tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post92125313095577987..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: 32 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58179507787272775222009-04-23T12:32:00.000-04:002009-04-23T12:32:00.000-04:00Interesting, I love the voice. I feel like I alre...Interesting, I love the voice. I feel like I already have a pretty good sense of the characters just from this first little bit of the story, which to me is really important. Alluvial's translation made me laugh, and I can imagine the whole scene in my mind, including what the characters' facial expressions must look like! Well done, I would love to read more! Hooked!Jennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14353365745000545667noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52644174940686644202009-04-20T23:09:00.000-04:002009-04-20T23:09:00.000-04:00This is fabulous and magnificent. I am dying to re...This is fabulous and magnificent. I am dying to read more. Who is this author so I can pester them to beta read???~Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08872228115110257474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29716466363219832302009-04-19T11:47:00.000-04:002009-04-19T11:47:00.000-04:00I'm hooked. This made me chuckle and I want to re...I'm hooked. This made me chuckle and I want to read more. Great descriptions. I was a tiny bit put off by the overly-powdered-wigged head, but that was minor (it didn't flow and I'd prefer the characters not to be wearing wigs - it seems a bit outdated, but that's just me). Good luck - great start!Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13266889380465825112009-04-18T10:46:00.000-04:002009-04-18T10:46:00.000-04:00I really liked the humour and the voice here.
...I really liked the humour and the voice here. <br /><br />The names were excellent.<br /><br />The very beginning line didn't quite work for me. It might be a POV thing.<br /><br />I would definitely read onCheryl Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89881259816958223962009-04-18T02:01:00.000-04:002009-04-18T02:01:00.000-04:00I'm hooked.
I like the name Alluvial Fan. It's ca...I'm hooked.<br /><br />I like the name Alluvial Fan. It's called the Stream Pirates, so I'm guessing the name is intentional. I don't think it matters if the readers get the joke or not. Maybe when they're a bit older, sitting in geography class, they'll remember this story and say, 'Oh, so that's why she was called that.'<br /><br />The only nit I have is that, at the start, I thought it was being told from the King's POV. Maybe clarify a little earlier that it's Alluvial thinking the translation?Jadanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5489373466510634772009-04-17T21:50:00.000-04:002009-04-17T21:50:00.000-04:00I've read this before, and I think the writing is ...I've read this before, and I think the writing is smoother here than what I remember. Good voice. Like the humor. Nice job.<br /><br />There were still a couple of spots that I stumbled over though. <br /><br />Maybe cut 'overly' from 'overly-powdered-wigged head'. <br /><br />And I'd cut the next line too since it slows the pace to have the 'translation' go on for so long. You can probably drop in the info on what the king should be called later.<br /><br />**He was a very nervous-looking fellow, half a foot shorter than me and at least forty pounds heavier.**--You've already mentioned he's fat and the nervousness is obvious in the surrounding sentences. Work in his height somewhere else, and you can cut this sentence, too.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15325267043477547552009-04-17T12:22:00.000-04:002009-04-17T12:22:00.000-04:00Intriguing. I like the voice and the snide tone i...Intriguing. I like the voice and the snide tone in the translation. I would note that the translation included is specific to that days, and so the sixth paragraph's "today" could get moved up to the third.<br /><br />But I'm definitely hooked.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31518096249302821302009-04-17T07:35:00.000-04:002009-04-17T07:35:00.000-04:00Love it. Very funny.Love it. Very funny.Keznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26005159179443184022009-04-17T00:35:00.000-04:002009-04-17T00:35:00.000-04:00Love it! I love the voice of this piece. Witty. Fu...Love it! I love the voice of this piece. Witty. Funny. All that...and a bag of chocolate covered cashews. Still a fan. Always a fan. Hooked.Samanthahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09231706346312491242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44704521448934111492009-04-16T20:34:00.000-04:002009-04-16T20:34:00.000-04:00Sitting on the fence but like your writing overall...Sitting on the fence but like your writing overall. <br />I don't like the "I" character to take on a narrator role and explain things directly to reader. Got a bit stuck on MC name - Alluvial - kept thinking why name a kid after top soil deposits after floods? <br />"Radial Stream" world seemed to match her name and I wondered what year (powdered wigs)/galaxy we were in. <br />Overall, I think it has potential with a few small tweaks to situate the reader at the start.