tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9132576171758637991..comments2024-03-18T12:01:18.507-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #1Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14742081438179522822012-11-11T12:03:50.653-05:002012-11-11T12:03:50.653-05:00Who you buy your replacement forklift parts from i...Who you buy your replacement forklift parts from is as important as the parts you buy. They feature a three wheel as well as a four wheel forklift. Buying new allows one to obtain a machine that is perfectly tailored to the job it is required for. Forklift Mitsubishi Nobleliftwarehouse For Sale Toyota Forklift Mast Chesapeake In the year 1917, United State's Clark launched powered lift tractors and powered tractors in their workplace.Lauren Salashttp://www.constructionhelpz.com/question-which-would-bang-loader-2-15-rockford-gosgate-p3s-or-1-15p3-and-2-12-kicker-comps/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31485574517200214702012-07-26T13:16:22.669-04:002012-07-26T13:16:22.669-04:00Good. And loved the last line especially.Good. And loved the last line especially.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21904251096492152552012-07-26T07:27:16.631-04:002012-07-26T07:27:16.631-04:00This is incredibly sci-fi. Almost too sci-fi for m...This is incredibly sci-fi. Almost too sci-fi for me, and I read it. All the names and clothing and things I don't have real-life experience of draw me out a little.<br /><br />But I have to say, this reads really well, and your character has interesting goals in such a setting. I do want to read more.<br /><br />The title is also fantastic. I'd almost pick it up on the strength of that alone.<br /><br />So yeah. Really well done.Vicorvahttp://victoriaboulton.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20831052262229460252012-07-25T18:07:37.370-04:002012-07-25T18:07:37.370-04:00I like your character, but I'm going to agree ...I like your character, but I'm going to agree with everyone else that page 1, paragraph 2 is way too soon to be slapped over the head with this much information. Give us backstory in smaller chunks, because this premise is really interesting.Laurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14394940129538260398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49755762124532537162012-07-25T15:27:26.136-04:002012-07-25T15:27:26.136-04:00I really like this; it has a lightness to it that ...I really like this; it has a lightness to it that I think will work for YA who may not be acclimated to harder sci-fi. <br /><br />The only thing that threw me was the use of the word smartphone; since it's a tech word we use today, I think coming up with something original that sounds more advanced might be to your benefit.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4238853126581019862012-07-25T14:09:22.238-04:002012-07-25T14:09:22.238-04:00I like the concept (in fact, it could very well fe...I like the concept (in fact, it could very well feel like it was tailored to my interests) and would probably keep reading but the opening does feel a bit rushed and too much of an info dump.Allisynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02487364565547314329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88540360711157568242012-07-25T13:30:24.617-04:002012-07-25T13:30:24.617-04:00Dear author,
This passage felt like two different...Dear author,<br /><br />This passage felt like two different manuscripts to me. It seemed to move smoothly until it hit the "now, wobbling along..." where it then shifted into unknown territory. No talk of dancing, no talk of the Roxanna...just sci-fi space talk. And I was quite confused. I suggest a more subtle move into the next bit. Also, I know if I read more, I would understand, however, you need to treat each passage like it's alone. Each passage of you novel should make sense in itself. <br /><br />SecretAgentSecretAgentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40632874762424450512012-07-25T13:30:15.004-04:002012-07-25T13:30:15.004-04:00Dear author,
This passage felt like two different...Dear author,<br /><br />This passage felt like two different manuscripts to me. It seemed to move smoothly until it hit the "now, wobbling along..." where it then shifted into unknown territory. No talk of dancing, no talk of the Roxanna...just sci-fi space talk. And I was quite confused. I suggest a more subtle move into the next bit. Also, I know if I read more, I would understand, however, you need to treat each passage like it's alone. Each passage of you novel should make sense in itself. <br /><br />SecretAgentSecretAgentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73152034270069619242012-07-25T13:08:08.643-04:002012-07-25T13:08:08.643-04:00This piece feels like a fun story with a fiesty ch...This piece feels like a fun story with a fiesty character. I also enjoy some of the details like her wobbling along in her heels, but agree that it felt as if a little too much information was dumped on the reader right at the beginning. I wonder if some of this could be woven in later? The last line would've kept me reading on, though,to see what she saw! :)Jolene Gutiérrezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074647966788702252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47896982559134175742012-07-25T13:05:50.914-04:002012-07-25T13:05:50.914-04:00I like the idea of dancing and space thrown togeth...I like the idea of dancing and space thrown together,but I also got a sense (with the crumbling infrastructure) that's it's really about more than that. I could certainly be wrong.