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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 34

Title: Daisy Parker
Genre: MG historical fiction


Jane was better, less of a cough. There was no eye contact when I first got there. She seemed embarrassed by her illness and letting the drink get the better of her. She'd combed her hair and there was a shirt drying on the back of the chair.

"You know you don't need to be here. I'm getting up soon," she said.

"Cummings says to take another day. They rented a snake act"

"What, he brought in some family member?"

I laid out the fancy foods. I told Jane they were from Julia.

"A real lady, not like some. Tell her I inquired after her."

"You going back to the show?"

"I guess. Keep working. Save up for a ticket back." She was quiet for a moment, "I'm a Legend in her own time, remember, pony express rider and whatnot. After hearing them stories a few times, just mighta been the way it happened. Daisy, it's been a long time, and a lot of not-always-water has passed under the bridge. And Bill, Wild Bill Hickock, hell, might as well claim him too." She opened a food tin with her pocketknife and sniffed it.
"What you going to do next? They for sure can't stay on the road with a baby." She gave one of the pastries a squeeze to see what was inside. "They get sick, take cold, breaks your heart. They need an awful lot of stuff, small as they are."

I felt sure she was speaking from experience.



12 comments:

  1. I think Jane comes across well in this piece. She seems tough as nails, and determined.

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  2. I was a little confused on the part about cough and then letting the drink get the better of her - was she sick from illness or from drinking alcohol? Anyway, Jane seemed like a realistic woman who'd seen some things in her lifetime, and had a lot of spirit. I got a sense of her from this, yes.

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  3. Sounds good, I like both characters.

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  4. Jane is the SC here, right? I feel like I know the viewpoint character better than her, but Jane comes across as strong and determined not to be an invalid. I like the underlying implication that Jane once had a child.

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  5. I'm not really sure at all what went on between Jane feeling better and then wondering what she'd do with a baby on the road. Mostly, it was the shifting dialogue that confused me and thus prevented me from really getting into your character's heads.

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  6. Jane comes across as weathered, someone who has seen a lot and been through a lot. I like her tough side.

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  7. Jane is Calamity Jane, right? I think you've hit her toughness and determination right on the head here, along with her bravado.

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  8. I'm thinking Jane is the SC here, but only because it's in first person POV.

    Jane really seems to dominate this scene. She seems worldly, masculine (opened a food tin with her pocketknife), but you give little hints of softness (She was quiet for a moment).

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  9. I'd like the mc's voice to be more distinct from Jane's.

    The "What, he brought in some family member?" line cracked me up.

    I wonder how much I'm bringing to this piece since I know this is Calamity Jane, and how much you're giving me. Hard to say. I'd want more than 250 words to decide.

    Kizmet

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  10. Jane works well here - I feel like I know her really well already.

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  11. I'm guessing the SC is Jane. I didn't get too much of a read on her but I got the impression that she doesn't like other people to witness her weakness.

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  12. [grins]

    She reminds me of somebody I know. A tough and harsh critic of an old lady, somewhat coarse and verging on impolite, who likes talking about the old days... who always gives you a shock when you realize she's actually nice under all that.

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