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11889886783924859325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4119519346512776272009-04-16T19:54:00.000-04:002009-04-16T19:54:00.000-04:00I liked the voice in this and the humor, but tripp...I liked the voice in this and the humor, but tripped up on the name "Alluvial Fan" as I recognized that a a geological feature. I'm trying to decide if this is intentional and a reference to the fact that the prince is only interested in the territory/geography or whether it was just a coincidence. If intentional, will your YA reader get the joke? Other than that, I really like the excerpt and would read on even if only to figure out which it was.Azimuthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44148097614375914372009-04-16T13:32:00.000-04:002009-04-16T13:32:00.000-04:00Funny and good voice. I'd read on :)Funny and good voice. I'd read on :)shorty411https://www.blogger.com/profile/10682462733301561147noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1351694586817653102009-04-16T13:12:00.000-04:002009-04-16T13:12:00.000-04:00Funny. Nice voice. Though the premise is a bit fam...Funny. Nice voice. Though the premise is a bit familiar, your MC (and her take on the goings-on) is interesting. If this was a genre I read, I'd read on to know where the pirates come in, what kind of world this is, and what else Alluvial has to say about it.<br /><br />Hooked.fairchildnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40589569396348581332009-04-16T00:03:00.000-04:002009-04-16T00:03:00.000-04:00I remember this from the 1000 words posting, and l...I remember this from the 1000 words posting, and like the edits you've done. The humor is good and highlights Alluvial's voice very well.<br /><br />I do think that second-to-last paragraph is a bit long, though, and could probably be trimmed down some.<br /><br />But I would definitely read on!<br /><br />Thanks for sharing!LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43037011211813075112009-04-15T23:30:00.000-04:002009-04-15T23:30:00.000-04:00Read it before. Still hooked.Read it before. Still hooked.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77423114813066700492009-04-15T23:28:00.000-04:002009-04-15T23:28:00.000-04:00I'm not sucked right in, but I'd read on to see if...I'm not sucked right in, but I'd read on to see if it would. The voice and humor are really working, and if it went in a fresh direction, I'd keep reading. But I'd be skeptical that it would be another reluctant princess book, and at the first sign of that, I'd be inclined to close it unless there was something else to keep me hooked.<br /><br />I will also say I would like a sense of her age - she could be anywhere from 14-17 in my mind, so clarifying that in a hurry would help me picture it - ie, is she on the marrying market or is this a sometime in the future thing? But nice start.E.M. Kokiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00453541159643901257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82334729309937995302009-04-15T23:08:00.000-04:002009-04-15T23:08:00.000-04:00I really liked the humor here. You have a clear vo...I really liked the humor here. You have a clear voice. <br /><br />I would read on.Windyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07684298115679477705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37507274087890168712009-04-15T22:47:00.000-04:002009-04-15T22:47:00.000-04:00I kinda remember this from a previous contest...
...I kinda remember this from a previous contest...<br /><br />Sorry, I'm not hooked. I think this is really a matter of it not being my type of thing.<br /><br />Might need to bring the protagonist out a little more. Put her in the setting. ;]Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36721143483598160492009-04-15T19:44:00.000-04:002009-04-15T19:44:00.000-04:00Translation: your translation struck me as unique ...Translation: your translation struck me as unique voice, far from the madding crowd. I enjoyed the King's sense of humor...as he toys with his visitors. Good luck.<br /><br />whopops...at the end the dialogue stutter seemed a tad forced, maybe just the up-forward, forward (up)?!RW Richardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08473786472219141232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61388138463943262862009-04-15T19:24:00.000-04:002009-04-15T19:24:00.000-04:00I like it. What she hears her father say-- cute. N...I like it. What she hears her father say-- cute. Nice beginning, well done.sonjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08631391506006475925noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14396244893630270282009-04-15T19:14:00.000-04:002009-04-15T19:14:00.000-04:00I remember this. I was hooked the first time. Stil...I remember this. I was hooked the first time. Still hooked. Want to read this!alicenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67273015459711800352009-04-15T17:08:00.000-04:002009-04-15T17:08:00.000-04:00I really like this!I really like this!Katie Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08067504634291164972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75897358683107690342009-04-15T16:41:00.000-04:002009-04-15T16:41:00.000-04:00Love this! Totally hooked!Love this! Totally hooked!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13020930065138006182009-04-15T14:57:00.000-04:002009-04-15T14:57:00.000-04:00I'm on the fence here. I do like the humor. I ju...I'm on the fence here. I do like the humor. I just can't seem to get the MC's age down--maybe it's the long sentences with big words (pomposity). <br /><br />I would probably read on to find out more.Ann Brysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06003635203935638760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56764151320053718572009-04-15T14:30:00.000-04:002009-04-15T14:30:00.000-04:00I would read on, if only to figure out if I was ho...I would read on, if only to figure out if I was hooked or not. There wasn't much here to sink my teeth into and I feel as though the next 100 words would help me make up my mind.<br /><br />I am curious as to why this nervous prince is being highlighted and why he is important. If he is going to be a main character, then I am hooked.<br /><br />Curious, curious.<br />:)Jeanhttp://www.jeanoram.com/blognoreply@blogger.com