tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9135872837358710774..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #37Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38911066903245061222011-09-23T16:17:26.468-04:002011-09-23T16:17:26.468-04:00It's a nice start for a MG story. The voice se...It's a nice start for a MG story. The voice seems to be just right. The beginning could be tightened a bit.Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16400927913781399962011-09-22T22:59:54.308-04:002011-09-22T22:59:54.308-04:00I like this. I would change "the new guy"...I like this. I would change "the new guy" to "the cute new guy" and this way I wouldn't think of awkward at first, and then have to modify to cute. Plus then you don't have to say it looks cute when his hair falls over his forehead, just how it makes her feel. I'd read more good opening scene.Mark Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490077640536513271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1074324717315136762011-09-21T17:04:07.878-04:002011-09-21T17:04:07.878-04:00I like the concept that she's a writer. But t...I like the concept that she's a writer. But the writing definitely needs a little work; some tense shifts and pretty awkward sentences as well as some repetition. <br /><br />Also, I like language to be precise. Is she *literally* gagging from the smell? Most likely not, it takes a lot to make most people gag.<br /><br />I do like the description of her story at the end and her reaction seems authentic and kind of charming.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50307103709899418772011-09-21T15:16:16.969-04:002011-09-21T15:16:16.969-04:00I could see this as upper end MG. I like it a lot,...I could see this as upper end MG. I like it a lot, I felt right back in Jr. High.<br /><br />Definitely hooked - good job!GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62562422803005346662011-09-21T14:51:46.253-04:002011-09-21T14:51:46.253-04:00Seems more YA than MG, e.g., Poor Roderick." ...Seems more YA than MG, e.g., Poor Roderick." and a lot of sentences start with I. Try to vary this.<br /><br />Also, "My cheeks grew hot," sounds Elizabethan, not conversational.<br /><br />Keep revising.Carolynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54768521991136777362011-09-21T13:57:44.764-04:002011-09-21T13:57:44.764-04:00Hooked. Nice job. I hope there's a good explan...Hooked. Nice job. I hope there's a good explanation coming for why "the new guy" is the one who happens to find the story she somehow left in science class. I.e., did she leave it where he would find it?Jonathan 3dnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39697914472867391352011-09-21T13:53:09.762-04:002011-09-21T13:53:09.762-04:00Fun voice.
The second paragraph had a minor tense...Fun voice.<br /><br />The second paragraph had a minor tense shift, easily fixable. The writing could be tightened in a few places to help flow.<br /><br />Definitely good pacing, vivid descriptions and engaging characters so far. I'd read a few more pages to see where this is going.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61344121375082107972011-09-21T12:20:44.740-04:002011-09-21T12:20:44.740-04:00This is so cute! I have been dying to write MG and...This is so cute! I have been dying to write MG and now I am truly intimidated because yours is excellent. The voice is spot on, already I'm intrigued with Elena and this cute new boy, Artex (awesome name, btw) and how their relationship will grow. I also like the way you describe things--I feel like I'm there but it's not overly descriptive so it still feels like it's written for pre-teens. Great job and wonderful opening with the McMichaels story--cute! I'd read more :)Marquita Hockadayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15931541485018513281noreply@blogger.com