tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9038016338070328199..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #35Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14402048572585953902013-03-29T13:18:46.851-04:002013-03-29T13:18:46.851-04:00The title is great, and I had to laugh at the comm...The title is great, and I had to laugh at the comment that a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom series exists. Of course it does! LOL<br /><br />I love the first line. After that, I felt it might be a bit too in the middle of the action too soon. Maybe if that first sentence was a stand-alone, and the next line was another internal reflection, where the reader gets more context on the absurdity of what was just said, then the action has a little more context. This now feels like a later page in the chapter than a first page. <br /><br />But the secret agent liked it, so there you go!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6804288071607510142013-03-29T10:33:33.857-04:002013-03-29T10:33:33.857-04:00I think this is clever and funny. I like the openi...I think this is clever and funny. I like the opening line, precisely because of the assumption that she's been attacked before math class a number of times. (If that's not what you meant, it's unclear.)<br /><br />I'd read a few more pages to see where this went.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25104689163527804632013-03-28T18:46:32.638-04:002013-03-28T18:46:32.638-04:00I loved the sensual language you used during the a...I loved the sensual language you used during the attack. It showed just how personal and intimate a vampire bite would be. I think you've got a good thing going here. I'd read more. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06310028486547222042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82576780567825693852013-03-28T15:18:43.796-04:002013-03-28T15:18:43.796-04:00I love the idea of this, but there was so much des...I love the idea of this, but there was so much description of the mom's actions that it became confusing. Also, I agree with another person that the vampire seems too passive.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64893160982806526352013-03-28T08:44:44.551-04:002013-03-28T08:44:44.551-04:00The opening line reads as though she get bitten of...The opening line reads as though she get bitten often and just doesn't like the timing today. Not sure if that's the case or not.<br /><br />While I do enjoy satire and the idea of the mother fighting to protect her children, there was too much detailed blow by blow (and what appears to be a wrong pronoun in the third sentence btw) to keep my interest in the situation at hand.Jean Davishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02047709505502621618noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38191835427628496432013-03-27T20:41:14.834-04:002013-03-27T20:41:14.834-04:00I'm not really sure Vampire Satire is a genre,...I'm not really sure Vampire Satire is a genre, and I wasn't sure what your protagonist was feeling. Was she afraid or annoyed? Also, it seemed like she was getting in a lot of action (squeezing his neck, popping tendons, rummaging through her dresser) and the vampire was just standing there trying to get his second fang in. Wouldn't he be fighting back?<br /><br />Good luck!A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85154631390061583402013-03-27T18:19:53.171-04:002013-03-27T18:19:53.171-04:00In place of bitten, maybe you could say "atta...In place of bitten, maybe you could say "attacked?" <br /><br />This is an interesting idea, but I had trouble getting into it. Maybe it's just that a fight so early on asks me to care about the outcome when I don't know any of the people involved. (Plus, just on a personal level, I'm not crazy about blow-by-blow fight descriptions.) Maybe a paragraph or two with the kids as set up before the vampire springs at her?Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88739659181519685932013-03-27T17:43:37.023-04:002013-03-27T17:43:37.023-04:00The concept reminds me of the Demon Hunting Soccer...The concept reminds me of the Demon Hunting Soccer Mom series. I love that series and would love to read one like it. I like the juxtaposition of the kids fighting while their mom is also fighting. I am having some trouble picturing the scene, though. Can the choreography be simplified? Also, if she can snap tendons, wouldn't she crush the windpipe? And I agree with the first commenter that it sounds like she often gets bit before the math lesson. These are quibbles, though. It's a fun beginning and I would keep reading.Flower Tnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76650257214269873692013-03-27T16:12:02.387-04:002013-03-27T16:12:02.387-04:00Nice to see a new take on the vampire story--where...Nice to see a new take on the vampire story--where it isn't a love interest and the mc has some sass. Your writing is strong and the action flows well with the background "noise" of fussing children--gives the satire feel quite well. I can almost picture Buffy as a suburban mom now. ;)The Kranky Crowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03540879407267148397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16428339669835469672013-03-27T11:29:56.071-04:002013-03-27T11:29:56.071-04:00The writing is strong here. I did like the first s...The writing is strong here. I did like the first sentence, but it suggests that she had been bitten before the kids' math lesson before--it that the case?Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.com