tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9030474173378296158..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #31Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76881787920652754232011-09-24T07:11:11.102-04:002011-09-24T07:11:11.102-04:00I liked this and would read on. 'Nanotechnolog...I liked this and would read on. 'Nanotechnology lab' struck me as an authorial intrusion though. If she works there every day, Catherine isn't going to think of it as a 'nanotechnology lab', just a lab. I don't think we need to know at this point that it's a nanotech lab, the hook in this scene is whether Catherine escapes from her pursuer and why she is being chased in the first place.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18091948122176666772011-09-23T14:34:13.346-04:002011-09-23T14:34:13.346-04:00OOps,
Right comment. Wrong story. Hang my head i...OOps,<br /><br />Right comment. Wrong story. Hang my head in shame.French Ladyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15095515033768206864noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70911430464932666992011-09-23T14:32:40.738-04:002011-09-23T14:32:40.738-04:00Hi,
The biggest thing that comes to mind is that ...Hi,<br /><br />The biggest thing that comes to mind is that several characters are mentioned at the same time. Maybe it's possible to lower the number.<br /><br />Instead of naming "Kenneth" now, maybe sentence 2 could end with "Da's friend." (dropping upon one horse)<br /><br />It surprised me that Lia would run for the cottage instead of towards her friend. <br /><br />"Why hadn't her dreams forewarned her?" combined with the second sentence is almost the same as "but her fate-dreams had failed to give a timely warning for Da." Repetition.<br /><br />I looked for suggestions to help, which is why I wrote the above comments, but the plot so far sounds interesting.<br /><br />Good luck!French Ladyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15095515033768206864noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91035358867487817002011-09-22T22:41:10.444-04:002011-09-22T22:41:10.444-04:00My first thought was that "nanotechnology lab...My first thought was that "nanotechnology lab" is way too generic. Give the lab a name that such a lab would have, and in an offhand way you can drop the info that it's nanotech she's working on. Some detail that makes it real, like she hates the way she has to use a respirator whenever she's working in the "active" part of the nanotech lab, or some such.<br /><br />I also agreed the pacing was too fast. Barbara has good advice there.Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84938923118863507432011-09-22T15:40:18.633-04:002011-09-22T15:40:18.633-04:00I thought this could be more exciting if you slowe...I thought this could be more exciting if you slowed the pacing. Once the suit guy starts chasing her, perhaps slow it down a bit by giving us more details. Is she panting? Does she get a stitch in her side? SHow us how things seem to her when she feels she's running in slow motion.<br /><br />And what about suit guy? Is he getting closer? Can she hear his footsteps, feel his breath on her neck? Instead of zipping through the chase scene, draw it out.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9967845706605881962011-09-21T20:11:18.832-04:002011-09-21T20:11:18.832-04:00I think the writing needs smoothing out here but a...I think the writing needs smoothing out here but a pretty promising start overall. <br /><br />I really dislike the title.<br /><br />Overall, well-done.secret agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90548231756446120612011-09-21T18:56:53.045-04:002011-09-21T18:56:53.045-04:00What I loved about this piece was the tension... i...What I loved about this piece was the tension... it starts off calm and then it hits us - someone is following her and tries to take her right in front of her work building - very bold. I also wondered if the building has security cameras.<br /><br />I'd keep reading. I want to know if she got away.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81864969127489143832011-09-21T17:17:13.087-04:002011-09-21T17:17:13.087-04:00I'm intrigued, but I need more to understand w...I'm intrigued, but I need more to understand where the story's going. How does Dr. Catherine Thomas know the suit man is after her? Why is she running back to the lab? Missing elements make it confusing for me. I have no idea what "moca" or "querida" mean - should I? Is Ryan her husband? boyfriend? Son? I like the title, and would like to know more :)Robbinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13340267650156858452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60749535875269488752011-09-21T16:23:49.019-04:002011-09-21T16:23:49.019-04:00First sentence runs a bit long, but the introducti...First sentence runs a bit long, but the introduction of Ryan is interesting.<br /><br />I like the way sentences become shorter, more concise, driving the pace. Paragraph breaks could add to the effect and bring more focus to key sentences.<br /><br />The end of this sample leaves me asking a few questions. No security cameras to worry about around a lab housing nanotech? Why didn't she scream? What time of day is it and is there no one around to help her? A bit more detail to help with setting could go a long way toward establishing mood in a thriller.<br /><br />This has a lot of potential but I'm not hooked yet.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.com