tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post9203884739288855793..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 36 Query ContestAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50891466788571667802009-08-02T21:02:30.878-04:002009-08-02T21:02:30.878-04:00Yes. I like the first paragraph.
The next paragr...Yes. I like the first paragraph. <br /><br />The next paragraph is a little unclear. I feel like I've missed something. <br /><br />The opening page reads a little choppy, like it's been over-edited perhaps. Watch out for redundant sentence structure and line of direction. (That is, Reta looks up and nearly drops the paper before the person standing across the street appears. Mention the person, then the reaction.)<br /><br />Not hooked. There's potential here, but I found the query unclear, and the writing itself needs to be stronger.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36640414627887848732009-08-01T11:54:23.838-04:002009-08-01T11:54:23.838-04:00Thanks for your comments so far! I've been ba...Thanks for your comments so far! I've been banging my head for months trying to figure out what's wrong with this query. I've taken every comment here seriously and appreciate them.<br /><br />I have just rewritten this query into one that is hopefully much clearer and answers your questions. Thanks again.Author of This Posthttp://www.iluvspidrs.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80973245453530284322009-08-01T08:09:36.872-04:002009-08-01T08:09:36.872-04:00the Query: What is there for the evil shadow peopl...the Query: What is there for the evil shadow people to ruin? It might draw me more to the MC if I know what she's looking forward to when she starts high school. It isn't until the second paragraph that I have a clue that one of the things ruined might be access to the music lounge.<br /><br />Toilet paper doesn't seem like the most positive course of action for a young teen, so this is where the query lost me. It would have been fine if the MC knew it wasn't the greatest idea but got carried along with doing it to the place anyway.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85402291715093066372009-07-30T10:10:37.534-04:002009-07-30T10:10:37.534-04:00We went from shadow people to toilet paper. That t...We went from shadow people to toilet paper. That threw me too much so I wasn't hooked enough.brimfirehttp://brimfire.livejournal.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10442478402979345952009-07-29T18:54:32.338-04:002009-07-29T18:54:32.338-04:00I was hooked by the query and the 250 words. Like...I was hooked by the query and the 250 words. Like the others, I was slightly bumped out by the arsenal of toilet paper bit though. I thought perhaps something was in the arsenal? Written on the toilet paper? It made sense after, but you may want to tighten it up in the query itself.<br /><br />Good luck!Nikkihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04951894771043230927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34146802090670197672009-07-29T18:50:51.204-04:002009-07-29T18:50:51.204-04:00I like the query (and snippet) but I wondered why ...I like the query (and snippet) but I wondered why her tp-ing her cousin would cause a bunch of baddies to stalk her. Did she see something? Or does her cousin actually have control over them and this is his way of getting even for the tp-ing...Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71216217309399011082009-07-29T17:39:47.285-04:002009-07-29T17:39:47.285-04:00Not hooked, sorry. The query confused me. I wond...Not hooked, sorry. The query confused me. I wondered why the shadow people were stalking her for a toilet paper arsenal. I didn't see how toilet paper would get back her cousin anyway, or what this had to do with the shadow people.<br /><br />However, I read the first 250 words and really liked it. The strength of your writing really shines, and it gets to the action right away. But based on the query letter alone, I wouldn't have read on.Bethnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44873826200124527032009-07-29T17:16:13.934-04:002009-07-29T17:16:13.934-04:00Not hooked. I didn't really get a sense of the...Not hooked. I didn't really get a sense of the story. And I'm really confused about her convincing the school to campaign against the evil shadow people's system. Are we talking a military like campaign or what? And I'm sure there aren't too many people who are captured who try to keep to the rules while they try to escape. Especially since NOT trying to escape is usually one of the unspoken rules.Anjanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78395176528180184712009-07-29T13:35:04.890-04:002009-07-29T13:35:04.890-04:00QUERY: Not hooked. Evil shadow people is very gene...QUERY: Not hooked. Evil shadow people is very generic. I don't get the connection between an arsenal of toilet paper and the Shadow Regime. Why do they want to enslave and oppress teens? If they are secret, how does the school campaign against them? <br /><br />Your last two paragraphs are solid.feywriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17224558691840388691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52264615276417600482009-07-29T13:21:52.900-04:002009-07-29T13:21:52.900-04:00I was actually confused by the content in the quer...I was actually confused by the content in the query. Is the regime stalking her for the toilet paper? I get it now, but I had to reread a few times. And rallying against what system--the school's or the regime's? Anyway, I know it's tough to explain this all in a few sentences, but I could have used a bit more clarity. Cool ideas! Good luck!Heather Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06699360166269376285noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10214378718061938522009-07-29T13:19:09.838-04:002009-07-29T13:19:09.838-04:00Not hooked. Why do these shadow people want to opp...Not hooked. Why do these shadow people want to oppress teens everywhere? And how, exactly, are they oppressing them? It's too vague.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78078348240766005902009-07-29T13:13:08.230-04:002009-07-29T13:13:08.230-04:00A little hooked. Was pulled out by "the Shado...A little hooked. Was pulled out by "the Shadow regime starts to stalk for her." Not sure what that means in this context. Otherwise I'd read on.<br /><br />Writing lives up to the query.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16777000359678420282009-07-29T11:52:01.322-04:002009-07-29T11:52:01.322-04:00The query is succinct and clear. I'd read page...The query is succinct and clear. I'd read pages.<br /><br />The pages give me a clear sense of character and plot. <br /><br />This one is one I'd read.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.com