tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8891240422051047650..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #36Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23472070346403010452013-01-29T00:17:42.026-05:002013-01-29T00:17:42.026-05:00Great "YA" voice and flow. I get that it...Great "YA" voice and flow. I get that it's an excerpt and detail may be provided elsewhere. Still, the comments about the MC's dress need clarification -- an adjective here or there would probably do it.<br /><br />Also, why couldn't she work for a man? Is this some sort of matriarchial magic world? Wasn't sure how that ties in directly to this line of conversation.<br /><br />I came away very curious about who <b>they</b> are and why they''l be bonkers if the MC doesn't return soon -- although that did make me wonder how far away her family lives! All good reactions though, because I want to know more!bgbcnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26132781370257528902013-01-28T17:02:49.696-05:002013-01-28T17:02:49.696-05:00Like Brienne, I felt lost through a lot of this pa...Like Brienne, I felt lost through a lot of this passage. Why is the MC embarrassed? What is she wearing that she doesn't want her mother to see? Who is "they" in the last line, and why are "they" going to go bonkers? <br /><br />Nevertheless, the dialogue was really well paced, authentic, with just the right number of tags, which makes me trust that all of my questions would have been answered if I had read whatever comes before this.<br /><br />A couple of very minor criticisms: You never name your MC in this passage. Replacing one or two "shes" with her first name might help keep the speakers distinct. Also, if your MC is named Marion, having a friend named Miriam could be confusing. I wondered at first if "Marion" was a typo.Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9586241056174729162013-01-28T17:01:52.115-05:002013-01-28T17:01:52.115-05:00It does have a nice rhythm to it. The words spoken...It does have a nice rhythm to it. The words spoken sound natural. The confusion comes with the reference to Franklin as I was unsure what to make of this. Also, unless the dress is described previously, there might need to be some hint as to why it is so inappropriate. But, nice tempo.Happy Dolphinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4283261695275848732013-01-28T16:30:24.642-05:002013-01-28T16:30:24.642-05:00I agree the flow is good, but I had no idea what w...I agree the flow is good, but I had no idea what was going on. I didn't understand what Miriam is job (there seems to be two), who is Franklin, and what is so wrong about the dress she is wearing? <br />Perhaps more context was need, but I feel that adding description around the text would also help.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11948360246702485434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84114591896982019092013-01-28T14:15:21.840-05:002013-01-28T14:15:21.840-05:00This flowed really well. The only thing that gave ...This flowed really well. The only thing that gave me pause was the question without a question mark: <br /><br />"Then why didn't you tell him." She nodded at Franklin's back. <br /><br />Maybe if you don't want it to sound like a question, it could be added that "she stated it rather than asked." or something. Otherwise, I think adding a question mark makes this read more clearly. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.com