<br /><br />I agree with Vicki that maybe it could be a little faster, but I love the atmosphere and the world you've created.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78740124201421670032011-02-24T13:23:04.254-05:002011-02-24T13:23:04.254-05:00I'm in agreement with Holly Bodger about both ...I'm in agreement with Holly Bodger about both the spookiness and the last line. <br /><br />Is the present tense necessary to the work overall? I think the selection above would read better in the past tenses, but that may be just me.scriptoblamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41992855146283459582011-02-24T13:14:21.825-05:002011-02-24T13:14:21.825-05:00I like the feeling you've created, the atmosph...I like the feeling you've created, the atmosphere. I did want to move a little faster into the story, however. I really like the writing style, too, so I say, hooked.Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31100737366140749682011-02-24T12:51:10.028-05:002011-02-24T12:51:10.028-05:00I agree that this is a tad overdone. Once you esta...I agree that this is a tad overdone. Once you establish the spooky setting at the beginning, I think you should leave it to settle in the reader's mind.<br /><br />The last line also needs to be separated using semi-colons or periods so it reads more slowly.Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79741418864941914942011-02-24T12:23:17.300-05:002011-02-24T12:23:17.300-05:00HOOKED! Great descriptions. I can see and feel wh...HOOKED! Great descriptions. I can see and feel what your MC does.Jamie Blairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15899384749829457808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46568264087903063762011-02-24T12:08:35.551-05:002011-02-24T12:08:35.551-05:00Wow, talk about being tossed into a world. Great d...Wow, talk about being tossed into a world. Great description of her feelings and surroundings. Hooked<br /><br />I enjoyed your logline contrasts, showing the conflict. I thought the last line of the logline 'nothing is simple anymore' was a throwaway. Perhaps with some more thought you could come up with something more specific, more grabbing. Maybe like: Fearing for her sanity, she needed these superstitions shot down before they stole her soul??<br /><br />Just a picky about the body: the last word fabricated seemed out of place IMO. Maybe try something like: that the tales my brother used to tell me were only his usual tease, his way of pulling pigtails. (I know, too many words). What I mean is fabricated seemed too adult, especially when she harkens back to a time when she was younger.RW Richardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08473786472219141232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31807078157791782222011-02-24T11:53:10.361-05:002011-02-24T11:53:10.361-05:00This feels a little melodramatic to me, a tad over...This feels a little melodramatic to me, a tad overdone, and the present tense feels clumsy in places.<br /><br />I would read on, but only because the part about her wondering about the outside world has me intrigued.Tere Kirklandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13562750950130316280noreply@blogger.com