tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8888026805648407191..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #22Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76889754219008378352011-02-03T15:42:07.376-05:002011-02-03T15:42:07.376-05:00I like the tone and setting here and only have a f...I like the tone and setting here and only have a few comments. Try to limit the use of proper names. If you only have two characters in a scene, you don’t need to use names often. <br /><br />Also, if their gazes are locked on each other how does she know the coffee spilled everywhere? Or that his knuckles whitened?Chris P.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73806825851035645512011-02-03T00:07:58.474-05:002011-02-03T00:07:58.474-05:00Barbara read my mind. The exploding butterflies ja...Barbara read my mind. The exploding butterflies jarred a really good excerpt. <br /><br />I enjoyed your styleMichael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6333163334370302072011-02-02T18:03:58.850-05:002011-02-02T18:03:58.850-05:00I liked it, but the exploding butterflies was quit...I liked it, but the exploding butterflies was quite an image. You might cut her mind reeling. What does that actually mean? And in the same parg. the flutterings are melting into molten desire, which wouldn't be bad except there can't be any fluttering if the butterflies exploded.<br /><br />I liked that we can't be sure what he's apologizing about. It forces us to read on to find outBarbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66818562475249207512011-02-02T14:46:21.353-05:002011-02-02T14:46:21.353-05:00Oh no! Not the coffee! :)
Very nice. I like how...Oh no! Not the coffee! :)<br /><br />Very nice. I like how you described things "sifting through her mind..." "molten desire". This makes your entry stand out compared to the rest.Adrienne Barrhttp://www.adriennebarr.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63797770515173421842011-02-02T13:35:55.539-05:002011-02-02T13:35:55.539-05:00Don't say "brown liquid" - that draw...Don't say "brown liquid" - that draws way too much attention to the phrase and to the liquid - just say "coffee." If you want to avoid saying "coffee" in two sentence in a row, say he bumped into the table or something else.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73368048208850886722011-02-02T13:07:30.758-05:002011-02-02T13:07:30.758-05:00I'm curious at the end if he's upset about...I'm curious at the end if he's upset about the coffee or the kiss. Maybe both? I did like it a lot though and Rebeccah especially.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00018322408296417739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70565779875059850882011-02-02T12:52:03.942-05:002011-02-02T12:52:03.942-05:00I like this one. It seems simple, but gives insigh...I like this one. It seems simple, but gives insight into these characters. Also, it doesn't feel like there's too little detail or too much detail.Christina Earlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05803995093957463325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20316170686185655232011-02-02T12:42:52.758-05:002011-02-02T12:42:52.758-05:00I love the coffee pot thing! Great visual and rea...I love the coffee pot thing! Great visual and really breaks the tension of the kiss. I'm drawn in by why he's apologizing (I love how you've written this). I want to know more. <br /><br />I think butterflies in the the stomach are a bit done to death. Can you come up with something better? <br /><br />I think you can ditch unexpectedly. You don't need it. <br /><br />Otherwise I really like this.Sharonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22902492136912704852011-02-02T12:20:21.972-05:002011-02-02T12:20:21.972-05:00I like Rebeccah's 'what the hell' atti...I like Rebeccah's 'what the hell' attitude and John's apology.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03263043246347529228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64662449504502027082011-02-02T12:10:24.004-05:002011-02-02T12:10:24.004-05:00I love when she thinks, "Oh, hell. I'm sh...I love when she thinks, "Oh, hell. I'm shipping out in a matter of hours. Why not?" It really grabbed me and made me like her. <br /><br />Why is he apologizing when she kissed him? That's my only question. <br /><br />Great job!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27153890751776392772011-02-02T11:59:59.985-05:002011-02-02T11:59:59.985-05:00I like this.
I'm curious about her. She is a s...I like this.<br />I'm curious about her. She is a soldier of some kind, no?<br />Butterflies in the stomach and fluttering might be a bit cliche here; could you use a metaphor more befitting a military woman, like internal sirens, or flares and so on?<br />Sigh. Horrible thing to do to a coffee pot. Death by first kiss.kaureliusnoreply@blogger.com