tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8980085108160342443..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Two #18Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4739360915201964722013-10-16T10:51:18.101-04:002013-10-16T10:51:18.101-04:00I like Lia's condensed version. It sounds like...I like Lia's condensed version. It sounds like you have a great story, and as a Women's Fic reader, I'm sure I would enjoy this, but the logline itself has too much forced into it. Trust your readers to get a sense of the story rather than overloading your description of it.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41331376560346886542013-10-15T19:26:14.639-04:002013-10-15T19:26:14.639-04:00This needs to be re-worked a little. You should st...This needs to be re-worked a little. You should start off by inciting her goal (ie, When X marries into a Napa Valley fairy tale, she vows to be the wife and mother her own mother never was..." or something like that). Be careful saying she vows to be faithful without gving this reason and it makes it sound like she wouldn't normally be faithful, and that's just icky if she's pregnant too!<br /><br />After that, give us the reasons her goal is hard --her husband's alcoholism and betrayals. I don't know about this whole childhood friend thing. It doesn't sound like a conflict as written. Is this friend male? Does he want her back but he's poor and she wants to live the nice life?<br /><br />Finally, you need to end this with a more tangible decision. I don't know what "how much of herself to sacrifice" means and I would guess that her real decision is whether or not to give up happiness in order to keep her fairytale alive.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6097803690971860972013-10-15T15:51:50.530-04:002013-10-15T15:51:50.530-04:00There seem to be competing goals:
1) be a faithfu...There seem to be competing goals:<br /><br />1) be a faithful wife and mother<br />2) fit into her husband's world<br />3) find pieces of herself<br /><br />Although all three are undoubtedly part of the story, for the logline I think it would be more succinct to pick the main goal and focus on that.wadewhitenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92223610961178136212013-10-15T15:32:24.329-04:002013-10-15T15:32:24.329-04:00This sounds like an interesting premise, but there...This sounds like an interesting premise, but there are a few too many details and I find it hard to discern the central conflict. Fears of motherhood? An alcoholic husband? Unresolved feelings for a first love? <br /><br />You mention that the MC feels she's losing her identity, which is certainly a good theme for women's fiction, but it's not clear to me how she saw herself before marriage or how that has changed. What, specifically, is she sacrificing? <br />Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46981779818115610352013-10-15T15:09:16.284-04:002013-10-15T15:09:16.284-04:00Sounds interesting - but this is a little long. Yo...Sounds interesting - but this is a little long. You could try cutting from Napa Valley to the idea that she doesn't fit in - then leave last sentence as is. The piece about her first love sounds great -but do you need it in a logline? How central is it to the story?rachelb26noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18510860021649028462013-10-15T14:34:56.217-04:002013-10-15T14:34:56.217-04:00Consider a much more condensed version, like:
New...Consider a much more condensed version, like:<br /><br />Newly married into a Napa Valley fairy tale, a young mother-to-be vows to be [the] faithful wife and mother she never had. But pieces of herself keep disappearing as she struggles to fit into her husband's wine-drenched world. As the fairy tale crumbles, she must decide how much of herself to sacrifice in pursuit of happily-ever-after.<br /><br />* "Wine-drenched" gives me the image of alcoholism without using the harsh terminology. <br />* the imagery is there, as well as hints to the plot. Just keep it short and sweet and to the point.<br /><br />I really like this and would be interested in reading more. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04081314889684032209noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13438591735765898962013-10-15T12:27:51.069-04:002013-10-15T12:27:51.069-04:00Sounds like an interesting read. The second senten...Sounds like an interesting read. The second sentence throws me a little. I think the childhood friend wants her to find the missing pieces. And this friend taught her the meaning of love? It's curious and interesting but I think maybe leave it out for the sake of clarity.writeagainnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76188546277405321402013-10-15T11:33:13.198-04:002013-10-15T11:33:13.198-04:00I like the subject matter in this one, but it feel...I like the subject matter in this one, but it feels too long for me. I think you could pare it down, say the same stuff in a shorter package, it would carry a lot more punchSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.com