<br /><br />My suggestion would be to let the story happen, rather than have your MC chat with the reader. You start out in the story, then pargs 2-4 you pop out to talk to the reader. Perhaps cut those pargs. along with parg 7. You would then have the reader wondering what the bet is, and why she's dressed as she is.<br /><br />The last line is a tease. SInce we're going to learn what she saw anyway, why not just tell us. If it's as shocking as she claims, it'll hold your reader.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32028649653831732032012-07-25T12:00:58.407-04:002012-07-25T12:00:58.407-04:00I love the high boots with chunky heels and the pi...I love the high boots with chunky heels and the pink atmosphere suit. The story is rushed but the last sentence makes me want to read more. I want to know what she saw!MMKlinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20232870163534839342012-07-25T11:48:28.218-04:002012-07-25T11:48:28.218-04:00Love the last line. I want to keep reading - to kn...Love the last line. I want to keep reading - to know what she saw. I agree with some of the other comments - if I have a complaint, it is that you seem to throw too much at us too soon. Maybe you could just talk about space travel to start with and come to the contest a little later, or just mention it in passing. How people get around can help illustrate your world to the reader. It would say a lot about the culture, the universe she lives in if there is a lot of security, for example, or if everything is automated. Is she traveling on her own or as part of a group?librarygiraffehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12285483280673807709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84574483842828875682012-07-25T11:19:43.318-04:002012-07-25T11:19:43.318-04:00"wishing I hadn't fallen for another of D..."wishing I hadn't fallen for another of Dad's crazy bets." is a great line that tells us much about the story and MC: it's going to be a wild ride with some zany fun, it's going to get interesting soon. :)<br /><br />Like others, I feel that the narrator is rushing us. Tell her to take her time and focus on one important point at a time. <br /><br />This is all new to us the readers.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57220363200189250752012-07-25T10:03:11.328-04:002012-07-25T10:03:11.328-04:00Lots to like here. You definitely give your MC an ...Lots to like here. You definitely give your MC an ambition (quite literally) and you start by plopping us right into her challenge. I liked how even exhausted and stressed about the competition she still notices that the male voice is seductive. That's actually kind of funny and pertinent to the age group. <br /><br />However, starting with the action like this you force a bit of an info dump AND some things are confusing (in an attempt to avoid the info dump). Telling us NY City ballet is lifelong ambition is... telling. If she studied ballet all her life, she'd probably have bumped against ballroom dancing at some point and know a bit more about it than about being a cadet. What does it mean specifically that the infrastructure was disintegrating? The infrastructure of what? If she just exited the ship, why is she going to the satellite? <br /><br />As stressful as it is to try to put as much as possible into these first 250 words for these contests, it might be better to slow down just a tiny bit, just to show the world to us a bit more.<br /><br />Great work though.Emilyanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52575661935103762602012-07-25T09:43:27.294-04:002012-07-25T09:43:27.294-04:00Sci-fi and dancing- love it!
I wish I could love ...Sci-fi and dancing- love it!<br /><br />I wish I could love the voice. More importantly, I wish I could tell you what it is about the voice that I didn't connect with. However, I would turn the page just to read what she saw.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57345015538356917262012-07-25T09:33:30.538-04:002012-07-25T09:33:30.538-04:00I really like your concept, and it seems like a fu...I really like your concept, and it seems like a fun take on the genre. I can't immediately recall a sci fi dancing tale, so kudos for originality. <br /><br />That being said, it reads a little shallow to me. I'm not immediately caught by the voice. Try to convey character in word choice and reactions more. Don't let your protagonist be passive in her own story. <br /><br />Still, I like what you've done and I would read more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04889400960819776680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9276584965397473072012-07-25T09:08:11.312-04:002012-07-25T09:08:11.312-04:00Hey author!
This is an interesting premise, and t...Hey author!<br /><br />This is an interesting premise, and the page reads smoothly. My problem with it is that it caters too much to the reader. The premise is so in-your-face - page one, paragraph two - and outlined so very explicitly that I feel like I'm being told everything fun upfront, instead of it being shown.<br /><br />Another example - "the Intergalactic Council, who made all decisions about our lives, chose..." You could omit the appositive (I think there's a word missing in there, anyway) and thus introduce us to the "character" of the Intergalactic Council without defining them explicitly. In the same way, the idea that she made a bet with her father that lands her on another planet, imo, is enough of a bait and hook that you don't need to throw the premise at us with such detail.<br /><br />One more thing - the sentence "Aching with fatigue and frustration..." is a little overlong. I'd cut "long and", and probably "and frustration." Might streamline it a bit.<br /><br />Good luck!Riley Redgatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630001267841081266noreply@blogger.com