tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post928194047658910975..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 7 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71785422904535125102010-01-15T00:57:56.714-05:002010-01-15T00:57:56.714-05:00Really loved this! The "lobes" for descr...Really loved this! The "lobes" for description of her ears brought me out of the scene, but otherwise I'd totally keep reading.Meradeth Houstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06741790047121063893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56766748638264859502010-01-14T20:48:58.456-05:002010-01-14T20:48:58.456-05:00I really liked the opening line. It grabbed me and...I really liked the opening line. It grabbed me and made me want to continue. <br />I think that some of the paragraphs can be tightened up. For example, the first paragraph is all one sentence. some of the dialogue feels like a tool to tell the reader stuff. <br />Godo job on some of the description.Kendalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15161718436588073911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45251964063797815842010-01-13T23:35:52.722-05:002010-01-13T23:35:52.722-05:00I'd keep reading just to find out about the da...I'd keep reading just to find out about the dark angel dude. Love interest maybe?Stinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10455510997558643502010-01-13T23:26:11.713-05:002010-01-13T23:26:11.713-05:00I liked the tension and would want to read more.
...I liked the tension and would want to read more.<br /><br />My only suggestion would be that, for me, the waitress stopped the tension. I wanted to scan her dialogue and get back to the dark angel-thing.bfavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164661338051897220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54599802769283530012010-01-13T13:48:43.657-05:002010-01-13T13:48:43.657-05:00I like the first sentence, but I think the second ...I like the first sentence, but I think the second would be stronger if you reword it to avoid repeating 'men' and 'wings.' <br /><br />Some of the writing could be tightened. For instance "slapped the lobes of my ears" could just be "slapped my ears."Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73477964920636202642010-01-13T13:37:31.806-05:002010-01-13T13:37:31.806-05:00Great opening line, and I loved the idea of an ang...Great opening line, and I loved the idea of an angel with black wings. The oil slick description works really well.<br /><br />I did wonder why she wondered if he was real, when she's already accepted the fact that there are men with wings. She might be curious about the wings being black, rather than white, but it seems she'd know he was real.<br /><br />Perhaps consider cutting the whole second parg. I felt that was more for the readers' benefit more than the waitress' dialogue, and to me, it would be more intriguing without the explanation.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50917835544759892492010-01-13T12:55:42.138-05:002010-01-13T12:55:42.138-05:00Good setting descriptions and good job introducing...Good setting descriptions and good job introducing the dark angel. I'm not an angel person but I think a lot of people would like this, looks like you're off to a good start.<br /><br />Good luck.Amynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2143699175965660912010-01-13T12:21:19.018-05:002010-01-13T12:21:19.018-05:00The writing needs to be cleaned up a bit, perhaps,...The writing needs to be cleaned up a bit, perhaps, but I really liked the whole idea. Great job! I'd keep reading.JALeakenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4436675150258647412010-01-13T12:06:10.241-05:002010-01-13T12:06:10.241-05:00Very interesting premise that hooked me right in f...Very interesting premise that hooked me right in from the start. The "oil slick" line is excellent. Good description on the noisy, chaotic diner too. Have to agree with the comments about the waitress dialogue, but other than that I really enjoyed it. I want to keep reading!Alyssa Kirkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05619379952262450970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4400188596235438362010-01-13T11:18:09.692-05:002010-01-13T11:18:09.692-05:00everyone already said what i was going to. Liked i...everyone already said what i was going to. Liked it. Good jobSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48070881207548146422010-01-13T11:04:23.505-05:002010-01-13T11:04:23.505-05:00Hooked.
I really liked this, especially the imag...Hooked. <br /><br />I really liked this, especially the imagery of the oil-slick angel. <br /><br />I agree that the waitress' dialogue could be more realistic, but this should be an easy fix. <br /><br />I'd definitely read on!Caroline Richmondhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08035413237993321230noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9764148716369197812010-01-13T10:52:33.505-05:002010-01-13T10:52:33.505-05:00Very cool premise. The oil-slick angel especially ...Very cool premise. The oil-slick angel especially is cool. There are a few spots that are clunky--punctuation and grammar issues that jumped out at me, and the "as you know, Bob" part that Lianne mentioned. But the overall idea is solid--and different. There are lots of books out right now about GIRLS with wings. Guys, not so much.Annette Lyonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12493583432919249814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29621334084000455262010-01-13T10:34:04.467-05:002010-01-13T10:34:04.467-05:00I agree - the waitress' comments feel like an ...I agree - the waitress' comments feel like an "as you know, Bob". <br /><br />Otherwise, looks good.Liannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02349123766809521894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85825024747389741852010-01-13T10:28:11.135-05:002010-01-13T10:28:11.135-05:00Great first line. Intriguing premise. I would read...Great first line. Intriguing premise. I would read more. Watch for unrealistic dialogue, though: The waitress's response feels put in for the sake of the reader. Also, "Could he be real?" is confusing; does she only wonder this because his wings are different from the others? Does she think the others are real or not?Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18575217834841095652010-01-13T09:59:49.306-05:002010-01-13T09:59:49.306-05:00I like this. I like how she's spots the angel...I like this. I like how she's spots the angel and gets pulled out of the world she's in and then is snapped back in. I'm intested as to the oil slick winged angel. Is he a bad guy? I'd read more.<br />-aangela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.com