tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8787997817570994914..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #28Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-198255253564977772013-06-29T03:50:19.971-04:002013-06-29T03:50:19.971-04:00Yes! I love this. Your sentence surprises the read...Yes! I love this. Your sentence surprises the reader from seeing a broad image (a dead body), which could be considered cliche, but then subverts that image by focusing on the details of the other things in the pool--colors and texture in the first sentence! Beautiful, clever writing. Remindful of Juliet Marillier. And I love that it's YA Historical. Axiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16328788402306644835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79450043781998186722013-06-28T10:49:35.169-04:002013-06-28T10:49:35.169-04:00Oh yeah!
It immediately left me with a, "oooo...Oh yeah!<br />It immediately left me with a, "oooooooo, cool!" kind of sensation blending with the immediate questions about dead body-ness. And the beautiful imagery of spiny sea urchins, etc.<br />Oooooooo, cool! So, yes.Reesehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00330348718504682666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75812279334582278422013-06-28T07:13:29.522-04:002013-06-28T07:13:29.522-04:00Yes. As above, great imagery.Yes. As above, great imagery.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53303466660377636052013-06-28T03:19:26.452-04:002013-06-28T03:19:26.452-04:00Yes - I like the image of a dead body in a tide po...Yes - I like the image of a dead body in a tide pool.Shiela Calderón Blankemeierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05164253791139502033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77896605330431798792013-06-28T00:48:42.504-04:002013-06-28T00:48:42.504-04:00Yes. It made me want to read more. I liked the d...Yes. It made me want to read more. I liked the description. KariSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6169952304938253562013-06-27T22:46:08.958-04:002013-06-27T22:46:08.958-04:00Yes. I really like the voice. Yes. I really like the voice. Tony Acreehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10645967310766453710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47828132056624322282013-06-27T22:43:39.664-04:002013-06-27T22:43:39.664-04:00Yes. I like the imagery here and it made me take n...Yes. I like the imagery here and it made me take notice. Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62045944928402526492013-06-27T22:26:25.380-04:002013-06-27T22:26:25.380-04:00Yes--nice opening scene, well written, nice langua...Yes--nice opening scene, well written, nice language. My only suggestion would be not to include the starfish in the same hand as the sea urchins, and extend the sentence a bit.<br /><br />They found her body at dusk, washed up in a tide pool with a handful of spiny sea urchins, and a brittle green starfish --------<br />(say where the starfish was)Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43790328116142997822013-06-27T22:19:53.987-04:002013-06-27T22:19:53.987-04:00No: a pretty picture, but so so familiar I'm n...No: a pretty picture, but so so familiar I'm not that compelledAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38768244720619892602013-06-27T21:15:36.461-04:002013-06-27T21:15:36.461-04:00Yes. Great word choice and imagery.Yes. Great word choice and imagery.The Kranky Crowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03540879407267148397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16641119970360020082013-06-27T19:54:57.125-04:002013-06-27T19:54:57.125-04:00Yes. Really dark imagery which draws you in, want...Yes. Really dark imagery which draws you in, wanting to know who she is and why she's been left there like that.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39306054369552117062013-06-27T19:26:25.756-04:002013-06-27T19:26:25.756-04:00No. The images of the sea urchins and starfish dis...No. The images of the sea urchins and starfish distract from the body. There's more description given to them than anything else in this sentence which makes them the focus.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83593174351437993152013-06-27T19:15:40.478-04:002013-06-27T19:15:40.478-04:00Yes. Intriguing (a body!) and just the right amoun...Yes. Intriguing (a body!) and just the right amount of descriptive detail on the tide pool.JeffOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947660745120963286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79105719504689614782013-06-27T17:53:20.208-04:002013-06-27T17:53:20.208-04:00Yes!! The details made me actually interested in t...Yes!! The details made me actually interested in this dead body, otherwise I'd have passed on the book. The colors used, the dusk, it all makes me hope that you have many more interesting things to give me as the book progresses. For those saying remove an adjective, those are the actual names of the animals (though I believe it's more commonly called a Green Brittle instead of Brittle Green). Maybe capitalize the animal names like you would for birds (Northern Flicker, Bald Eagle etc)? camelamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15047366798106484542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67725275949339779652013-06-27T17:45:49.475-04:002013-06-27T17:45:49.475-04:00Oh yes.Oh yes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82986504700963466472013-06-27T17:43:38.584-04:002013-06-27T17:43:38.584-04:00Yes.
I'd want to read more.Yes.<br />I'd want to read more.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04712049007203810266noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18018926704818513092013-06-27T17:39:54.380-04:002013-06-27T17:39:54.380-04:00Yes--This line with the title and genre feels like...Yes--This line with the title and genre feels like it all fits.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24461972005736865842013-06-27T17:24:24.992-04:002013-06-27T17:24:24.992-04:00No, because it's too long. It would be more po...No, because it's too long. It would be more powerful if it were just, "They found her body at dusk." I usually object to pronouns w/o antecedents in the first sentence, but I'm afraid naming the people would interfere with the poetry, so I'd take it.amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67992564716841310862013-06-27T16:55:10.799-04:002013-06-27T16:55:10.799-04:00Yes. I actually think it's sort of creepy and ...Yes. I actually think it's sort of creepy and desperately sad. Part of me didn't want to read any further because I couldn't get the bobbing corpse out of my head. Yuk. However... it's all very beautifully written and hints at a much bigger problem ahead. So yeah, I would end up reading on :)<br /><br />I assume you opened with "they" because the identity of the body is more significant than whomever found her. That little detail also helped draw me in, as I wondered who this corpse was and how we (readers) would learn more about her considering she's dead. (Plus why she's dead, of course!)Brigid Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10890712173849209546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27990731395855605722013-06-27T16:46:24.606-04:002013-06-27T16:46:24.606-04:00Yes! Perfect amount of detail and mystery, if you ...Yes! Perfect amount of detail and mystery, if you lose at least one of the four adjectives in "spiny sea urchins" and "brittle grean starfish". I want to know more!Leah Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668989627100455974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45631058200806968912013-06-27T16:40:17.969-04:002013-06-27T16:40:17.969-04:00No. There is nothing intriguing here. I'd rath...No. There is nothing intriguing here. I'd rather she was found in a pool with spiny sea urchins and something a little less predictable, a gold doubloon, a china tea cup, or??? Something that hints at what happened to her, murdered? pushed overboard? ship on the rocks? MollyBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14329146240227688772013-06-27T16:29:16.776-04:002013-06-27T16:29:16.776-04:00Yes
Great imagery!Yes<br />Great imagery!Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45520999755893805912013-06-27T16:23:30.521-04:002013-06-27T16:23:30.521-04:00Yes! I love this! I love the title, and the intrig...Yes! I love this! I love the title, and the intrigue, and the specific images evoked by these beautiful words. Would definitely read on.KOhttp://owlandsparrow.wordpress.com/current-projects/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8101191855634549892013-06-27T16:04:25.181-04:002013-06-27T16:04:25.181-04:00Yes. I like the imagery. However, I advise remov...Yes. I like the imagery. However, I advise removing the word 'spiny', because EVERY sea urchin is spiny.Chrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07768990128419496674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49905246934816881392013-06-27T15:31:55.780-04:002013-06-27T15:31:55.780-04:00Yes. Strong image. Good title.Yes. Strong image. Good title.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.com