tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9083567105132627506..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: #43 January Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52278951161732077262011-01-21T22:59:47.675-05:002011-01-21T22:59:47.675-05:00Hey, Secret Agent here! I’m not crazy with stories...Hey, Secret Agent here! I’m not crazy with stories that start off when the protagonist is having a little kid memory. I just don’t think it’s as immediately accessible to readers. Why not start with the present day event that triggers this flashback? Whenever someone tries to describe such an emotionally charged scene, the danger is that it will become maudlin. This did go in that histrionic direction for me, with all the tears everywhere. Emotional intensity can be quiet and intense, not showy and demonstrative, and I actually prefer the former.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38661393852958896272011-01-21T14:34:09.114-05:002011-01-21T14:34:09.114-05:00I like it--great emotion going on. The age is a co...I like it--great emotion going on. The age is a concern, but after reading this (especially the mom's 'when your older' comment) I'm not horribly concerned. I'd keep reading on the assupmtion that the book will pick up with her older.Nazarea Andrewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09644521286572844909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77962204366724798912011-01-20T19:07:43.384-05:002011-01-20T19:07:43.384-05:00I'm part of the This is a Prologue camp, and t...I'm part of the This is a Prologue camp, and think it works well as such.<br /><br /><b>@trocadero:</b> The POV doesn't waver -- just our assumption of it. There's no point to Hannah using Mom before Mom crouches. I agree, though, that I find the third paragraph a little jarring, but that could be fixed by saying "Hannah's mom" instead of "Mom." I sort of prefer that anyway because it creates a little distance between the reader and the scene.<br /><br />I really like the last paragraph and the use of the kitsune (assumption made). I wonder if that means that Hannah will be partly of the spirit world as well.<br /><br /><b>Nitpick:</b> You don't need to say "flinch away" as people rarely flinch toward.<br /><br />I would definitely read on.Andrew Kozmahttp://www.kozma.curragh-labs.org/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17482578918190313372011-01-20T08:45:08.550-05:002011-01-20T08:45:08.550-05:00The POV wavers when you use 'Mom'. It move...The POV wavers when you use 'Mom'. It moves the reader into Hannah's head, which is jarring. <br /><br />"Hannah sniffed and wiped her eyes" isn't as natural as the rest.<br /><br />Love love love the shadowy tail! I really want to know what happens!trocaderohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05453219564428416838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67616690786916216742011-01-19T20:33:19.292-05:002011-01-19T20:33:19.292-05:00Breaking the hearts of those of us who have kids. ...Breaking the hearts of those of us who have kids. This is great visualization. Definite showing.<br /><br />Great job!Patricia A. Timms-McGeheehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08989800584001861716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38965423516929694822011-01-19T20:18:29.223-05:002011-01-19T20:18:29.223-05:00Hooked. I agree that this is most likely a prolog...Hooked. I agree that this is most likely a prologue and the MC is probably older in the next chapter. I want to know why the mom has to go, where she's going and what's going to happen to the little girl, not to mention what's up with the shadow. Great opening scene!Joiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13897138519791427340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20266576287763285042011-01-19T19:27:26.585-05:002011-01-19T19:27:26.585-05:00Yep, totally hooked. But I agree with everyone abo...Yep, totally hooked. But I agree with everyone about the age. Kids read up so a 6-year-old is only interesting to a 4 or 5-year-old and those kids aren't reading MG. If this is a prologue, you might be okay as long as you don't lose readers on the first page.Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67803571448823223742011-01-19T18:39:36.903-05:002011-01-19T18:39:36.903-05:00I like it. I'm presuming it's a prologue a...I like it. I'm presuming it's a prologue and Hannah's going to be older in the rest of the book.Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31484609277600673552011-01-19T18:21:37.642-05:002011-01-19T18:21:37.642-05:00I'm hooked. I bet you will make her older in t...I'm hooked. I bet you will make her older in the next chapter. Just a thought.<br />Spooky ending.Kim H.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35968052548678797592011-01-19T13:06:21.690-05:002011-01-19T13:06:21.690-05:00I thought this was very ho-hum until I got to the ...I thought this was very ho-hum until I got to the last paragraph. That's where you grabbed me. Loved it!<br /><br />As LMT said, 6 is too young for MG. A 6 year old MC is going to seem babyish to middle-graders. Perhaps up her age to 11-12. Or maybe the next chapter starts when she goes to live with mom 'when she's older.' If so, you may want to consider stating there.<br /><br />You might also want to reconsider tone and word choices. There are places where this reads like a report, rather than a story.<br /><br />6 year old frame - do you ever really think of people's bodies as frames? Perhaps end at pajamas or say small body.<br /><br />Wiped her eyes in response - you could end at 'eyes.'<br /><br />Headlights making Hannah flinch away - perhaps Hannah flinched away from the bright headlights.<br /><br />Write the way a child of Hannah's age would talk, not the way a writer writes.<br /><br />I'm hooked. I'd read more.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49578892809855180462011-01-19T13:03:33.575-05:002011-01-19T13:03:33.575-05:00I like the writing style, the scene was played out...I like the writing style, the scene was played out nicely and I want to read more. I just have a concern about the MC's age. But, maybe your just showing her this age and then by the next chapter she'll be a lot older? I don't know, but I would definitely read more!Sarah Kressinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04884104936001817080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59659513882453621292011-01-19T11:39:04.143-05:002011-01-19T11:39:04.143-05:00Hooked. My only comment is that a 6-year-old main ...Hooked. My only comment is that a 6-year-old main character is a little young for a MG. But I think this is well written and I would read more.LMThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14326868690623302797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65166095188185457862011-01-19T10:45:42.069-05:002011-01-19T10:45:42.069-05:00Where is she going? Hooked ;-)Where is she going? Hooked ;-)Tammyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01674293611687455659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44348095002913978082011-01-19T10:30:19.220-05:002011-01-19T10:30:19.220-05:00Awwwwwwwwww :( Made me cry, I tell ya. That's ...Awwwwwwwwww :( Made me cry, I tell ya. That's definitely a dramatic beginning, especially for the MG level. Great stuff!Laurenhttp://empressawesome.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com